Lost in my own confinement

poem by Sondra Williams

Feeling smothered by demands that others place on me
Thinking I am capable, but not, can't they see?
I am struggling, drowning from the weight
No one reaches out, until it is to late

Here I to be talking about responsibilities of being parent and wife, I to be to be expected to do things of roles I to be in that are much more than I can be to give effectively. I to try but in much I to be to have limited skills in this areas, I to be to much be forced to perform at levels expected of me and find I try but to do it all wrong or mess things up then I to be to get frustrated as others to be to change and become frustrated with me for not being able to do correctly what is expected of me.

The inner things begin to cycle and swirl, like a tormenting song
A crushing burden in my soul that has been burning for so long
Trying to say my words, but cut short, as they are twisted in my thought
Saying what is inside of me, but others say, I should not

Inside of me I to internalize my inabilities to do like others my age are responsible for to be to do. I to be to want to be a good mom and to be to please my husband but am often lost in this. All of life I to be told I to be less than, worthless, retarded and crazy by my family and when I to be to still not be able to do things right this flooding comes in and confirms to me the truths of their words. I then get angry with self much so, that I to be to want much to hurt self and to give up. I to try to say my words but since I to struggle in them other's cut them short from me and this causes a back lash to me to where the anxiety causes the words to fragment and get stuck. Other times my words are so misunderstood and they to say why do you think that way, and you shouldn't be to felt that way, and words like this, and like my family in past threatening me to not say my words. People twisting my words and thinking, giving me much wrong dx over years for it. My words to be told to shut up, I to not want to hear it, go away, these to be the words that tell me I should not be to use my words.

Some say they cannot help me, if I do not express my inner self
But when I do, I am told I am wrong, and to put those burdens on the shelf
No one explains them to me or helps me learn to cope
Feeling so many emotions are stored there, leaving me with no hope

Some say I to need to express self, but often in my expressions I to be still misunderstood for the intent of my words and meanings behind them. I to be told I to be wrong to have some thinkings. Some to be to telled me I to be so much wrong to be to walk away from family and that I should be to leave past be past and not think on such things as past, I to be told I to be an adult and need to be to set aside childhood pains. I should be to go on as though no things to be to happen in life. Yet much of past has created much of who I to be in many ways today that impede me from being like others in life, Yet I to be not able to move on as much things left open still and need to find closure to them so I can be to healthy leave them on shelf to not be explored again. No one teaches me when the fear and anger to consume me the whys of it and then teach me coping skills to manage the strong emotions that to be to take over mixed up and confused because they to be to like haunt me as there to not be answers to them that I to need to have to move on.

Wanting so much to please, but find no one is content
Not understanding my words or hearing what my expressions meant
Feeling like I'd be better off, silent, lost in my own confinement
Than expressing what is in me, and having my words die and ferment

So much of life is trying to please, trying to blend to mix among them to make them happy and not attacking of my true being, yet even among this I to be not able to do it in ways expected of me, yet at same when being self told I to not be to be like that as it to be wrong too. I cannot be to absorb self in interests, self play, pacing, rocking, language etc.every true part of me is considered a social taboo not acceptable either so who can I to be, where is home to me. In this world in true they're to not be a home for me. Tired of playing life's games and in true just want to be to go far away and shut down letting self truly be who I to be in life and never to speak again. Not ever to seek interactions and to be to avoid all who try to reach in with their so-called wisdom in life. I to be to rather be left alone in my own inner play of my own thinkings and self-fulfillments of pleasures that are true to me. Not ever to care again what others to see or expect of me as I to not be to tune in to it anymore but learn to tune it all out as once in life. It is better than to try to connect and be told everything you to do is of wrong, it is better than being so misunderstood, trying so hard and getting no where. It is better than the slow death I to be to get from trying to interact in a world I to be to not understand and confuses me often.

Wanting to be physically cradled in safe and loving arms, but finding no peace
Wanting to be rid of adult expectations, feeling thwarted in defeat
Empty and alone in my world, with no words connecting to my inner fears
Not allowing the emotion to break through with forbidden tears

Knowing what I to want is to be cradled in the arms of those who do be to understand, wanting this deep sense of safe and security, but the autism will not let that to be as touch can interfere with this being mutual. Yet being told again I to be an adult. I to not need such childish things of being cradled and reassured. Not wanting anymore of the frustrating world of adulthood because I cannot be to be responsible to all the expectations. Yet since being forced to be a part of this world it leaves me isolated and afraid, simply being robbed of my expressions to the point that words do not connect to these deep inner fears spoken from my lips. Forcing my emotions to not break forth, smothering them, extinguishing them so that the forbidden tears do not come forth.

When will others understand that autism brings so much pain?
We can do many things, but it is not the same
We bring to life or intellect, but we come in rudeness of way
Many are locked behind the door with no more words left to say.

When will others see us as we really are, when allowed to be who we are we are content but when others come into our world they rip us from the safe we know and tarnish it with thinkings that we are not ready to cope with, they teach us things to be more robotic in ways with little true cognition to its purpose. When we express our abilities it is often overlooked as nonsense. Or since it has no meaning to others does not mean it is void of it reasons to us. We try to be to do things like others in life but our work is not accepted while we live, but often in history it shows after their death the works are respected. We are smart people who have many challenges in life. Typicals focus on the challenges instead of the strengths. Thus we are not taken seriously. Even for me I to be to have much health issues I to be to have shared much in life but since could not communicate it effectively it was treated as a misconception, a falsehood as though I to not be able to have cognition to it. After a life time experiences teach us better to keep silent, avoid, act out to cause interactions to leave us. As after a life time we are told we have no value and when we do be to finally shut down it is true we are degraded enough we in true know we are void of worth, our existence is an illusion and for this our words are empty words that are better off not spoken.

So in silence they rock comforting their pain and sorrow
Waiting and hoping for comfort of a better tomorrow
Seeking for unity and acceptance of who we are to be
Showing I exist, I am whole. I am just simply being me.

So in our self-preservations we learn to find other modes to self-comfort us, we have learned human kind does not bring comfort but pain. We to not be to understand people well to begin with but after many failed attempts we see no to connections or use in to keep pursuing a dead end street. We sit silent in our own confinements to survive, yet in hopes maybe tomorrow will come and life will be different for us, seeking the same goals others are seeking self worth and dignity in life. And at same time our reactions to the world and others we are shouting to the world "I am simply being me"

Written by Sondra Williams
Copyright © October 19, 2002

First posted 21 Oct 02.
Sondra will be offering a booklet of her poetry for sale in the near future.

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