Mark Peters

Mark Peters is a writer, juggler and teacher from

Buffalo, NY.

HOROSCOPES

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Lately it’s been all about yin and yang, heads and tails, good and evil, Cheech and Chong—you’ve been living the reality of duality. According to my interplanetary sources, you’ve also had a little dry spell in the bedroom. Let me ease your mind and tell you what’s to come: Though you may not hide the weenie much, you will get better and better at hiding the video camera. You won’t sink the salami anytime soon, but you will sink deeper into depression. And while it’s been years since you buried the bone, before the week is out you will bury an attractive co-worker or beloved pet.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

What are some of the lessons you’ve learned, Taurus? I can think of at least five, and there’s no better time than now to keep them all in mind as you navigate the political and romantic asteroid fields ahead: 1) Grief-filled military goons come from within. 2) There is a big difference between the Primate Research Center and the Princess of Wales memorial center. 3) Men argue; female polar bears act. 4) Pimpmobiles say a lot about self-confidence. 5) Judge a reverse anal cowgirl by her deeds, not her words.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

In September 2000, a Mexican surgeon accidentally cut off the penis of a man who came for a circumcision. The alleged amputation occurred during what was supposed to be a routine operation to remove the patient’s foreskin. Astrologically, the chances of you being the victim of a similar atrocity are sky-high—but I want you to be prepared, and I don’t want you to overreact. When you tragically lose your real or metaphorical genetalia, I want you to just smile, shrug, say, "Oh, another alleged amputation," and move on.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

"Running like a bald-headed chicken fucker" will be one of the top metaphors for you in 2003. Broadly speaking, of course. You will not necessarily suffer hair loss or make sweet, sweet love to actual poultry. And given your current physical condition (or impending injuries) I wouldn’t expect you to move as quickly as one should if caught in a Biblical situation with a little red rooster. So apply this metaphor broadly—cast your net far and wide. Be awake and alert, and meditate once a day on the meanings of "run," "bald," "chicken," and "fucker."

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You’re a typical Leo, and your mannerisms are often described as catlike. You’re frequently kneading cushions and pillows or sensuously stroking materials such as velvet or corduroy. When you’re under financial pressure, you hiss and avoid social interaction, and when romance knocks at your door, you exhibit growling, yowling, nervous pacing, hair standing on end, and dilated pupils. Rapid heart rate, uncontrollable urination, and big balls of yarn may be in the future.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

My friend Brian once said, "Don Rickles has become part of the collective unconscious." Certain planetary portents indicate that Brian might be right—that the venerable Mr. Rickles has indeed become one of many "definite forms in the psyche which seem to be present always and everywhere." This would explain a lot of your recent experience, Virgo. Then again, other cosmic sources remind me that Brian is well-known for other statements, such as: "I used to be a 98-pound weakling, but now that I smoke crack, I’m a premature baby that oscillates like a broken grandfather clock."

Libra (September 23-October 22)

The astrological powers-that-be are taking a parental interest in you. I can tell they want to nurture you through the challenges that lie ahead. They’ve been cooing and whispering motherly things like, "I believe in you," "To me you’re a winner," "I am so glad that God chose me to be your mommy," and "That makes my heart happy." They’ve also been drinking and yelling fatherly things like, "If I want any more shit from you, I’ll squeeze your head," "Your real father is the milkman," and "If it weren’t for your mother, I would have drowned you in the river a long time ago."

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Old sex drive isn’t quite what it used to be, eh Scorpio? Well, I hear that bathing in the buttermilk of a she-buffalo is a pretty good aphrodisiac, and I can also heartily recommend adding the following to your menu: the flesh of a lizard, waxy secretions from the intestines of a sperm whale, the right testicle of a donkey, anchovies, dove brains, bean soup, a powder made from a dried frog, the blood of eighty peasant girls who have been strangled to death, and grape

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I’ve seen the sneak previews of the next phase of your life, and the reviews are in:

1) El cheapo.
2) Ultrasleazy and disturbing.
3) Frequently very funny.
4) The wait isn’t worth it.
5) The denouement full of melting faces and exploding heads is rousing indeed.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

You, Sagittarius, are a survivor. The emotional blisters and scabs of the past have almost completely healed. The spiritual cuts, scrapes, bruises, and swelling of the present aren’t slowing you down at all. And the financial fractured ribs and penetrating chest wounds of the future? Thanks to your chronic moral intraventricular hemorrhage, you’ll be in fine shape to meet these challenges.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

You’ve been a bit puzzled why the Virgin Mary hasn’t answered your prayers, Pisces. Well, I wouldn’t answer your prayers either if you changed the words to: "Hail mammy-jammer, full of gimp, the lowlife is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst wormdicks, and blessed is the fart-head of thy wankstain, jerkwad. Holy mammy-jammer, mother-humper of gagger, pray for us shitkickers now and at the half-ass of our dorko.

Amen."