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IN THIS ISSUE

• Dalton Deedrick looks back on his career in dentistry
• Pat Moore tells of early encounters with demon drink
• Don Henderson sends more observations on camping
• Tom Telfer has a practical idea for lost credit cards
• Carol Hansen decides that pigs are smart animals
• Dick Monaghan forwards pets´ 10 commandments
• Barbara Wear sends a medical alert
• Miriam Ockenden shares Yogi Berra´s famous quotes
• Bruce Galway and Pat Moore suggest websites

From the December 5 issue of 1998, Dalton Deedrick gives some interesting sidelights on his professional career:

SOME DAYS, FUNNY THINGS HAPPEN IN A DENTAL OFFICE

It is a sad fact that most people show a marked lack of enthusiasm at the prospect of going to the dentist. It is all a matter of perspective, of course. What may be something less than amusing from your, the patient´s view, might look quite different from my side of the picture. Rather than deal with some of the negative stories people tell about their dental experiences, I´d prefer to relate some of the odd, bizarre, or amusing incidents which turned up during my years of practice.

My first practice began just when penicillin came into widespread use, and at that time the only way it was administered was by injection. The only practical sites to inject were the back of the upper arm, or in the buttocks. If the patient was thin, the arm was a poor choice. Consequently, I was often found in the lab, the poor patient bent over the lab bench, holding up his or her shirttail awaiting the stick of a rather large needle. What a way to do dentistry! Everyone was happy when orally-administered penicillin came along.

Back in those days, we made up the aesthetic in the office, and though it worked, more or less, it had a big dollop of epinephrine in it, and a significant number of patients would faint after the injection, or feel very woozy. One day an interesting patient appeared with a toothache. She was interesting by virtue of having spent many years in India, and pointed out each filling or extraction site with a word about where the work had been done - Peshawar, the Punjab, Madras, and so on. She needed another extraction, so I injected the usual potion, then left her for the shot to take effect. When I came back in about five minutes, the chair was empty. She was lying on the floor, totally awake and coherent, holding a small flask of amber coloured liquid in her hand.

"Just felt a bit wonky," she explained, "so I thought if I was on the floor I wouldn´t fall and hurt myself. Nothing like a drop of spirits to help one come around." Actually, her reasoning and actions were pretty sound, and indeed, she ´came around´ just fine. Alas, I never found out what brand of spirits was in the bottle; it might have made a useful addition to my cabinet of nostrums.

Patients were not the only people who fainted in the office. I had a new girl who was just learning to be an assistant - this was before there were training schools for office help - and this day her job was to use the suction machine during a multiple extraction. I was intent on my end of the job when I noticed that the suction had ceased. I looked up - nothing! I looked down - oh, oh! There was poor Carol, out cold as a mackerel, the suction wand still clutched in her hand. After that rather tentative start she became a first-rate assistant, unfazed by any amount of gore.

On a couple of occasions I have had patients disappear. The first was a boy of about twelve, brought in by his father, protesting vigourously all the way. His dad plunked him in the chair, then scooted out, leaving me to deal with the kid. I left him alone for a minute to do something in the adjacent room, and when I came back, he had slipped out, apparently evading his parents as well. I never saw or heard from him again.

Another one that comes to mind was a big, strong, young Jamaican man who came to the Volunteer Clinic where I was working one time. He was obviously terrified, his eyes as big as saucers, and shaking as if he had malaria. He had a terribly abscessed tooth, plainly agonizing, and in spite of his shakes, I finally got an aesthetic in. It had just begun to work well enough to relieve his pain when he must have decided, "Enough of this game!" for he leaped from the chair, pushed past all of us, and took off. Too bad. Given another ten minutes, we could have cured his problem.

Human patients are one thing; non-human are another. I was doing a little volunteering stint out in Tanzania in an Anglican mission clinic one time when the resident bishop´s wife came in with her little lap dog. The dog was her total focus of love and affection, possibly excluding the bishop, and it had a loose and apparently sore tooth. "Would I take it out?" I couldn´t say no, so with ´mother´ restraining her little darling, I applied the most likely looking forceps, and popped it out. You would think the dog would be grateful, wouldn´t you? In fact, from then on, every time I came within sight or sound of the little beast, he would make every effort to bite me!

