MIRANDA JULY

Miranda July has directed a music video for the band Sleater Kinney and made her feature film acting debut in Alison Maclean's Jesus' Son. Her writing appears in recent or forthcoming issues of The Paris Review, The Mississippi Review, and The Harvard Review.

CUFFS

Dear Tracey,

Do you remember when I told you I had been accused of murdering a small blond girl and her cat? And remember how I saw her mom sitting on the floor of the post-office, holding the dead daughter and giving me a really mean look? And I don't know if you remember how I said that I had something else I wanted to tell you. We got so caught up in talking about the girl and her cat and her mom and the torn off cuff of the nightgown that was found by the creek a few feet away from the body of the girl, we got so caught up in that story that I never got to tell you the other thing. Which was really the main reason I called you, to talk about this other thing. I don't have a yellow and white night gown, so the cuff wasn't mine. The thing I wanted to tell you was about my feelings for you. That I love you. I hope you take this seriously because my feelings are serious and it's taken me a long time to give myself permission to be happy. I deserve to be happy. Do you think that you could consider me in a romantic way? I have been considering you this way for a really long time, but I've only recently let myself wonder if it was mutual. I remember feeling really close to you that morning when you brought those magazines over. When we were sitting on the couch I felt a definite charge between us and I don't see how that could have been just me. I really wanted to put my hand on your thigh but then I had this weird thought about the sexes. By sexes I don't mean sex, I mean like the male and female sexes. I had this thought that you might get scared if I touched your thigh because we're both females. Even though I've always been more like a guy-friend to you and I'm kind of built like a guy, when I take off my clothes you can definitely tell I'm a woman. And my crack was really wet and I wondered if yours was too and that's what made me start thinking about the sexes. After you and Ron broke up I really wanted to ask you out but I thought you might be prejudiced because I'm a woman and I also didn't want to mess up my friendship with Ron. So I waited for you to give me a signal that you were interested. Was bringing over the magazines a signal? Were you trying to tell me something? If yes is the answer then I would be the happiest person on earth. I've had hard times, as you know, but I've never stopped believing that love was out there. The day that I saw you at Kate and Matt's picnic, wearing that tank top with the little flowers on it, I thought if I could ever have her I would be the happiest person on earth. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy being your friend, but you know what I mean. When we saw Ghost together I wished that was us, only not with one of us being dead. Whenever I hear that song from Ghost I want to come over to your apartment and say "time out" and make you stop whatever you are doing, and kiss you deeply. And then I would say "time in" and leave. I've thought about doing this like a million times. I wouldn't say anything else but "time out" and "time in" and then I would leave and you could put your fingers to your lips and feel where I kissed you and think about it you wanted some more of that. I've almost done this exact thing so many times, but then I get scared that you wouldn't like it. Remember when I came over and asked to borrow five dollars? Didn't that seem kind of weird? I didn't even need five dollars, but when I saw you watching TV I couldn't make myself say "time out" because you seemed really in to what you were watching. And then when you asked me if I was mad at you and I said no that I was just having a personal problem, well my personal problem was the way you looked in your jogging pants. I just wanted to slide my hand under the elastic waistband so bad and cup my hand over your sweet little mound. It's gotten so that I can smell it anytime you are standing in the same room as me. Even if we are in a place with a lot of other smells, like the Triple Nickel, the smell of your pussy rises up like a bird song over the smoke. Oh man I am going crazy over here thinking about you and wondering what you are going to think of this email. I know I'm going to send it too because I've spent almost three hours writing it which costs like 40 dollars if they charge me the whole rate. It's all over once I hit send. I bet you're never going to talk to me again after you read this. I know some parts seem kind of dirty or even disrespectful, but that's not how I meant it. If you could feel my heart and how hard it's pounding right now then you would know I'm not kidding around. I am risking everything on the tiniest chance in the world that you might feel the same way. I don't think you will, but who knows. I've been wrong about so many things, let's hope I'm wrong about this. I love you Tracey Fleming. Let's make a home together; let me make you happy every day and every night of your life. If you say yes we could be making love as soon as soon as you finish work today, if you want.

Respectfully yours,

Theresa Lodeski