F

Ben Ohmart

Ben Ohmart, who can be reached at findline@aol.com, sent these strange dialogues.

if. you. want it.

Do you remember what we were talking about the other day?

I remember we were talking about the fall, and how the wings of the birds are changing, if you can look at them, because of the temperature of the air, but that not many people get to look around, or maybe not good enough eyesight.

No..... We were talking about how you can't commit to anything. At least that's what you say.

Then it must be true.

What I want to do today is: you read a mystery play from start to finish. You start with act one, and I want to see -

You're going to Charge me, for sitting here, and reading a mystery play.

That's why I picked a play, because a novel would take too long, and I won't even start my timer until you finish the book.

I think that's fair.

I want to see if you can Want it enough to find out who the murderer is. Call it a practice shot. And it doesn't cost anything, to you, to the woman. Here.

I hope it's good.

It's not suspense, it's a real mystery with a real crime. You don't know who did it, it's called Sleuth. I want you to start at the first act. I want you to read. I want you to read the whole thing like it's Important. Maybe it will be important to you. I'm going to the bathroom.

But -

Come on, I've cleared my whole afternoon for you, I hope you're literate. I've really got cramps.

(Sits to read. Two hours later.)

How do you feel?

Where are you?

I'm right here.

What twist in the play have you come to? Is it engrossing? Do you find it engrossing to the point of no return, or at least, can something synthetic stimulate you? Do you Need flesh?

I haven't finished the first act yet. I guess it's good.

What are you talking about? Finish the damn book!

I don't like to read, okay? This is stupid! You're stupid! I tell you what my problem is, you give me this kind of academic solution. What am I supposed to do with this? Every time a girl or a woman leaves and cites me with contempt, pulls out the reason, what am I gonna do? Sit and read to her? Wake up, asshole!

II.

Have you ever seen a dog stop in the middle of something, bend an ear, because you make a certain high-pitched noise in at least two octaves?

I'm talking about novelty, Mr. Oh-art, that certain something that can keep a generation around when it Should be looking for its own revolution. A way of handling the present which is of tself, and the newest is in something tried before, but at a Different time, for a Different audience.

Say that again.

I'm talking about novelty, Mr. Oh-art, that certain something that can keep a generation around when it Should be looking for its own revolution. A way of handling the present which is of itself, and the newest is in something tried before, but at a Different time, for a Different audience.

So. My woman leaves me. The next one leaves, for faults of my own. I should stand by the front door, on the cold, hard wood floor, read to her, trick her into staying like that.

Now you've got it.

III.

Shirley President's Day

Hi.

You going to eat that?

What?

Mmm.... I love these things. I know they fry them in grease but

Peanut oil.

What?

It's peanut oil. I used to work here.

Why aren't you working here fella?

Hmm. You're beautiful. Yeah. Want to go out?

We're out.

Then to a different place. I don't like being here.

Why are you here?

This guy thinks I still works here. Like I'm on a different shift, at night, so I still get the employee discount.

Oh, this'll be fun. Where do we go? The park? The parking lot?

Hey, I'm saving for college!

What are you figuring to do with yourself? I want to be a computer analyst. I want to sit on my ass all day, I want to tell people how to figure things, I know Nothing about computers.

You should save too. I know, I sound like an idiot. But I didn't get Any good grades in high school. I had No offers, you have to do it all yourself.

Come on.

Where?

You said you hated it here. I know a great place in the mall. But it's not in the food court? So you sit there mostly to yourself until about 4 o'clock? People find it. Come on.

Wait. Before we go I mean, this goes any further. Do you think I'm attractive?

Okay. I'm going to say it straight. I pay more attention to the stop signs, and I don't stop. You know? Traffic lights. That's where you get caught.

Okay...

Okay, listen. You have a nice face. I mean, it has the nose and the eyes, and you get extra for your money, you got glasses. I like the way you part your hair. But I'm cute. I have life? I've been told, and I'm tired of these non-descripts hitting on me like they're training for pay-per-view.

They hit you?

No, I'm talking okay, a pretty face. I can't describe it. But you. I don't look at you. But when I Look at you I see you, you're there. I know there's something I can look at, I'm interested in it. I don't talk to men. Or boys. They talk to me. That's how I get In every situation. Not that I'm in trouble. Not that trouble means you know. I'm still a virgin. Do you like that?

Why ask me?

