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IN THIS ISSUE

• Dalton Deedrick recalls more of his days as a dentist
• Jean Sterling and Ron McVey comment on the last issue
• Pat Moore writes about an unusual hobby
• Dick Monaghan forwards more golf quotes
• Shirley Conlon tells about the man looking for a wife
• Gerrit de Leeuw sends the story of a drunk driver
• Barbara Wear, Carol Hansen, and Pat Moore suggest sites

Here is the conclusion of Dalton Deedrick´s tales of dentistry:

SOME DAYS, FUNNY THINGS HAPPEN IN A DENTAL OFFICE

Dentists are not usually called upon to examine naked ladies, but it did happen to me. I was working in a psychiatric hospital where the routine was that every long-term patient have a dental exam each year. I was up on a ward where everyone had been checked except for one patient on my list.

"How about Mrs. So and So?" I enquired. "She´s having a bath," the nurse replied, "but we can fix things up so you can do her check." The patient was in a device which allowed staff to raise or lower her into a deep tub in a seated position, and the tub was a Jacuzzi type. With a good charge of soap and the Jacuzzi turned on, one could achieve a six-inch layer of bubbles in the tub. The lady was lowered until her chin just cleared the foam, and with a mouth mirror and a flashlight, her exam was completed and her chart duly inscribed, "No abnormalities noted."

My office at one time was adjacent to a medical clinic and the physicians and I shared a large waiting room. One day I glanced out of my door just in time to see one of the patients from their side leaving the office, marching through the waiting room with the hem of her skirt tucked into the top of her panty hose. No one had the presence of mind to do anything to warn her before she stepped outside. I´ll bet she had a red face and a quick readjustment when that fresh Alberta breeze caught her attention!

Generally speaking, not much happens to dental replacements if they are left in the mouth, but once removed, look out! One fellow came in with his partial denture all chewed up, literally. He had set it aside someplace handy - so handy that his dog found it and crunched it beyond repair.

Another fellow came in with a handful of porcelain teeth salvaged from his kitchen stove. He had put his denture in a napkin and included it in his fire-starting kindling. Another had his denture in his breast pocked when he leaned over to pour chop into the hog trough. Next minute he was in the trough on his hands and knees scrabbling with the hungry pigs to retrieve it from where it had fallen. The pigs were understandably astonished at this unexpected competition at feeding time.

Another fellow was making fence in the fall. His denture was a bit uncomfortable, so he took it out and placed it on top of a post, then forgot what he had done with it. Next spring, in walking along the fence line, he found it sitting nicely where he had put it six months before.

Every dentist in the country can recite tales of people who have whooped their denture, usually an upper, down the toilet when they became ill. Such items flush quite irretrievably, as do those that go overboard from a ship. If you are a water skier, better leave your china clippers with someone you trust before leaving the dock.

Fixed bridges, that is the kind which are cemented in place, are usually almost trouble-free, but they too will occasionally become unstuck. A lady came in one day with her bridge in her hand (happily, it had been made in another office years ago), and asked me to re- cement it. I told her she was lucky she had not swallowed it. She had a funny little grin on her face when she replied, "Actually, I did." I re-cemented it without a lot of idle chit-chat about the digestive system.

The local old folks´ home had several double occupancy rooms where two people would share the same room. One day, one of the men in such an accommodation came to the office to get a new denture. The one he´d worn for years had disappeared. It hadn´t turned up in the laundry where such items were usually found, and he couldn´t chew worth a darn without his ´uppers´. We made him a new set and he went away happy. Two weeks later his roommate came in. "Doc," he said, "I´ve been fighting with this plate for a month, and it´s so loose I can hardly keep it in." A quick look was all it took to explain both of the men´s complaints. Patient "B" was wearing, more or less, his roommate´s dentures. Where his dentures had gone remain an unsolved mystery, so I had to make him a new set too. Anyway, patient "A" now had a spare.

Well, there you have it. Most of the foregoing incidents had a relatively happy ending, and are told only to illustrate that life in a dental office is not always as ho-hum as you imagined. There are other stories that don´t have such beginnings or endings. I´ll write about some of them after the statute of limitations expires.

CORRESPONDENCE

Jean Sterling comments on items in the last issue:

My condolences on the passing of your mouse. [Ed. Note: I have replaced it with a wired mouse, which is not as handy as the wireless mouse that died, but at least will not require new batteries.]

After reading Dalton Deedrick´s article on dentistry, I couldn´t help but wonder if he has ever seen "Little Shop of Horrors", which was a Broadway play and a movie. There is a sadistic dentist in the movie played by Steve Martin. I watched the movie one night on TV and remarked to my husband that seeing the dentist in the film reminded me that I had to call for a dental appointment. The next day I mentioned that I had called after seeing the dentist in "Little Shop" to the woman who took care of making appointments, and she assured me that it happened every time they showed that film on TV. Here is a link to Steve Martin singing the dentist song in the movie: http://tiny.cc/JCcS8

On another occasion our dentist broke his leg playing soccer and had to cancel some appointments, including mine. As you might expect, I was delighted. The woman who called said everybody she called seemed happy and that nobody had complained.

