Joseph O'Brien

Joseph O'Brien's work has appeared in McSweeney's and other magazines. He is the editor of Flop Sweat, which can be ordered at http://flopsweat.blogspot.com.

FAMILY PORTRAIT

Grandpa moonlights as a Marty Robbins impersonator.

My stepfather refers to himself as Lord Douglas Wiltington of Cumstain-on-Khaki.

My brother Stu developed a rare illness called Hoskins Disease. As he gets older he becomes more and more indistinguishable from actor Bob Hoskins.

I used to follow the Grateful Dead. Once or twice I caught up with them and saw a show, but I usually got to town a day or two behind.

Aunt Clara has a penchant for slutty Halloween costumes.

Uncle Thomas was a cult leader. It was his goal to take all the clever Asian kids and Americanize them. When he was done with them they'd be chubby and no good at math. He'd get them all up to his house and deny them water. Then he'd drug them by dipping his ponytail in a vat of liquid LSD and wringing it out over their thirsty mouths.

My cousin Joyce insists that Ray Charles wasn't really blind. She's also convinced that Eskimos are really Japanese Indians.

My brother-in-law Seymour has dedicated his life to disproving the stereotype that Jews don't drink.

My cousin Derek likes to park his car outside adult bookstores at night and flash his hi-beams at people trying to come out without being seen. He says it makes him feel like a crimefighter.

My sister Lisa subscribes to Shuttlecock, a pornographic astronaut journal published quarterly by an organization called ASSA.

My brother Albert gets his jollies by sticking his erect penis through the rings of a chain-link fence and holding it there for several minutes.

I found out Dad was an alcoholic when I got my learner's permit. He took me out for a drive in his truck. When I stopped short at a red light, an avalanche of little Dewars bottles came rolling out from under the driver's seat.

My sister Shirley was married to a guy named Lance. He recently ran off with another woman. The other day Shirley was in a coffee shop and another guy named Lance asked her for a date. She took his phone number but said she didn't know if she'd call him or not. "Go ahead," I told her. "It's not everyday you get offered a second Lance."