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IN THIS ISSUE

• Betty Brightwell remembers Grandma´s aprons
• Join me in wishing Dixie Augusteijn a happy birthday
• Mildred writes about last week´s issue
• Gerrit de Leeuw forwards new golf rules for seniors
• Bill McNair sends excerpts from a book about the courts
• Catherine Green´s story is about a helicopter ride
• Tom Williamson forwards a story about breaking airline regulations
• Gerrit and Tom recommend exciting videos

Betty Brightwell is just one of those who forwarded this piece about

APRONS

I don´t think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma´s apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children´s tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, Grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.

Remember ... Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool; her granddaughters set theirs on the kitchen counter to thaw.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DIXIE!

Tomorrow, July 6th, is Dixie Augustein´s 97th birthday! I know you join me in wishing Dixie a wonderful day and a happy year. If you wish to send Dixie a personal card, just write to me for her address and I will send it to you at once. I know she would love to hear from you.

CORRESPONDENCE

Mildred ... writes: I loved your story about the scooter and some day may need one of my own. I have laughed so hard about the taser experience ... never read anything quite so graphic. What a guy to write so vividly! This was one of the funniest newsletters I have ever read. Always enjoy reading all the interesting activities of others.

Gerrit de Leeuw sends this copy of

NEW GOLF RULES FOR SENIORS

Rule 1.a.5 - A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (b) - A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3 (g) - There shall be no such thing as a lost ball; the missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7 (h) - If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5. - Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k) - There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15 (z) - There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers´ shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9(s) - Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

Bill McNair reminds us of these gems gleaned from a book by Charles M. Sevilla called

DISORDER IN THE COURT: GREAT FRACTURED MOMENTS IN COURTROOM HISTORY

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
Witness: He said, ´Where am I, Cathy?´
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!

Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Attorney: Now doctor, isn´t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn´t know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he´s twenty-one.

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shittin´ me?

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh ... I was gettin´ laid!

Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Guess.

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?

Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
Witness: Oral.

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh ... are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Catherine Green forwards this story about

FIFTY DOLLARS IS FIFTY DOLLARS!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I´d like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I´m 85 years old. If I don´t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I´ll make you a deal. I´ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won´t charge you! But if you say one word, it´s fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn´t. I´m impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

Tom Williamson sends the story of a couple who broke

AIRLINE REGULATIONS

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane: "I think everyone´s asleep. Let´s go."

"This one´s empty ... no-one´s looking ... you go in first."

"It´s a bit cramped - let me sit down."

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff sniff. "Ah perfume - you think of everything."

"This is great...." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you´re doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Gerrit de Leeuw suggests watching this video if you can stand the tension:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=GPWJc8sLhjo

Tom Williamson sends the URL for a video of Chinese bar acrobats:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=PRJxJdgc4Ng&feature=related

"I´d rather be a failure at something I enjoy than be a success at something I hate." - George Burns