Actually our dentist is a nice guy. He´s retired now, and I see him regularly at the Y.

"Have some Madeira, my dear," mentioned in Pat Moore´s letter, is one of my husband´s favourite songs. The Limelighters sang it, and it´s quite funny - and it does have a message too. I found a link to that one too:

http://tiny.cc/lPU1z

Ron McVey, referring to the death of my mouse, wrote: You must have played the cat game with your mouse.

ED. NOTE: Ron was referring to Bruce Galway´s challenge to encircle a cat before it could scamper off-screen at http://www.gamedesign.jp/flash/chatnoir/chatnoir.swf. Matching wits with that cat may indeed have exhausted my poor little mouse.

Pat Moore writes about an unusual hobby:

MAKING BRASS RUBBINGS IN ENGLISH CEMETERIES

Did you ever put a piece of paper over a coin and then lightly rub it with a soft pencil so that the impression of the coin showed up on the paper?

Brass rubbing is a medieval art form where a sheet of paper is stretched across the brass plates commonly found on tombs and churches in England, and an impression taken using hard wax crayons specially purchased for that purpose, with the most popular being nine-karat gold wax on black paper.

On one trip to England I visited over a dozen cemeteries from Brighton in the south, to Oxford in the middle, and to Chester in the north, near Wales. I had researched and contacted the different churches to get permission to do a brass rubbing of some of their most interesting headstones.

Interesting people and some notables often had their headstones almost the length of the coffin, and the image of the person was often cast in bronze on the headstone in full detail.

This is what you can do with these interesting headstones once you have permission to visit the churches that have some of the more interesting headstones.

It is necessary to go down into the basement as most of the graves of the notables are buried in the basement of the church. The basements are usually cold, with a cement floor that is very hard and uncomfortable. It is usually a two-day job to complete the five-foot figure on the headstone and it is not an easy task. Finally, I managed to find a carpet store that would sell me a small piece of thick carpet that I used to kneel on or sit on, so that helped a bit.

Sometimes some very interesting people were there also - either doing brass rubbings too or writing books about the history of the ones buried there.

It was easy to bring the pictures back home as I just rolled them up into heavy cardboard tubes, but getting them framed was another matter. They had to be sent away to be dry mounted (cold, or the nine- K gold would melt) and then matted and framed.

It was great fun doing them although I was terribly cold at times. I had to keep an extra gold crayon inside my jacket so that when the one I was using got too cold and hard and might break or tear the paper, I could switch to a warm one. I certainly met some wonderful artists and authors in the different cemeteries. The most difficult rubbing I did was Richard the Lion Hearted, wearing his war uniform of mail, with a lion at his feet; that one took three days to do.

What would editors do without golf? Dick Monaghan sends us these

GOLF QUOTES

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. - Sam Snead

A hungry dog hunts best. - Lee Trevino

You can talk to a fade but a hook won´t listen. - Lee Trevino

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. - George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. - Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. - Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you´re not good at them. - Kevin Costner

I don´t fear death, but I sure don´t like those three-footers for par. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it´s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. - Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it. - Dan Marino

My favourite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. - Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you´re the best. - Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man´s legs are, the better he plays golf. It´s almost a law. - H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. - Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it´s fun. If you play at it , it´s recreation. If you work at it, it´s golf. - Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. - Henry Youngman

If you think it´s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. - Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. - Lee Trevino

I´m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they´d come up sliced. - Lee Trevino

Shirley Conlon forwards the story of

THE MAN WHO WAS LOOKING FOR A WIFE

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a gift of $5000 and watched to see what they do with the money.

The first did a total makeover. She went to a fancy beauty salon, got her hair done, new makeup; bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she did this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.

Again, the man was impressed.

The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he´d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

Gerrit de Leeuw forwards this story about

THE DRUNK DRIVER

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans-Canada about two miles west of Winnipeg.

When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn´t want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn´t give him a ticket.

The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn´t have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk good old boy driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, ´cause there´s no way I can pass that test."

RECOMMENDED WEBSITES

Barbara Wear writes about a URL for people who are into nostalgia: I have seen a number of this type but thought this one was especially good. How to mow the grass and do laundry? I don´t think so! Be sure to read the "Good Wife´s Guide" from Good Housekeeping:

http://tiny.cc/LgGiCor

For those concerned about freshness, Carol Hansen suggests you check out this site:

http://www.stilltasty.com/

On the subject of cooking, Pat Moore forwards the URL for a site which searches for recipes by the ingredients you have on hand:

http://www.recipepuppy.com/

And for people into renovations and repairs, Pat suggests

http://www.doityourself.com

For stargazers, Pat sends this one: http://www.astronomynow.com/090618lightsinthesky.html

For a video of a car that runs on water: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrxfMz2eDME