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IN THIS ISSUE

• Barbara Wear forwards an article about an dedicated teenager
• The scooter article brought a number of responses from readers
• Gerrit de Leeuw sends a warning about experimenting with tasers
• Bruce Galway tells of one of the problems confronting seniors
• Rafiki sends an account of an unusual phone situation
• Jack Peaker suggests this site for an amazing dog story

Barbara Wear forwarded this article by Cate Lecuyer from the Salem News about one of the professors at Endicott College and her son:

TEEN RAISES CASH AND HOPES FOR OPERATION SMILE

"I went right to the operating room as soon as I was born," said Brian Ake, who had a severe cleft lip and was missing both sides of his palate.

"From the tip of his nose to the lower lip was basically a hole," his mother, Margaret, said. Starting when he was 30 days old, doctors repaired his face in a series of steps. By the time he was three months old, the hole was basically connected, but he would undergo other minor procedures throughout his life.

From a medical standpoint, the surgery helped him breathe and eat; from a social standpoint, it prevented him from starting life as an outcast.

Ake wants to give others a similar opportunity. On March 10, he and his mother travelled to Cambodia with a group of volunteer doctors through Operation Smile, a non-profit agency that sends medical teams around the world to repair facial deformities in children and some adults and helps educate people about proper hygiene and health.

Cleft lips are often genetic but can also result if a mother is sick during the early stages of pregnancy. About one in 800 babies is born with a cleft lip in developed countries like the United States, and about one in 500 in undeveloped countries, said Lisa Jones, public relations co-ordinator for Operation Smile.

"We´re lucky in this country to have access to good health care," she said. "Many cases go untreated in other parts of the world."

"I couldn´t imagine what these kids go through," Ake said. "A lot of them are abandoned by their families and put into orphanages."

He hoped to raise $24,000, enough to help 100 kids - and is creating a video documentary for his senior internship at Masconoment Regional High School.

"I started thinking about this last summer when I was lying around thinking I needed to do an internship," Ake said. He didn´t want to get stuck bagging groceries and writing a paper about it.

"I wanted to do something exciting and fun," he said. So far, he´s raised $18,600. Donations have poured in from the campaign website he created through Operation Smile, an online Facebook group he created, and friends from a golf course on Cape Cod where he is a member.

The final hurrah was a fashion show on March 5 at Endicott College with an "Old Fashioned Hollywood" theme. More than 50 students, faculty, and staff modelled outfits from classic movies like "Casablanca" and "Grease". Ake´s mother, who´s an Endicott professor and faculty advisor to Delta Epsilon Chi (DEX), which is sponsoring the show, sported black leather pants, red heels, and a big blond wig as she strutted down the runway as Sandy.

Ake stood in front of between 400-500 people and made a presentation about Operation Smile.

It wasn´t until Ake started working on this project that he began to open up about his own cleft lip. "We´re in a country that wants to be perfect," he said. "When someone isn´t, you have that in the back of your mind. You´re not like other kids."

But working with Operation Smile introduced him to other kids with cleft lips and he found he wanted to help those less fortunate than himself. "I just want to give back to make their lives better," he said.

P.S. DEX raised over $4,000 to donate to Operation Smile.

Ed. Note: To read a blog about their trip to Cambodia, go to the following site and start at the bottom, because the first entry is there:

http://akesincambodia.blogspot.com/

CORRESPONDENCE

My story about my new scooter prompted readers to write:

Bill McNair: I went through the same problem you did. I took my wife out for the first trip on my scooter, a Pride Revo, which I chose partly for use around the neighbourhood and also for travelling. Pride has the GoGo model, but I felt it was too small for me, so I chose the larger Revo model. This Revo breaks down into five pieces and goes into my Impala trunk quite well and can be set up in a couple of minutes.

The Ontario government will pay 75% of it after an assessment. After a few weeks mulling it over, I also bought a walker, which again I was assessed for and got this from the Ontario government, which paid 75%. I bought the walker because I feared being unable to walk at all if I used the scooter solely.

So far it has worked out great. I actually enjoy going out for a walk with my wife, or if she´s busy, by myself. Feels good to be somewhat independent again.

Geoff Goodship: I´ve sent "On the Road Again" to three people (two sisters and a sister-in-law) for whom your optimistic message is most appropriate. I well imagine that finding yourself with a reduced ability to walk can be quite traumatic. Your story should help them make the adaptation. I shall try to remember where on my computer I´ve saved it for when my turn comes.

Rafiki: I enjoyed reading about your new wheels and your riding adventures. I chuckled about you kicking tires and checking out the different models.

The last couple of years I´ve been learning to ride a motorcycle. I´ve still got an M1 licence but hope in the near future to take the driving test. My brother told me I was too old to learn, so obviously that made me more determined to prove him wrong. Now my brother actually encourages me to take the driving test and admits I´m a good little rider!

No worries as I´m a back-roads driver and there are many wonderful backroads in Ontario. Too many cars and too many crazy drivers on the main roads!

Thanks for sharing your story and I´m glad you are on the road again!

Tony Lewis: You go, girl! Good to read you´re still bumping ankles....

ED. NOTE: I´ve not bumped any ankles yet!

Wendy Fisher: I loved your scooter story and decided I´d put it on my website right here and now, before it sits for months and I forget. I´m sure it will help others to make the move to a scooter. I bet they are commonplace in a few years, and you´ll see seniors on them everywhere as the boomers all age too!

http://www.retirement-online.com/senior-citizen-scooters.html

We have all been reading about the hazards of taser guns. Evidently they can be bought privately, so this story from Gerrit de Leeuw about the hazards of trying them out at home is timely:

TASER GUNS

"Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife." A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry´s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I´d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn´t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I´m looking at this little device measuring about five inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I´ll do my best. I´m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don´t do it, dipshit," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn´t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY SH<:"> ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE HELL!

I´m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-GUN, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!

A minute or so later (I can´t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about eight feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I poohed myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I´m still looking for my testicles and I´m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Bruce Galway sends this sample of

PROBLEMS WE MAY NOT YET HAVE CONSIDERED

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor´s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it´s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

Rafiki sends this story about

PISSING AND MOANING

A farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber´s house. The phone didn´t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system´s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you´d like to know.

SUGGESTED WEBSITE

Jack Peaker suggests this site for an amazing dog story:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAn7QbThWAg

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P. J. O´Rourke