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IN THIS ISSUE

• Zvonko Springer concludes his reminiscences about Africa
• Dixie Augusteijn forwards a tale of a shocking ripoff
• Tony Lewis reports on a conspiracy against seniors
• Kate Brookfield sends examples of children´s observations
• Shirley Conlon´s story tells of a logical but untruthful reply
• Work can be hazardous to your health
• The City Farmer is a 30-year-old organization
• Betty Fehlhaber and Tom Telfer suggest this week´s websites

Zvonko Springer tells about a winning idea during his employment in Africa:

THE TERRAZZO SCULPTURE

The official opening of the Tanzania Portland Cement Co. was fixed for February 7, 1967. The company´s trade mark was chosen as "twiga," which means giraffe in Swahili. I got an idea to affix a sculpture of a giraffe made out of terrazzo pieces at the entrance to the head office of the new factory. Our architect, Tibor Gaal, an emigrant after the Hungarian uprising in 1958, made a sketch on a 1:1 scale of a giraffe about 2,5m high.

An employee in Bamburi Works´ building department, Fabrizzi, from Italy, was the specialist for this kind of job. He made a number of pieces each about 60cm long out of the giraffe sketch. The pieces were of brown stone polished in terrazzo technique and complied exactly with Tibor´s sketch. Each of the pieces had a pin on the back to be fixed on the wall. He made a number of slabs of black-white terrazzo to indicate a natural background.

When everything was ready, the twiga sculpture was assembled on the grassy plane in front of the window in Dr. Felix Mandl´s office. Then I went to call him to look out of this window to view the "giraffe" laid out on the grass. The managing director´s secretary warned me that he had a VIP visitor in his room. She announced my coming first and then went to the window herself to view this sculpture.

Dr. Mandl stood up somewhat reluctantly, but seeing the giraffe laid out on the grass became furious and started angrily scolding me for daring to spend so much money on this "object". At first I stood there stunned and shocked. Luckily for me, the VIP guest, who was Dr. Mandl´s cousin, as well as the secretary both were enchanted with the twiga. They saved my skin for sure. After a while Dr. Mandl agreed that we should affix that "thing" temporarily until his final scrutiny when he inspected the head office at Wazo Hill the next time. I left his office, happy about the outcome and heartily thanking my saviours. Also I explained that the cost of making the "thing" was almost nothing and that the sculpture should be considered a present to the new works.

Then every part was carefully packed and shipped to Wazo. A few days later, Fabrizzi went to Wazo to supervise the fixing of all the parts on the wall at the entrance hall of the head office. Gaal asked that a black line be incised in the wall above the sculpture symbolizing the silhouette of Kilimanjaro against the bluish-grey wall paint. As promised, Dr. Mandl inspected our piece of art, showing a rather stern mien at first. After a while he ordered two of the black-white slabs to be removed. After that he left us standing there, somehow puzzled but happy that the giraffe could remain.

On January 1, 1967, the Government of Tanzania issued the Arusha Declaration declaring the nationalization of all foreign assets like banks, industries, and private enterprises. A few senior staff members of BPCCo and their spouses were invited to the opening ceremony to be held at Wazo Hill. We arrived a day ahead and stayed overnight in the Kilimanjaro Hotel in Dar-es-Salaamt. The opening ceremony was scheduled for the late morning and quite a crowd gathered in front of the new TPCCo head office. The President of the United Republic of Tanzania, Julius Nyerere Mwalimu, arrived with a large entourage that included several ministers and high-ranking army officers.

In his opening speech, Mwalimu (the Teacher) said that the new large cement industry would produce cement for the State of Tanzania from then on. According to the Arusha Declaration, the factory now belonged to the people of Tanzania. Following this rather icy opening speech, Dr. Mandl said that he had already experienced such a nationalization, meaning in Yugoslavia. Then he recommended that the president keep the experienced technical staff until Tanzanians learned how to operate this complex industry for the good of the country.

Of course the opening ceremony continued in a somewhat depressed mood, with guests touring the plant in small groups. I won my "prize" when the guests gathered in the foyer of the head office and complimented Dr. Mandl on the exceptional twiga sculpture.

The artists, Froehlich and Gaal

Head office of the cement factory

Dixie Augusteijn sends this story of

THE HOLY PROSTITUTES

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign which reads: "Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution - 10 Miles."

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. But soon he sees another sign which reads: "Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution - 5 Miles."

He begins to believe that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: "Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution - Next Right."

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: "Sisters of St. Francis."

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

"Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of St. Francis. Serves You Right, You Sinner."