On that particular junket I had denture work under way simultaneously for the Anglican bishop, the Catholic bishop, and the sheikh from the Mohammedan mosque. A friend suggested I was trying to cover all the bases in case I had an early demise, and might need a good word from somebody on my trip to Gloryland. I kept hoping all the new dentures fit well.

What about age limits for dentistry? The medical doctor next door sent a patient to me just ten days old. The child was born with what appeared to be tiny lower front teeth, which were making it, from the mother´s point of view, impossible to nurse. They were just little calcified spicules, not really teeth, and were quickly removed, making everyone happy. At the other end of the scale was a lady just short of her hundred and first birthday, a resident in the local nursing home. She had just a few teeth left, one of them so loose that it was always getting in the way when she tried to eat or drink. I went to the residence with a small kit and removed the offender. She went to her grave a few months later, the last few teeth still in place.

To be concluded.

CORRESPONDENCE

Catherine Green´s Important Health Advice for Women in last week´s issue reminded Pat Moore of her own experiences with "booze":

Just before going out of a date, my Mother or Father would always whisper in my ear, "Have some Madeira, my dear."

That was their way of reminding me that if my date wanted me to drink wine or any other booze, that was his way of trying to "have his way with me"!

The only problem with this was that I became addicted to Coca-Cola - as everyone would assume I was drinking rum and Coke and therefore not embarrass my date for having a date who was no fun. It took me years to rid myself of this Coke addiction and I now have my craving down to about four times a week. However, during the hot summer months I occasionally will treat myself to an ice cream Coke float - but I do not count that one as one of the four or five I allow myself each week.

As an adult I usually remembered my parent´s advice but forgot it at a dinner party with two other couples in their home for a Swiss fondue party. This was the original Swiss fondue party where if your piece of bread fell off your long fondue fork while dipping into the hot cheese concoction in the pot, you were required to "chug-a-lug" your white wine down.

A great dinner party was enjoyed by all and needless to say, many pieces of bread were dropped. My only memories of that evening were when it was time after dinner to clean up, Harold and I were sitting under the kitchen table, peering out between the table legs, whispering to each other, "Ssshhhh! Don´t make a sound and they never will know we are here and we will not have to help clean up the dishes!"

Moral of the story - maybe the hint about not drinking too much was right?

Don Henderson adds to his observations about

CAMPING

* Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the point of maximum pressure.

* The distance to a given camp site remains constant as twilight approaches.

* The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the amount of repellent that remains.

* The probability of diarrhea increases with the square of the thistle content of the local vegetation.

* The area of level ground in the neighborhood tends to vanish as the need to make camp becomes finite.

* In a mummy bag the urgency of ones need to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn. It is also inversely proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is completely zipped up.

* Waterproof clothing isn´t. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).

* The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.

* Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought.

* Tent stakes come only in the quantity "N-1" where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.

* Propane/butane tanks that are full when they are packed, will unexplainably empty themselves before you can reach the campsite.

* Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.

* Your side of the tent is the side that leaks.

* All foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze- dried.

* Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for reconstituting anything freeze-dried.

* When reading the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, "hour" should be substituted for "minute" when reading the average quarts filtered per minute.

* The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.

* All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of your nose. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height.

* You will lose the little toothpick in your Swiss Army knife as soon as you open the box.

* Rain.

* Enough dirt will get tracked into the tent on the first day out that you can grow the food you need for the rest of the trip in rows between sleeping bags.

* When camping in late fall or winter, your underwear will stay at approximately 35.702 degrees Kelvin no matter how long you keep it in your sleeping bag with you.

* Bears.

* The sun sets three-and-a-half times faster than normal when you´re trying to set up camp.

* Tents never come apart as easily when you´re leaving a site as when you´re trying to get them set up in the first place.

* When planning to take time off of work/school for your camping trip, always add an extra week, because when you get home from your "vacation" you´ll be too tired to go back for a week after.

