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whew !!!

IN THIS ISSUE

• Bruce Galway´s post shows how far medicine has advanced
• Gerrit de Leeuw says we are right to be worried about privacy
• Consider the salmon, making so much effort for posterity
• Jay answers a question about Winnie the Pooh
• Mike Quigley posts the things we learn about computers from movies
• Keith Elliott´s story is about priorities
• Jack Peaker suggests still more websites

Speaking of alternate medicine, this post from Bruce Galway illustrates some of the early uses of herbs:

THAT OLD TIME MEDICINE

In an interview, one of the old Confederate surgeons said: "During the early part of the war, I was placed in charge of a railroad hospital in a small town where it was difficult to obtain medicine at almost any cost, and as I had my little hospital crowded nearly all the time, both with employees of the road and wounded and sick soldiers, afflicted with various diseases and all kinds of wounds and injuries, and being also engaged in general practice, it naturally followed that my mind was severely taxed in order to supply the remedies and substitutes to meet the demands of such varied practice.

"I perused my dispensary and called into requisition an old botanic practice which had been handed down as a relic of the past, but from which I confess to have received valuable aid and very many useful hints in regard to the medical virtues of our native plants.

"I give you the following facts from a record I kept of the patients treated, and the remedies I used, and the principal substances I resorted to:

"Of that large class of medicines, so useful in surgery and so much in demand in war times, called antiseptics, most of them, I may say, have been discovered and appropriated to surgical use since our war. In fact, I had but little else at my command except the cold-water dressing for wounds. From experiment I learned to improve on the plain old method, as I think, by employing a decoction of red-oak bark added to the water, which acted as a disinfectant, and by its stimulating and astringent properties promoted the healing process.

"I also used a weak solution of bicarbonate of soda, which I found beneficial in the suppurative stages. When emollients were indicated, I used slippery elm and wahoo root bark, and solution of common salt often helped. In case of great pain I employed poppy heads, nightshade and stramonium.

"I had a number of cases of intermittent fever. I would give strong boneset tea, warm, until free vomiting was produced, and as a substitute for quinine I used, during the intermission, butterfly root or pleurisy root tea, which would nearly always shorten the febrile stage.

"Romittent or bilious fevers were treated much the same way, except that I invariably gave good doses of mandrake tea in the febrile stage. Virginia snake-root, yellow root, or Sampson´s snake-root acted nearly as well, but I preferred the other. If I could have obtained blue mass or calomel I would have begun treatment with that, but none were to be had.

"Mayapple root or peach-tree leaves made into a strong tea and drunk warm would act on the bowels as certainly as senna; but with children where too much tea is not desirable, I often gave beeps feet oil, hog´s feet oil, or even lard heated with syrup.

"In cases of pneumonia, pleurisy, catarrhal fevers, etc., I made local applications of mustard seed or leaves, stramonium leaves, hickory leaves, pepper, etc., warm, and gave alternately butterfly-root and sanguinaria, and continued to slightly nauseating, from day to day (no need of anything else). The two last-named remedies took the place of Dover´s powder, quinine and all other diaphoretics, febrifuges end arterial sedatives.

"Phytalacca or poke was another favourite remedy - the tincture when alcohol or whisky could be obtained; otherwise, tea of roots or berries. I used it in all cases of chronic rheumatism or neuralgia, enlarged glands, scrofula, syphilis, and all cases requiring alternatives, often combined with American sarsaparilla root, sassafras, alder and prickly ash.

"Female complaints gave me some trouble, but I soon learned the use of the black haw, squaw-weed, partridge berry, etc. I had been taught in the use of old text-books that opiates in large doses would control some cases of threatened abortion, when the patient had not lost too much from hemorrhage. I found that the black haw root tea would absolutely stop this tendency, not only in cases where there was but little hemorrhage, but where large quantities had passed, and would relieve the most severe cases of dysmenorrhoa, especially when combined with squaw-weed, partridge berry or red shank.

"In stomach and bowel diseases I found but little difficulty in obtaining plenty of substitutes for opiates, astringents and the like; in fact, I believe that an all-wise Providence has especially provided the best antidotes in creation on the hills and dales, and by the vales and streams of our own Southland. In ordinary looseness of the bowels or diarrhoa, I gave an infusion of raspberry leaves or whortleberry leaves (both of which act finely on the kidneys and bladder). Where there was nausea or sick stomach, a handful of peach leaves steeped in water and drunk will settle it, or what is perhaps better, the kernel of two or three seeds cracked and cold water drunk off of them. If stronger astringent is necessary, the inner bark of red oak, blackberry or dewberry root tea, or red shank root, are sure remedies.

"Agrimony tea, and, as a last resort, the nut-gall or ink-ball made into what, from its colour, I called black wash (made by squeezing the juice out and adding a little copperas) . This black wash is not only a splendid ink, but is a destroyer of syphilitic sores, warts, corns, ringworm, and old ulcers and excrescences of nearly every kind, much superior to lime water and calomel. Weakened properly, it is good in obstinate bowel diseases, and can be used as an injection in gonorrhoea, gleet, etc.