Tony Lewis says we must stop this conspiracy immediately:

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper, groceries are heavier, and everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they´re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn´t even recognize me! I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You´re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think older women don´t notice? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they´re fooling?

I´d like to call up someone in authority to report what´s going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they´ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

Kate Brookfield thinks these have to be original and genuine, because no adult is this creative!

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

Jack (age 3) was watching his Mom breastfeeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was Granny replied she was so old she didn´t remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don´t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

Steven (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I´m going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

Brittany (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she´d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it´s me?"

Susan ( age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don´t give me this juice again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don´t know what´ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

Tammy (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn´t your skin fit your face?"

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget: One particular Sunday sermon: "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust...." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter, who was listening, leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year-old-girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Shirley Conlon forwards the story of

OLE´S ACCIDENT

Ole´s truck was hit by another truck in an accident.

In court, the trucking company´s lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn´t you say sir, at the scene of the accident, ´I´m fine´? asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, "Vell, I´ll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...."

"I didn´t ask for details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ´I´m fine´?"

Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Ole´s answer and said to the lawyer, "I´d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the judge and proceeded. "Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highway ven dis huge semitruck ran da stop sign and smacked into my truck right in da side. I vas trone into vun ditch and Bessie she vas trone into da udder. I vas hurting real bad and didn´t vont to move. But I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she vas in terrible shape yust by her groans.

"Shortly after da accident da highway patrolman he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between da eyes.

"Den da patrolman he came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, ´How are you feeling?´

"Now, if you vas me, vut da hell vould YOU say?"

Aren´t you glad you are retired?

HAZARDS AT WORK

* A German truck driver crashed on the autobahn after choking on an apple and swallowing his false teeth.

* Another German driver cooked a sausage lunch on a small gas stove while proceeding down the highway, setting fire to his cab. He was treated for smoke inhalation.

* A carpenter in Salzburg bumped into a co-worker and accidentally shot a 10-centimetre nail into his own brain, without suffering even a headache afterward.

* A council worker in Belfast, asked to dress as a tomato for a garden event, suffered a slipped disc when the city´s Lord Mayor failed in an attempt to leapfrog over her.

* An injured New Zealand tree surgeon being airlifted out of one tree smashed accidentally into a second one, resulting in additional cuts and bruises.

Discrimination

* A Polish priest, planning to open a chain of cafe-bars to raise money for charity, announced that "ugly women" need not bother to apply.

* A black resident of Belgium had his job application rejected by a businessman who claimed his dog was racist and would bite non-whites.

* A black political science student who applied for a job in Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty´s office was accidentally sent an e-mail that referred to him as a "ghetto dude."

Career opportunities

* An unemployed Englishman found work as a goddess at a remote jungle temple in India, where devotees believe he can cure infertility.

* A man in a small Brazilian town supports himself by walking around shirtless showing off ads for local businesses that are tattooed to his body.

* The British-based Circus of Horrors advertised for a "pickled person" with loose limbs who could fit into a 60-centimetre-high laboratory bottle filled with vinegar.

* In Australia, the maker of Durex condoms sought 200 testers to provide feedback on free products. The pay: zero.

Grievances

* A South Africa union says conditions are so tough for its workers that they no longer have energy for sex.

* About 30 assistant ministers in Kenya´s civil service wrote a letter to the president saying they are given nothing to do all day but read newspapers.

* Trolley bus drivers in a Lithuanian town refused to drive vehicles with advertisements promoting tolerance toward gays for fear their friends would laugh at them.

THE CITY FARMER

According to Michael Pollan, "A great many things happen when you plant a vegetable garden, some of them directly related to climate change, others indirect but related nevertheless. Growing food, we forget, comprises the original solar technology: calories produced by means of photosynthesis. Years ago the cheap-energy mind discovered that more food could be produced with less effort by replacing sunlight with fossil-fuel fertilizers and pesticides, with a result that the typical calorie of food energy in your diet now requires about 10 calories of fossil-fuel energy to produce. It´s estimated that the way we feed ourselves (or rather, allow ourselves to be fed) accounts for about a fifth of the greenhouse gas for which each of us is responsible."

To read a recent article by Pollan in the NYT, go to http://tiny.cc/0HeTc

For recent articles on worm composting, backyard composting, backyard gardening, communal gardens, and many more related articles, go to http://www.cityfarmer.info/

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Betty Fehlhaber says it may take a few tries to load this site because it is so popular:

Tom Telfer suggests this site for a very different interpretation of the Swan Lake ballet. Also included on the site are many other dance videos:

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. - Laurence J. Peter