Tom Telfer has a practical

IDEA

When a credit card is lost or stolen, the number that you need is on the back of the card. Speed in reporting the loss is very important, so why not store the number on your cell phone? Also, the ultimate system is to photocopy both sides of all cards.

ED. NOTE: With the added proviso, of course, that you are careful where you store them.

Carol Hansen concludes that

PIGS ARE NOT STUPID

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they agreed to drive 30 miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the 30 miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they´re lying in the grass in the morning, they´re pregnant. If they´re in the mud, they´re not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife. "They´re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Dick Monaghan writes: Remember that pets can´t do a lot of things for themselves and that they depend on you to make their life a quality life!

A PET´S TEN COMMANDMENTS

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me

3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.

4. Don´t be angry with me for long and don´t lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don´t understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I´m not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.

9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.

10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can´t bear to watch. Don´t make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

Barbara Wear forwards this

MEDICAL ALERT

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

Miriam Ockenden writes that Yogi Berra was a better baseball player than he was a speaker, but he´s probably quoted more than Churchill. Here are some his more famous quotes:

LESSONS FROM A YOGI

"You can´t think and hit at the same time."

"Nobody goes there; it´s too crowded."

"A nickel ain´t worth a dime anymore."

"The only reason I need these gloves is ´cause of my hands."

"We were overwhelming underdogs."

"The other team could make trouble for us if they win."

"It´s never happened in World Series history, and it hasn´t happened since."

"It´s deja vu all over again!"

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"If people don´t come to the ballpark, how are you gonna stop them?"

"If you ask me a question, I don´t know I´m not going to answer."

"Slump? I ain´t in no slump ... I just ain´t hitting."

"It was hard to have a conversation with anyone, there were too many people talking."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"We´re lost, but we´re making good time."

"If the world were perfect it wouldn´t be."

"If I didn´t wake up I´d still be sleeping."

"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4."

"If you can´t imitate him, don´t copy him."

"It gets late early out here."

"90% of the game is half mental."

"Always go to other people´s funerals, otherwise they won´t go to yours."

"Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have made it before he died."

"I´m as red as a sheet."

"I wish I had an answer to that because I´m tired of answering that question."

"Pair up in threes."

"Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken."

"Don´t get me right, I´m just asking!"

"Never answer an anonymous letter."

"You can observe a lot by watching."

"It´s not too far, it just seems like it is."

"You´ve got to be careful if you don´t know where you´re going ´cause you might not get there."

"We have a good time together, even when we´re not together."

"Little League baseball is a good thing ´cause it keeps the parents off the streets and it keeps the kids out of the house!"

"The future ain´t what it use to be."

"It ain´t over till it´s over."

"I really didn´t say everything I said."

RECOMMENDED SITES

Bruce Galway challenges you to encircle the cat on this site. Start by clicking on the cat, then on the light green dots to try to trap it with the dark green dots. It´s not easy; it´s a smart cat:

http://www.gamedesign.jp/flash/chatnoir/chatnoir.swf

In preparation for Canada Day, Pat Moore forwards this quiz site:

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_jul2004/Canada_Quiz.htm

Pat also sends the URL for a site about floating homes:

http://www.archdaily.com/10842/floating-house-mos/

An "ongoing project devoted to discovering all the words and everything about them":

http://www.wordnik.com/

I looked up "haywire" and got this word history: " Why should the word for something as functional and mundane as haywire have come to be applied to something that is not functioning properly or to a person who is crazy? It would seem a story of semantics gone haywire. Haywire is a compound of the words hay and wire, originally simply denoting wire used to bale hay or straw. The term is first recorded as a noun in a debate in the Canadian House of Commons (1917), so it is a Canadianism or, since it appeared soon thereafter in a U.S. publication, a North Americanism. We find an earlier (1905) attributive use in the phrase hay wire outfit, a term used contemptuously for poorly equipped loggers. What lies behind this term is the practice of making repairs with haywire. Haywire is found in other contexts with the general sense ´makeshift, inefficient,´ from which come the extended senses ´not functioning properly´ and ´crazy.´"