Books on Meeting People

from Autism and 'Singles' Dating Sites

This is a note I picked up from an email list. I have read none of these books, and so have no personal recommendation on this. I place this list here because it has an possibility of being useful. Unfortunately, one would have to figure out the value of these recommendations by oneself.

Like I said, I did not write this and I did not even look at these books. I don't even typically buy from Amazon. The "I" below is the person with the recommendations; it is not me!

Here's the list:

The List

If you are male, the most important book you need to purchase now is Michael Pilinski's Without Embarrassment: The Social Coward's Totally Fearless Seduction System ( link). Pilinski totally nails it when it comes to explaining exactly what you need to do to successfully play the human mating ritual game. This is the book that will explain to you what you failed to learn intuitively. What separates his book from other pick-up/seduction books -besides writing seemingly specificially for the clueless Aspie- is that the others focus on how many notches you can add to your bedpost, rather than how to form the basis for a long term relationship.

Pilinski's book is strictly written for men, so there is little use for women to read it. The closest equivalent book for women is Leil Lowndes' How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You ( link). Although not as precise and thorough, it is still a great book. Both men and women are its audience, so I highly recommend it for all of you. It also covers much more about relationships, such as criteria for a spouse, than the Pilinski book, which is much more of the nuts and bolts of the mating ritual. Lowndes also authored How to Talk to Anyone, which is a good book for shy people also. Also check out her Goodbye to Shy and others of her many books.

The third book I high recommend is Healing the Shame That Binds You ( link) by John Bradshaw. Bradshaw hosted PBS shows related to his books, and this book was a best seller. The subject is toxic shame, which is mainly brought on by our parents. I won't attempt to sum up this complex subject which Bradshaw tackles superbly. Suffice it to say that reading this book will really make you see how each of us is a product of our parents. Every personality flaw of our parents, every "family secret," gets handed down to us almost as effectively as genetics. Since this book can heal people who were physically or sexually abused as children, it will certainly help the love-shy, many of whom had less than perfect home lives. Growing up with Asperger's or autism -especially if it was not diagnosed until recently- you will most likely have some issues.

I also recommend No More Mr. Nice Guy ( link) by Dr. Robert Glover. If you wonder why the jerks get the girls and a nice guy like you can't, read this book. A gal telling a guy he's nice is like a guy saying that fat woman has a great personality.

Intimate Connections ( link) by David D. Burns M.D. is an excellent book written for shy and lonely people. It is a great introduction in Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which simplistically stated is about converting your negative thoughts into positive thoughts. My big epiphany while reading this book is that it's OK to be alone. You have to be able to totally love yourself before you can love others and expect others to love you. A quote: "The belief that you need a loving partner before you can feel happy and secure is one of the major causes of loneliness... Learning to like and love yourself is the key to intimacy... The more needy and desparate you are the more likely you are to get rejected."

While not about relationships, Shadow Syndromes ( link) by Ratey and Johnson discusses how certain mental disorders such as depression and ADD may show up in people not as full blown disorders, but as mild conditions that can usually fall under the radar of the diagnosing clinician. These shadow syndromes can still reek havoc in our lives. They discuss that autism can show up very mildly and also that an autism spectrum disorder can be the underlying cause for other mild conditions such as depression. It's a highly recommend book because of the fresh perspective Ratey and Johnson provide and also because of its discussion about brain chemistry and physiology. It brings home the point that Aspies have already known; there is no such thing as a normally wired brain.

There are zillions of how to pick up girls books, but very few written to the level of those on the autism spectrum. One I like is Understanding Women: The Definitive Guide to Meeting, Dating, and Dumping, if Necessary ( link) by Romy Miller in part because it's written by a woman. It's a short, quick read that discusses seemingly all the important basics of what women want.

While people on the autism spectrum have a difficult time with dating due to their lack social intuition, if they are also shy as a child they can develop a condition called love-shyness. Love-shyness is more than just being awkward around someone you are attracted to; it's about an actual phobia of romantic situations. If you find yourself as a long-time adult virgin, check out Dr. Brian Gilmartin's Shyness and Love, which although out of print can be downloaded free here (

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First written 12 May 07; Last revised 15 May 07.

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