"Silk weed root put in whiskey and drunk, giving at the same time pills of rosin from the pine tree, with very small pieces of blue vitriol, will cure obstinate cases of gonorrhoea, and is a substitute for copaiba, cubebs, etc.

"I raised lobelia from the seed, and found it to be a reliable emetic, useful in cough medicines, croup and asthma. I have relieved asthma with lobelia, and by smoking stramonium leaves. We, of course, used turpentine as an adjunct in all cases where indicated, which is the case in very many diseases, and in many a positive curative agent.

"Onions and garlic were used as poultices in nearly all glandular enlargements, as are also poke-root, celery, pepper, parsley, sage, thyme, rue and other garden products. Many of the latter were used for the diseases of women and children.

"White sumac, red elm, prickly ash, and poke, will in connection with my black wash, cure recent cases of syphilis. It will also cure many cases of chronic rheumatism. Peach-tree leaves and Sampson´s snake-root will cure most cases of incipient dyspepsia. Gargle made of sage and honey will cure most cases of sore throat, tonsillitis, etc.

"For infants, calamus, catnip and soot teas are better than soothing syrups with opiates."

Gerrit de Leeuw writes: This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in 2008 that we´re not sure how funny this really is...

ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I´d like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it´s 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. E-mail address issheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I´m at home. Where´d you get all this information?

Operator: We´re wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We´re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I´d like to order a couple of your all-meat special pizzas.

Operator: I don´t think that´s a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you´ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won´t allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat soybean pizza. I´m sure you´ll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I´d like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out ´Gourmet Soybean Recipes´ from your local library last week, sir. That´s why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your two dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I´m sorry sir, but I´m afraid you´ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I´ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won´t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I´ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We´re running a little behind, sir. It´ll be about 45 minutes. If you´re in a hurry you might want to pick´em up while you´re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you´re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo´ed. But your Harley´s paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I´ll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I´d advise watching your language, sir. You´ve already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90-day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I´m sorry sir, but our ad´s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

I borrowed this from The Town Crier, the newsletter for the George Derby Centre for veterans where I volunteer:

THE SALMON

I hesitate to be unkind,
But the salmon has a one-track mind. Once every season,
Full of fire,
He swims upstream, higher and higher;<\p>

Up rocks and rills,
Up streams and hills,
Up high cascades And glassy glades;<\p>

Through canyons steep,
Through waters deep,
Up stones and rocks,
Up dams and locks;<\p>

>From day to night,
From dark to light,
Until at last on one bright dawn,
He gets there just in time to spawn.<\p>

Now having done his salmon duty,
And having wooed his salmon cutie,
And weary from the trip uptown,
In quiet waters he will drown,<\p>

Pondering with his dying bubble,
Just why is sex so darn much trouble!<\p>

ED. NOTE: Alas, poor fish, the salmon goes through all that hardship and does his bit to perpetuate the race but never knows the joy of sex.

Jay´s contribution this week asks

WAS WINNIE-THE-POOH A BOY OR A GIRL?

When we were very young, we might have innocently asked this question about the beloved character engendered by author A. A. Milne. With the loss of innocence, the question becomes even more interesting.

Even Christopher Robin took "Winnie" to be a girl´s name, although the context of the story suggests he´s a boy. Early in Winnie-the-Pooh, Milne acknowledges this confusion, declares that Pooh is a male, but gives no reasonable explanation of why he´s "Winnie."

But there is an explanation outside the book. The real bear that inspired the character was a female. She was a World War I Canadian army mascot named "Winnipeg", "Winnie" for short. She ended up in a London zoo, where Milne´s son - the real Christopher Robin - took a shine to her. He even renamed his Teddy Bear, formerly "Edward," "Winnie," inspiring his father´s stories.

Pooh pooh that all you want; it´s the truth.

Mike Quigley posted this in a local MindLink group some years ago, but little has changed in the meantime:

WHAT WE LEARN ABOUT COMPUTERS FROM THE MOVIES

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display two-inch-high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

5. Those that don´t will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain´s desktop computer, even if it´s turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn´t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. (see #7, above)

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it´ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren´t labeled.

20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP. 22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

Keith Elliott forwards this story:

THE MISTRESS

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, and gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she´ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she´s my mistress."

"Well, that´s the last straw," says the wife. "I´ve had enough ... I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband. "But remember according to the prenups, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Acura nor Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who´s that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That´s his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is definitely more beautiful," she replies.

* * *

Jack Peaker suggests these

INTERESTING WEBSITES

UK Genealogy and photos: http://rmhh.co.uk/gendocs.html

bugs: http://www.bugguide.net/

Web Cams: Hawaii, etc.: http://snipurl.com/ctu3

MS Word tips: http://www.word-answers.com/

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."