Mike Topp

It's all pretty classic/chronic Mike Topp who lives and works in a

large Eastern metropolis. He can be reached at mike_topp@

hotmail.com. Life is strange.

APOLOGY

Dear Burger King Patrons,

I am sorry that I tried to shoot you. It was something that no one will ever

understand that made me do it, and not anything personal.

Sincerely,

Alan Postman

DINOSAURS

If dinosaurs were around today, they would probably be amazed at how many

dinosaur movies there are, and angry that they hadn’t thought of making any.

GEORGE W. BUSH PISSING OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE

SHAPE OF DESK DOESN’T MATTER

Locking yourself in your school locker for five days attracts more attention

than getting straight A’s.

CRAB FARMER

When my girlfriend found out she had crabs, she got really mad. But I was

happy, because I wouldn’t have to go all the way to the whorehouse now to

get crabs for my crab farm.

GOOD LUCK

I don’t think you’ll die today.

HARPO SPEAKS

"Fucking Groucho."

"Eat me."

SOUNDS TRAVEL

Why did people in early times "keep an ear to the ground"? Well, when you

scratch your ear, which feels better, your finger or your ear? You get my

point.

LATER THAT SAME DAY

At first he seemed a victim when his wife deserted him and his daughter. But

later out I found out his wife had left town to go to the battered women’s

shelter.

ballo n

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Vogue 30-1 60-1

2 Bazaar 6-1 12-1

3 Elle 20-1 15-1

4 Mirabella 5-1 5-1

5 Self 8-5 5-2

6 Women's Fitness 20-1 8-1

7 W 15-1 6-1

8 Vanity Fair 9-2 5-1

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Calvin Klein 20-1 30-1

2 Estee Lauder 12-1 6-1

3 DKNY 30-1 42-1

4 Tommy Hilfiger 50-1 37-1

5 Dior 10-1 3-2

6 Gucci 8-1 5-1

7 Ralph Lauren 3-5 8-1

8 Prada 3-1 2-1

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Arsoli 8-1 16-1

2 Muff 16-1 4-1

3 Twatt 8-3 8-1

4 Dildo 5-1 10-1

5 Climax 4-1 7-2

6 Lickey End 26-2 30-1

7 Shafter 28-1 23-1

8 Lord Heresford’s Knob 3-1 2-1

9 Seymen 45-1 44-1

10 Shag Island 17-1 6-1

11 Sexmoan 5-2 12-1

12 Wet Beaver Creek 18-1 25-1

13 Wankie 30-1 40-1

14 Brown Willie 60-1 75-1

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Madrid 11-1 9-1

2 New York 7-1 7-1

3 Tokyo 4-1 2-1

4 London 5-1 3-1

5 Paris 15-1 5-2

6 Venice 9-1 12-1

7 Bangkok 5-2 15-1

8 Hong Kong 18-1 4-1

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Kid Rock 15-1 20-1

2 Everclear 6-1 5-1

3 The Offspring 9-1 8-1

4 Wu-Tang Clan 2-1 2-1

5 Guster 12-1 5-2

6 Metallica 7-2 10-1

7 Korn 15-1 30-1

8 Limp Bizkit 7-1 4-1

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Cuervo Gold 8-1 4-1

2 Remy Martin 6-1 9-1

3 Absolut 7-1 6-1

4 Cutty Sark 2-1 2-1

5 Dewar’s 12-1 9-2

6 Jack Daniels 6-2 10-1

7 Bacardi 19-1 60-1

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Rose 9-1 8-1

2 Lily 6-1 7-1

3 Tulip 9-1 3-1

4 Daffodil 2-1 9-1

5 Myrtle 12-1 5-2

6 Violet 6-2 13-1

7 Pansy 10-1 16-1

8 Carnation 7-1 18-1

9 Morning Glory 8-1 9-2

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Winston 10-1 20-1

2 Gitanes 6-1 9-1

3 Marlboro 9-1 7-1

4 Lucky Strike 2-1 2-1

5 Merry Long 12-1 9-2

6 Newport 6-2 10-1

7 Dunhill 10-1 15-1

8 Camel 6-1 4-1

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Trix 4-1 8-1

2 Count Chocula 6-1 9-1

3 Lucky Charms 9-1 7-1

4 Rice Krispies 2-1 2-1

5 Frosted Flakes 12-1 9-2

6 Oreo O’s 6-2 10-1

7 Kashi 10-1 15-1

8 Chex 6-1 4-1

9 Raisin Bran 6-1 9-2

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Red Pepper 10-1 20-1

2 Zucchini 3-1 8-1

3 Turnip 6-1 7-1

4 Celery 5-1 2-1

5 Mushroom 9-1 9-2

6 Endive 3-2 10-1

7 Onion 20-1 15-1

8 Potato 8-1 4-1

9 Tomato 2-1 9-2

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Patrol Officer 5-1 10-1

2 Construction Worker 6-1 9-1

3 Biker 9-1 7-1

4 Cherokee Nation Chief 2-1 2-1

5 Seaman 12-1 9-2

6 Rodeo Cowboy 6-1 2-1

Post Horse Opening Odds Current Odds

1 Corn 4-1 3-1

2 Carrots 3-1 4-1

3 Cabbage 2-1 5-1

4 Crabs 7-2 2-1

THE OLD SCHOOLHOUSE

Down in the valley, where the distant, faintly vengeful bleating of goats

can still be heard, stands the little red schoolhouse. I went to school

there, as did my parents before me. Not long ago, during a vacation from the

Schaumburg Embroidery Museum, I went back to visit it, and found no changes.

