Sal Salasin

Well,

that was interesting, although

I'm not under oath.

Famous Last Words:

"Hey! Why do you want me in front?"

"Darling,"

I would say,

"You look like the kind of person who

wouldn't press charges."

Whereas now, spacemen go about gathering

words like "melancholy"

and put them in sacks.

And then they find you dead in

the bathroom.

Sleepers in Seattle.

He died in a police shootout of

natural causes.

If organized crime is wrong

I don't want to be right.

We used to play games together.

"Let's role play," she'd say.

"OK," I'd say, "Who do you

want me to be?"

"Anyone but you," she said.

This was before that trouble over

some stickups the folks in

the witness protection program thought

I did but I didn't.

Then I went to Penn State for three years,

wait, no, it

was State Pen.

So here we are, all awash and

our naughty parts engorged and tingly.

I wear a little bracelet that asks me,

"What would Noam Chomsky do?"

Gee I'd really love to want to help you.

Like that Russian babe, Anesthesia, or

the infamous Margarine Riots of '74.

And when we get back,

A surprising event in the Philippines.

Let's hinder someone's global proposals

for peace and

sap their will to negotiate.

New Year's Resolutions:

Stop drinking

Stop smoking

Stop having sex for money.

I don't know if it's the whiskey talking or

what but your facial hair doesn't bother me

nearly as much as it did an hour ago.

So I said to her,

"You look like a woman of superior breeding,

would you like to do some?"

That was back when Susan roamed the earth

with her short front legs and

powerful jaws.

But I got a good feeling about this time,

I really do.

Rush Limbaugh's explanation of

why cigarettes don't cause cancer:

only a quarter of all cigarette smokers

die of cancer. What about the other

three quarters?

Why did I leave my last job?

They called Security.

I met her at a Ten-in-One

with pickled pucks.

Somewhere on the short step from

stanza to seepage.

Who says you can't cook with cadmium?

That's how I was raised and

it never affected me.

I look forward to Alzheimers

so I can forget I ever met you.

"Hey," I told her,

"I'm not married in this country."

But I got a good feeling

about this time, I

really do.

Hello, Death,

Kiss my ass.

Kids! Don't Take Drugs!

There aren't enough to go around

as it is!

Hey, I said,

You look like a woman of superior breeding.

Would you like to do some with me?

I used to play second base for

the California Penal League.

I know what women really want.

A lot of attention.

Sometimes they call it stalking but

that's just to fool you.

Like those restraining orders.

Celine Dion must be stopped!

I'm listening to Rush Limbaugh telling me

what Senator Bob Kerry, who lost a leg,

thought in a firefight 32 years ago

and thinking, "This is the guy who got out of the draft

for a boil on his ass."

Kerry publicly opposed

the war on his return, medals and all, while

Rush tried to break into radio.

So you tell me.

Looks like we have a real slow drive on I-5

with backups all the way back to the Lake Washington

Shipping Canal.

It's raining in Seattle.

I ate his brain

on a raison bagel

with a bottle of Sunny-Dee.

Darling,

I don't know if it's the whiskey talking or

what but your facial hair doesn't bother me

nearly as much as it did about an hour ago.

Let's hinder someone's proposals

for global peace and sap their will to negotiate.

Who says you can't cook with cadmium?

This was during the Tax Revolt of Ought-

One when thousands went to bed at night

not knowing if the deck would be ready for

the June regatta or where

the next moorage fees would come.

I was sitting at my desk wondering why

people were writing songs of love,

but not for me.

In fact, the hole in her mouth was

no longer large enough to

encompass the torrent of abuse.

Anyway,

that's how I was raised and

it never affected me.

"Try to understand,"

she said.

"You're a man,

I'm a woman.

We're just too different."

New Year's resolutions:

Stop drinking,

Stop smoking,

Stop having sex for money.

Anyway, that's how I was raised

and it never affected me.

Famous Last Words:

"Hey Guys,

Watch this!"

Whereas now,

spacemen are going about gathering

words like "melancholy" and

putting them in sacks.

Hi. I'm Marisa Varga for

Endall.

I used to hang around airports

asking if I could search people's bags

for drugs.

It was a good way to get cheap drugs.

I thought of having a family but

I've never seen any I liked.

It's like those moments just before a

car crash. Someone tells you

"You have no idea what's going to hit you,"

and they're always right.

Well, that was interesting though

I'm not under oath.

The eyes blink,

the lips move,

but the brain, like Elvis,

has left the building.

So he spends the first 15 minutes attempting to prove an Iraqi connection

to the anthrax, which connection "is becoming increasingly clear."

Despite the fact it looks a lot like a 73-year-old cracker living alone in

his trailer someplace, uh, South and listening to Rush on a regular basis.

Then he slagged some "infobabe" on ABC for mistakenly telling her peers

Cokie Roberts had received a suspect letter from Trenton. She's been

suspended by ABC, Rush approving reports. He also carried on about ABC's

News Prez (What is it with ABC these days? They're upstanding capitalist

organs) who had "no opinion" to a student's question whether the Pentagon

was a "legitimate target" or not. He should have clicked his heels,

snapped his right arm up, palm down, and said, "I will give my life and

the life of my corporation for the Little Colonel, whether he lead us

against evildoers in Afghanistan, Iraq, or Berkley." Well, that last is

really me, but nothing less would have satisfied Rush.

This from the a guy who broadcast for three hours nationally that Hillary

Clinton had murdered Vince Foster in her Georgetown apartment and had the

body moved by the Secret Service to a park someplace.

Every experience is to some extent regrettable, although

I am enjoying myself. Yes,

the mind is a terrible thing.

Yesterday our beloved president announced that

"All missions are being conducted according to

plan on the military front." Period. And I have lived long to

recognize that pattern of voice which somehow always innocently

precedes great disaster.

The glorious victories of the Russian army in 1914.

"Why did two separate cultures, thousands of

miles apart, both invent pyramids? And

Did it have anything to do with Atlantis?"

No.

She went to Vassar,

I went to driving school.

So there we were, our

naughty parts all engorged and

tingly. Questions

I never want to answer,

#14:

"Is that plutonium on your gums?"

It's Saturday afternoon.

Sal and Harriet are listening to

"Workers and the Challenge of Globalization"

on the radio.

You know you have a drinking problem when

the bartender knows your name and

you've never been there before.

Sal Salasin