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IN THIS ISSUE

• The editor explains the lack of personal stories
• Tom Kyle sends a timely hint for those who haven´t yet got their flu shots
• Shirley Conlon forwards some light-hearted observations
• Don Henderson´s golf story is a little out of season
• Tom Williamson sends the touching tale of the postie´s last day
• Rafiki´s story shows that some people gain wisdom when they age
• On a more serious note, let´s review the symptoms of a stroke
• Contestants came up with some seriously bad analogies
• Bruce Galway recommends a couple of sites So does the editor

IT´S BOTTOM-OF-THE-BARREL TIME AGAIN

I know we have all been absorbed by the drama of the momentous election to the south of us, which perhaps explains why their are no personal stories nor letters in this issue. Richard Ross, who has been sending the stories from India, is no doubt absorbed by his exploration of that exotic land, or in his search for a job, or a debacle du jour, so his story will wait until he surfaces once again.

In the meantime, I have been going through your posts, old and new, looking for things to lighten the darkening days of the oncoming winter and the threatening clouds on the economic front. I hope you will enjoy a respite from whatever problems are facing you, and find something to smile at in the following stories and jokes.

Which reminds me - why do all the jokes seem like retreads? I have seen most of them before, in one form or another, over the 15 years or so I´ve been online. However, just because a joke is old does not mean that it is not funny. I hope that you will enjoy this issue, retreads and all, and if you find time to send a story or a joke or recommend a site, I will be happy to hear from you.

Tom Kyle sends this oldie about

FLU PREVENTION

The church organist was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn´t it wonderful?

"I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

"Do you know, I haven´t had the flu all winter."

Shirley Conlon sends these

MORNING SMILES

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

At pilots´ training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take- offs you make."

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn´t get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that by the time you´re old enough to know your way around, you´re not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

A little out of season except on the West coast comes this story from Don Henderson:

SUCKER BET

A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, grey-haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him. The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, "We´re about evenly matched. How about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn´t much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we´re pretty even so far, so why not? The stately gentleman played "straight and true" golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest said, "Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you want to bring your mother and father along, I´ll marry them."

Tom Williamson forwards the story of

THE MAILMAN´S LAST DAY

It was the mailman´s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom, where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giantbreakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh- squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup´s bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what´s the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ´Screw him ... give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Rafiki claims that

WITH AGE COMES WISDOM

A 70-year-old man loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn´t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I´m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me, and I´ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I´ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn´t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I´d rather have a talking frog."

With age comes wisdom.

None of us expects to have a stroke, but we should be aware of the symptoms and actions to take if we do experience one. This information is from Johns Hopkins´ newsletter:

SYMPTOMS OF A STROKE

* Sudden weakness or numbness in the face, arm, or leg on one side of the body; * Sudden loss, blurring, or dimness of vision; * Mental confusion, loss of memory, or sudden loss of consciousness; * Slurred speech, loss of speech, or problems understanding other people;

* A sudden, severe headache with no apparent cause;

* Unexplained dizziness, drowsiness, lack of coordination, or falls;

* Nausea and vomiting, especially when accompanied by any of the above symptoms.

Actions To Take:

* Stay calm, but don´t downplay any of the symptoms or hesitate to take prompt action.

* Call or have someone call an ambulance. (Dial 911.) Be sure to give your name, telephone number, and exact whereabouts.

* While waiting for the ambulance, the person having stroke symptoms should be made as comfortable as possible and should not eat or drink anything other than water.

* If an ambulance cannot arrive for an extended period of time, a family member, neighbour, or someone else should drive the stroke patient to the hospital. Under no circumstances should the person experiencing the stroke symptoms drive.

* Notify the stroke patient´s doctor. The doctor can provide the hospital with the patient´s medical history, which may be important for determining the best type of treatment.

* At the hospital, be sure to list any medical conditions the stroke patient has (for example, high blood pressure or diabetes), any allergies the patient has (particularly to medication), and any medications the patient is currently taking.

The Washington Post ran a contest in which readers were asked to come up with lame analogies. The line separating painfully bad analogies from weirdly good ones is as thin as a soup made from the shadow of a chicken that was starved to death by Abraham Lincoln. And so they had to create a separate category to honour those entries that came too close to actual literature to qualify as "bad." Here they are:

THE STYLE INVITATIONAL

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. (Sandra Hull,Arlington)

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

He regarded death with hesitant dread, as if he were a commedia dell´arte troupe and death was an audience of pipe-fitters. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

Now, back to the gloriously bad analogies.

Sixth Runner-Up: The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

Fifth Runner-Up: "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)

Fourth Runner-Up: He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. (John Kammer, Herndon)

Third-Runner-Up: Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can´t Believe It´s Not Butter. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

Second Runner-Up: She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

First Runner-Up: It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.)

And the winner of the Smorked Beef Rectum: The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. (J.F. Knowles, Springfield)

Next week, the Honourable Mentions

RECOMMENDED WEBSITES

Bruce Galway suggests this site for people thinking about Christmas baking (what, already?) http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/

And for Ontario readers interested in politics and/or pensions, see Bruce´s blog at http://durhamregion.typepad.com/my_perspective/

For an amusing speech by President-elect Obama, go to http://www.brasschecktv.com/page/468.html

The editor has added a couple of entries to her blog at http://jeansansum.shawwebspace.ca/blog/

ScamBusters says that bad economic times are good ones for scammers, and advises you to look for these sneaky scams in issue 308 at http://www.scambusters.org/badeconomy.html

"I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes." - Erma Bombeck