Stories: Tale Spinners #2009-18

These "Tale Spinner" episodes are brought to you courtesy of one of our Canadian friends, Jean Sansum. You can thank her by eMail at

Vol. XV No. 18
May 1, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE

Dick Monaghan has reached the venerable age of 80
From the archives, Keith Elliot has another story about burros
Kate Brookfield forwards a report of an unusual robbery
Peter Rollo tells of a perfect excuse for speeding
Tom Williamson sends the results of a scientific study of sex
Howard Hughes warns about messing with women who read
Are dogs and cats better than kids?
Catherine Green, Tom Kyle, Tom Telfer, and Tom Williamson suggest sites

Dick Monaghan does his part to fill these empty pages:

QUIZ

If you´re not quite sure you´re 80, you might try the following questions:

1. If you buy a new small bottle of Tabasco, does it seem likely to be the last one you´ll ever need?

2. If you you´re in a group, do people put one hand on your shoulder, speak in a loud, hearty voice and look past you to scan the crowd?

3. Do young people give you the impression they think you got old because you were careless, a mistake they´ll never make?

4. If a youth on a bus says rudely "Hey, old man!" do you just grin because it´s obvious he´s terrified that there is even a remote possibility he might become like you in a thousand years or so?

5. If a rude driver cuts you off in traffic, do you forego describing his resemblance to a bodily orifice, fall back in the line and forget the whole thing in 10 seconds, because the world is full of human horse-apples not worth sweating over?

6. Do you find the plots of about 80% of movies and television shows tired and predictable? Are "comedies" rarely as funny as they were six decades ago?

7. Does it make you sad to realize there´s no way you can outlive the warranty on your new roof?

8. Does money now seem like it´s issued by the people who brought us "Monopoly?"

9. Do you find that the more communication becomes easier, the less people have to say?

10. And lastly, when people say (or imply), "Aren´t you sorry you can´t...?" can you reply, "And I don´t have to, either!" with genuine relief?

FROM THE ARCHIVES

Remember the story about the burros a few weeks ago? Here is another tale by Keith Elliott:

THE BURROS

Fifteen hundred kilometers north of the Puerto Angel site of our earlier burros tale, we were camping at another fishing village, to which the Mexican government had recently constructed a beautiful new 3k asphalt connector to Hwy. 200, as it has been doing with many coastal communities on the Pacific to encourage tourist access.

Each morning we were up before daybreak, walking out the new road, up the highway, back to the ocean along another road, and then "home" via the beach - a good two-hour rectangular trek. We would be away from camp early so as to arrive back for breakfast before the sun got too high.

One fine morning we were on the first leg - walking out of the village on the new connector in the pre-dawn mist - when suddenly we heard a chorus of braying and whistling up ahead, and wondered whether perhaps we´d finally get to see burros in the act of making more burros, but no! here were three of them out on the new road, and they´d gotten themselves into a Sufi ecstatic frenzy.

They had invented a great game on this unfamiliar new tarmac. Two burros would face each other, their necks would entwine, then they´d start a rotating movement with their locked necks and heads going round faster and faster until the feet of one of the burros would leave the ground, its body would soar through the air, and then it would crash on its back onto the pavement, venting a great scream as its breath was knocked out.

While recovering, the dizzily deposed one would watch as the third burro took on the victor of round one. Round and round this cycle went - the burros were as delirious as whirling dervishes. Such natural joy - such primal exuberance. We were agog and nearly dizzy ourselves from just watching the spectacle.

Then some farmers´ dogs got into the act, barking, charging and snapping at the burros, but the burros were on their own private nirvanic plane and completely ignored the dogs. The farmers themselves were then sent out by their wives, and when the farmers saw what the ruckus was all about, they lent their voices to those of the dogs and burros, and swatted everything moving with their big sombreros. However, nothing would stop the manic dance of the hee- hawing jack-asses until the farmers pelted them with rocks, big rocks, and finally snapped the tawny trio out of their asphalt- induced altered state.

In time, the burros were herded back to their field, peace was restored to the village, and we two could continue our appointed round, assured that Mexico´s roads were again safe.

Kate Brookfield writes: This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2:

THE VANILLA PUDDING ROBBERY

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe´s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank´s audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we´ll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

"IRELAND´S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"

Peter Rollo asks:

DOES THIS MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going? Makes perfectly good sense to me!

Tom Williamson explains

THE SEVEN DIFFERENT KINDS OF SEX

Recent research shows that there are seven kinds of sex:

The first kind of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The second kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The third kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The fourth kind of sex is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say, "Screw you."

The fifth kind of sex is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The sixth kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon, and nun at night.

OOPS!

Don´t forget the seventh kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

Howard Hughes forwards the story of

THE WELL-READ WOMAN

While on a family outing at the lake, the husband returned to the camp site after several hours of fishing and told his wife that he needed to take a short nap because the fishing made him tired.

With the kids away hiking, the wife was bored just sitting around their campsite, so she decided to take the boat out to get some sun. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and laid back to read a book.

Before long, the game warden came by in his boat and pulled it alongside the woman´s boat. "Good afternoon, Ma´am," he said, "what are you doing?"

The woman felt that it was obvious what she was doing. Nevertheless she responded to the question: "Reading a book."

"You´re in a restricted fishing area, Ma´am," the game warden informed her.

"I´m sorry, officer, but I´m not fishing. I´m reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I´ll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I´ll have to charge you with sexual assault," the woman said.

The game warden scratched his head. "But I haven´t touched you."

"That´s true, but you have all the equipment, and for all I know you could start at any moment."

The game warden spit in the water, started his boat´s motor, and eased it into reverse. "Have a nice day ma´am," he smiled. "Enjoy your book."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It´s likely she can also think.

DOGS AND CATS ARE BETTER THAN KIDS

Because they eat less, don´t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don´t smoke or drink, don´t worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don´t wear your clothes, don´t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.