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IN THIS ISSUE

• Tom Telfer begins his story of a visit to a long-time pen pal
• Doris Dignard and Howard Ayer send us letters
• Gerrit de Leeuw sends a story about a citizen´s complaint
• Jack Peaker forwards entries in a poetry contest
• The editor recommends an important best-selling book
• Kate Brookfield´s post has some clever comebacks
• Betty Fehlhaber and Bruce Galway suggest websites

Tom Telfer, who lives in London, Ont., begins his story of a visit to a

PEN PAL OF 60 YEARS

When I was 12, my Dad placed my name in a pen pal column in a stamp collectors´ magazine. A teacher in England cut out the list and passed it out. Peter Hughes and I started trading stamps and comics via mail. In 1958, I made my first trip to the UK. Over the years, we have traded visits 14 times.

Peter and his wife, Marion, live near Stonehenge. If we ask to see it, they moan: "Not again!" When they come here, they ask to see Niagara Falls and we moan: "Not again!"

Last week we arrived back home from another visit to England and Scotland. During our time in Scotland, my wife, Hazel, and I visited Musselburgh, Pitlochry, Inverness, and Nairn. The highlight was seeing the Edinburgh Military Tattoo at the castle. The awesome show included over 1000 pipers, drummers and dancers!

In England we passed through Devizes, Swindon, Rowde, Sandy Lane, Bath, Salisbury, and Southampton. During our visits we have criss- crossed the UK from John O´ Groats to the Isle of Wight.

One of the highlights was having tea at Buckingham Palace. Folks in the UK are invited to reward them for volunteering in their communities. I applied for an application from the Governor-General´s office in Ottawa. The invitations must be mailed to a UK address. I had to wear a suit and Hazel had to wear a hat and white gloves. Cameras were not allowed. 8,000 attend the party, so your chances of speaking to the Queen are very slim. Yeoman of the Guard make a path through the crowd. The Queen´s secretary speaks to someone and then introduces him/her to the Queen. The process is repeated for about an hour. There are several tents available, with tables and chairs to enjoy tea, ice coffee, tiny sandwiches, and sweets. We have attended twice at Buckingham Palace and once at Holyrood, in Edinburgh.

There is so much to see in London. I will mention a few sights and add others in future letters. Madame Tussauds is always a popular spot. It had been a hectic day, so I sat down on the floor in a hallway to rest. It wasn´t long before some ladies stopped in front of me with their guide books, trying to figure out who I was. When I moved, they laughed.

The London Eye is a newer attraction. It is a ferris wheel on the banks of the Thames, near Big Ben. It has 36 gondolas, with each one holding up to 24 passengers. On a clear day you can point out many famous sights. You can even order food and wine and have a party.

Doris Dignard writes: I very much enjoyed Gerrit de Leeuw´s article [about shop tools]. I think most of us can relate to it in some way.

ED. NOTE: Even Jay thought that one was funny!

Howard Ayer writes: I appreciate the newsletter! I tried to google "All my ex´s change their sexes", but all I got was "All my ex´s live in Texas" - perhaps it was a parody?

ED. NOTE: I´m sure you are right. I couldn´t find that version either, but there were many references to those who live in Texas.

Gerrit de Leeuw says that whether this is true or not, it made him smile:

COMPLAINT

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service: Having spent the past 20 minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone, I have decided to abandon the idea and try e- mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I´m writing this e-mail there are 11 failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St. Mary´s Crescent, which is just off St. Mary´s Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth-shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week, and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

I fear that it´s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the match. Unfortunately, they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I´ve just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three-point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you´ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four-month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sirs, your obedient servant

???????

~~~~~~~

Mr. ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address/telephone number) and when may be suitable.

RegardsPC ?Community Beat Officer

~~~~~~~~

Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly, I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St. Mary´s Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree, or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead, or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It´s surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

While I realize that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred, option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further, you should feel free to contact me on >DATE<. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I´ll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards,

???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don´t work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!

Jack Peaker sends these entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

ROMANTIC POETRY

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That&acute;s why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you &acute;cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other,
- that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl&acute;s
empty and so is your head.

I love to feel your sweet embrace;
But don&acute;t take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes;
Damn, I&acute;m good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe &acute;Go to hell.&acute;

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

RECOMMENDED READING

If you have not already read "Three Cups of Tea" by Greg Mortenson, I highly recommend it. When I called the library to request the book, I was 35th in line.

Here is what Publishers´ Weekly has to say about it in a starred review: "Some failures lead to phenomenal successes, and this American nurse´s unsuccessful attempt to climb K2, the world´s second tallest mountain, is one of them. Dangerously ill when he finished his climb in 1993, Mortenson was sheltered for seven weeks by the small Pakistani village of Korphe; in return, he promised to build the impoverished town´s first school, a project that grew into the Central Asia Institute, which has since constructed more than 50 schools across rural Pakistan and Afghanistan.

"Coauthor Relin recounts Mortenson´s efforts in fascinating detail, presenting compelling portraits of the village elders, con artists, philanthropists, mujahideen, Taliban officials, ambitious school girls and upright Muslims Mortenson met along the way. As the book moves into the post-9/11 world, Mortenson and Relin argue that the United States must fight Islamic extremism in the region through collaborative efforts to alleviate poverty and improve access to education, especially for girls. Captivating and suspenseful, with engrossing accounts of both hostilities and unlikely friendships, this book will win many readers´ hearts."

In a recent interview, Mortenson insisted that the real enemy is ignorance that can lead to hatred. Offering education and hope fights both better than pouring more bombs on Afghanistan.

Imagine what our government could accomplish with its resources and its peace keepers if they built schools and donated supplies and books, instead of creating terrorists by killing civilians in active fighting against an elusive guerrilla army which even the Russian army could not conquer in 10 years! Poverty and desperation are the breeding grounds for terrorists, and if we truly wish to help the people of Afghanistan and Pakistan, we can be most effective in providing education, especially for girls. Think how many schools we could have built with the $22 billion it has cost Canada so far to fight in Afghanistan!

Kate Brookfield sends these shots fired in

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES

He said: I don´t know why you wear a bra you´ve got nothing to put in it.She said: You wear pants, don´t you?

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?She said: That´s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said: Why don´t you tell me when you have an orgasm?She said: I would but you´re never there.

He said: Why don´t women blink during foreplay?She said: They don´t have time

He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?She said: We don´t know; it has never happened.

He said: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?She said: They already have boyfriends.

He said: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?She said: A widow.

He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?She said: Single women come home, see what´s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what´s in bed, and go to the fridge.

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Betty Fehlhaber writes: Ennio Marchetto is a comedian who has created his own theatrical language mixing mime, dance, music, and quick change-costumes made out of cardboard and paper. In 18 years he has performed in over 70 countries for more than a million people. His show has received numerous awards and international critical acclaim:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAFI1i5FIBc

In these days of upsetting financial and environmental news, it is a good idea to gain some perspective by having another look at this link, which was sent by Bruce Galway:

http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

For a story about fruit gleaners who salvage unwanted for food banks go to

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/14/us/14harvest.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

You may also read this newsletter online at http://members.shaw.ca/vjsansum/ or http://nw-seniors.org/stories.html

"Your time is limited, so don´t waste it living someone else´s life. Don´t be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people´s thinking. Don´t let the noise of other´s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." - Steve Jobs