I don't know. I'm just trying to explain. Explain. Like. I went with this man? You know? He was engaged and his wife was reporting on a Cowboys' game in California, she did after the game things. He said he loved me. He was great looking and plain to look at. I believed in some of the things he said. He bought me chip cookies with the cream in them.

Would you like a glass of water?

IV.

Who baked this roll?

I have been writing more now than I Ever had before. I see the images and the people, the desire and the destroying beyond their lifelines, and my fingers can't go on long enough to put them all down. I am on fire ice. I'm between. And I want to circle and circle until it's okay to land.

What do you want from me?

I need 5 thousand dollars.

You're kidding.

I am Not kissing your ass, I am not kidding you. I'm naked here.

What do you need

This is the way it is. My power company thinks it owns me. Now to make up for this indiscretion because notice I haven't said I've been Selling more, just that it's going a lot easier

Yeah.

So anyway, I keep sending them poems and sometimes a one-page story on typing paper, to the power. Once I got a threatening letter.

But what can they do beyond what they're promising.

Exactly.

They take away your power, they really Do. Who writes on manual typewriters with ink and shit anymore?

Right.

I don't have five thousand dollars. The only thing I can think is try turning a light off once in a while.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, my own never goes much above maybe, 80 bucks. That's in the dead of summer, when I'm dripping.

I don't know how to work all these light switches.

What are you saying?

What are You saying?

All I'm saying is maybe you should try turning the ceiling fan off and closing the freezer, and the ice box. I've been to your place, guy.

Do you think that'll help?

Well, it might start reducing it by a couple thousand dollars. How's your screenplay coming?

My mouse ate it. I clicked and dragged the wrong thing. I don't have it anymore.

Tough shit. What about that play?

Two girls, 17, for parts said they'd sleep with me if I could ever get it up. That's about as far as I've gotten. I'm writing poetry now. I sent 34 pgs to this one zine. I'm waiting to hear. They don't pay. But they promised me a copy if they accept.

That's good.

Yeah.

How big's the zine?

Couple pages.

A Clarinetist and a god Meet

Sometimes, man the sun is out before I know I've been away. I play the formula. You see, I play the chords I've been given, but within that structure,I can do anything I want.

That could facilitate chaos. In your mind, you think you're doing right, but because you're following orders, you can't be bothered with responsibility.

That's jazz, man. Get fired otherwise. Otherwise, you go hear pop or Queen, something really Tight, or classical that has weeks of preparation, or Yes. You figure there is jazz there, but Yes practices, man.

Do you want to get a drink?

I don't drink in the daytime, baby. But I'll sit with you.

Thanks. The other day, this woman was talking to me. She expected me to cure her cancer. Of the foot. I didn't know you could get it of the foot.

Oh, yeah. That's why they call it cancer. You can see it go into anything, it's like when people call anything Kinko's. You know there are other copy places, but it's what you see around, all the time. You plug into that for them. You have to make them understand.

Yeah. You don't think she Has cancer?

She should know. Hey, I Am thirsty.

I'll get it. I didn't know what to say. She was so sure. Sure of me. I saw logic. Then I saw me.The two of us just aren't anywhere close together. She should give all her money away to research. Bold newdevelopments. Instruct a kid just starting out in college, in the chemistry profession. You never know. Without her encouragement, he not might've been the one to find the answer.

You keep saying he.

Ha, long habit.

Did you tell her all this?

What?

Did you give a formula? You can't say it works. But it can't hurt. Unless she has, like, a sister with one leg, or has 22 kids so that Doing this cancels her legacy, so she's spending all her will to keep alive and damning the kids. Or she's poor.

I never talk back.

That's good. That's good. You can't talk to a woman. They don't know what's good, why you are bad. You see, men are the scum, and the women are the pool cleaners. What can a pool cleaner do? I don't know. But they need to try to get out, get away from us. Have some fun. I have no respect for people stupid enough to stay around scum.

You don't respect yourself. Hey, you! Another one..

Coming in here today, I could feel my eyesight go down. One notch. I'm serious. It was a like a click in your head? Only this isn't sound, this is sight, and I knew that soon my glasses are going to get thicker. Just that one moment.

That was the Very moment I knew my sight had deteriorated.

I'm going to Rome in two days, why don't you come. I know some people that like good music. Do you sight read? You could play melodies as they're written. Maybe $100,000?

Money's not important to me.

Now there you're stupid. It has to be. You have to build a house, you have to put things In it.

I was just kiddin', man.

You want to come? Robert Stevenson is going to be there. Louis. Robert Louis Stevenson.

He's dead, isn't he?

Oh. You want to live?