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IN THIS ISSUE

• Geoff Goodship has returned from another interesting trip
• Pat Moore remembers her first car
• Don Henderson forwards campers´ comments to US Forest Service
• Dick Monaghan sends an example of Catholic humour
• Have you heard about the Scottish military hospital?
• Gerrit de Leeuw forwards a story for golfers
• Carol Hansen reminds us that old age is a gift
• Men contemplating housework should be cautious
• Nevil, Tom Kyle, and Tom Williamson suggest sites

Geoff Goodship, our much-travelled retired friend, has just returned from another expedition:

CANOEING IN UTAH

I´ve been away for 10 days on a canoe trip. Six of us paddled on the Green and Colorado Rivers in Utah near Moab. It´s a wilderness area of dry red rock hoodoos and cliffs that are slowly decaying and falling into the river. We had a great time but unfortunately it doesn´t translate into a story. (No-one fell in. No-one upset. No-one got lost. No bears in that neck of the woods. No trees either.) I did, however, get food poisoning on the way home, courtesy of B.C. Ferries. It´s taken me longer to regain my balance from the food posoning than from the camping trip.

Two rivers, three canoes, four nights, five days, six good friends added up to one fine Utah adventure. With a son and four friends we paddled, drifted, floated from Mineral Bottoms on the Green River to Spanish Bottoms on the Colorado.

Memories of the companionship, the stories, the great food and the adventure will last, but the most overwhelming impression came from the river and the rocks themselves. We drifted next to red sedimentary cliffs that soared a thousand feet overhead, their mesas encrusted with fossils from a seabed long gone. Everywhere the soft sedimentary rock was decaying, eroding, and falling, but the river continued to grind its way, paying no heed to the crumbling mass above.

Rocks seem to teeter, hanging suspended over the river, ready to fall at any moment. We asked, "How come we don´t see one of the tens of thousands fall?" They do. The truth is if we waited a hundred years, we might see two or three, big as houses, succumb to erosion and gravity. We were just not there long enough to see it. The river and the rocks are a gigantic geologic calendar, and we are less than a millisecond flash on the river´s time scale.

I could go on about how all that water disappears in the farms and swimming pools of Arizona, never to reach the sea, but it´s the story in the rocks that overwhelms.

ED. NOTE: I asked Geoff if his wife, Freddie, had been part of the expedition. He replied: It was all guys. Fred says she has reached the age where she prefers to sleep in a bed and doesn´t want to get more than a half mile from a flush toilet. Our son Ian says he prefers camping at the Four Seasons, but I didn´t give him the choice.

For a YouTube video of Geoff´s trip, see

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KyoLRuqImQ

Pat Moore remembers her

FIRST CAR

Reading "Distant Roads" by Paul Harvey again brought back fond memories of my first car. Five of us girls, ages 13, 14, and 15, put our money together and bought an old jalopy for the season at our summer cottage near Winnipeg, for $100.

Driver´s license - not needed at the beach, or so we thought; knowing how to drive - we learned while watching the 15-year-old, who had learned while watching her brother. Learning was fairly simple except for changing gears and going backward, which was quite tricky at times so we always tried to park so that we just needed to go forward. If we really needed to back up, then we would all get out and change places so that the 15-year-old could drive to get us out of that predicament.

We thought we were the "cat´s meow" all summer, driving it to the tennis courts, yacht club, etc. - where the boys were!

Gas was 8 cents a gallon and we drove around all summer and had a glorious time. At the end of the summer, we sold the car for $125 and made a profit that paid for our all our gas.

Those were the days!

Don Henderson forwards these comments that are supposed to have been left on US Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

CAMPERS´ COMMENTS

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald´s would be nice at the trail head."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

Dick Monaghan forwards this example of

CATHOLIC HUMOUR

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen, and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior´s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked in earnest, "please, give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don´t sell that cow!"

This groaner is from http://www.jumbojoke.com/, which is posted by This Is True:

THE SCOTTISH MILITARY FIELD HOSPITAL

The new commander in Iraq hears that a Scottish regiment has a specialized field hospital that´s doing fantastic things with the troops. He wants to know what is so special about the place, so he arranges a tour.

When he gets to the ward, it´s full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He´s perplexed, so goes up to the first bed and greets the soldier there.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

The general is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

That soldier responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the commander moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, the general turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No, not at all," replies the doctor. "This is the Serious Burns unit."

Gerrit deLeeuw sends this one for our golfing friends:

ED AND DOROTHY

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. After a couple of weeks in which he took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.

And so, on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

"It´s only fair to warn you, I´m a total golf nut," said Ed to his new-found lady friend. "I eat, sleep, and breathe golf, so if that´s going to be a problem, you´d better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Since we´re being so honest with each other, here goes. You need to know that I´m a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied. "That´s a problem, for sure."

He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought. Then he added, "You know, it´s probably because you´re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

Carol Hansen reminds us that

OLD AGE IS A GIFT

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person who lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother or father!), but I don´t agonise over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for fewer grey hairs or a flatter belly. As I´ve aged, I´ve become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I´ve become my own friend.

I don´t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn´t need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon, before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the ´60s and ´70s, and if, at the same time, I wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody´s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength, understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning grey, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don´t question myself anymore. I´ve even earned the right to be wrong.

I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

This list of quotes is borrowed from a post by Robert Fargher:

DOGS

It´s a dog eat dog world ... and I´m wearing Milk Bone underwear! - Norm, from Cheers

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous

"Don´t accept your dog´s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." - Fran Lebowitz

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It´s the best deal man has ever made." - M. Facklam

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." - Sigmund Freud

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it´s how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry

"Anybody who doesn´t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren´t getting enough exercise." - Unknown

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That´s almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man´s best friend; inside of a dog, it´s too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we´re the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler

HELPING WITH THE HOUSEWORK

Housework used to be a woman´s job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove and the table set. She was astonished.

It turns out that Charles had gone home early and read a bit of the old Cosmopolitan she had left out. The featured article on the cover informed him that wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charles even cleaned up the kitchen! He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. It was really an amazing evening."

"But what about the hot sex afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that," Janice said. "Well, Charles was too tired...."

SUGGESTED WEB SITES

Nevil, Tom Kyle, and Tom Williamson suggest sites

Nevil Horsfall posted the URL for an alternative to the google search site:

http://www17.wolframalpha.com/

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Tom Kyle sends an update to Susan Boyle´s singing career:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZstgqOzUQ

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Tom Williamson suggests a video of a way to retrieve something you have dropped down your sink:

http://www.familyhack.com/2007/08/29/drain-tip

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