I remembered the swing under the cherry tree and how a girl's arm was broken

when she slipped and fell. I remembered just how it happened. And I

remembered how I was dismissed that day because I didn't clean up after my

dog. Poor old Brownie!

I even looked down into the cellar--that famous cellar where we tied up

Schuyler Bolt and then forgot to untie him until the next school year. What

trouble we got into that time!

I walked around the playground, where we had drank punch--a concoction of

grappa and various sticky vermouths, ornamented with an unidentified herb.

("Edelweiss," Dad suggested.) I found the place where we had cut our

names--in the bark of the antediluvian oak trees, on the great grinning

benches, and on the posts. We had cut hearts around the names, and arrows

through the hearts. This was an old-fashioned way of sending a valentine.

Many of those boys and girls are married or divorced now and may be sending

their children to this very school.

AIRPLANE

If you ever jump out of a plane, and your parachute doesn’t open, don’t

worry. Worry won’t get you anywhere.

RENT

My landlord was bothering me about the rent. He said he was coming over. As

he rang the doorbell, thousands upon thousands of black flies carrying elves

flew out and settled upon him. He hit at the flies and tried to kill them,

but the flies flew in great waves around him. Finally he turned and left. My

landlord later told me he thought I was crazy, but then, he had some growing

up to do.

THE ODD NEIGHBOR

Basically, there are three ways my neighbor and I are alike. The first is we

both like to repeat what other people say. The second is we both like seeds

a lot. The third is a beak.

SLEEPWALKER

If you ever see somebody sleepwalking, don’t wake them up, like a lot of

people do. Instead, that’s a good time to look through their stuff, because

I bet you’d be really surprised.

If you were a space alien, you know what would be the one thing that would

really make you mad? Cookbooks written in French. How the heck are you

supposed to read them?

PERSONAL FASHION MISTAKES

1. Feather earring (1978)

2. Beret (1979)

3. Paper shirt (1981)

4. Green suede "Robin Hood" boots (1983)

5. Really skinny black belt (1985)

6. "Dress" black leather jacket (1989)

7. Stovepipe jeans (1990)

8. Flattop (1993)

9. Goatee (1997)

10. Feather earring (2000)

LIKE SAND...

Like sand in an hourglass, the loose granular material ran into the bottom

of the coffeemaker-shaped timepiece.

CURIOUS

To be curious about the greater world of the stars and planets is natural,

but trust me, why bother?

FOUND

One day I found a pea the size of a golf ball. The next day I found a golf

ball the size of a pea.

LAUGHTER

Laughter, according to Reader’s Digest, is "the best medicine."

VALUES

Spend time taking stock of yourself and the values by which you live. Then

give me all your money.

MEDITATION

Meditation is about more than sitting at home in a dirty diaper.

JUNGLE LIFE

Tigers in the jungle are a very great danger to the natives who live near

by, but I don’t give them a second thought.

BRINGING THE NEWS

The old man was asleep when I reached his cabin in the woods with the

letter. Then I realized that what I had taken for the old man was really

just a half-opened cardboard box that contained some Styrofoam peanuts and a

color TV.

INCEST

I think incest is wrong, because my relatives are ugly.

AS IT TURNS OUT

As it turns out they have relaxed the restrictions and I think your son

should reapply. Make sure he wears protective clothing since he will most

likely appear before one with a bird head, one with a rat head, and one with

the head of a snake.

DIARY DATES

Feb. 4 Children’s Liturgy

Feb. 11 Grain of Truth Sunday

Feb. 11 Prayers for Polar Icecap

Feb. 18 "Mess of Messiahs" at St. Mark’s Church

Feb. 18 "Is the Pope Catholic?" Day Study

Feb. 25 Prayer Vigil for Plastic Bag Stuck in Next-Door Neighbor’s Tree

March 4 Kraft Singles Meeting

March 11 Pilgrimage to Clam Shack in Marina Parking Lot

March 18 The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe (en

español)

March 18 "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" Symposium

March 25 Pilgrimage to Hobby Shop to Find Phenolphtalein for Changing Water

to "Wine"

April 1 Jewzapallooza

April 8 Prayer Vigil for Wee Tiny Man Brushing His Hair With a Toothbrush

April 15 Ecumenical Event in the Alley at the Back of the Chinese Restaurant

April 22 Tractor Pull Event

April 28 Bring the Grandparents Day

Entries for the next issue should be submitted to editor David Shrigley by

April 15.

METROPOLITAN DIARY

by Bobby Kelly & Mike Topp

Fountain of Youth

I was sitting on the number 7 crosstown bus when the older gentleman in

front of me began to vibrate. I knew what that meant, but before I could get

out of the way, sure enough, he exploded. Bits of flesh flew everywhere and

the blood ruined the bag of feces I was carrying (a memento of my nephew's

first communion). I looked across the aisle at a stylish twenty-something

blonde who had chunks of organ meat all over her obviously expensive dress.

"Old people!" she laughed, as she twisted her body to spray me with a stream

of warm urine.

Mike Topp