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IN THIS ISSUE

• Hugh Doherty was into computers before they became commonplace
• Doreen Stone writes from Vancouver Island
• Peter Rollo sends a story of a remarkable tracker
• Shirley Conlon and Jack Peaker forward some dubious questions
• Gerrit de Leeuw sends a wee Scottish joke
• Dick Monaghan´s story illustrates two different priorities
• Bruce Galway forwards some accurate observations
• Barbara Wear, Jean Sterling, Tom Kyle, and Tom Williamson suggest sites

Hugh Doherty has been involved with computers for many years:

A NOVA SCOTIA PIONEER

I was actually the first in our family to get into computers, back in 1982 with a little Radio Shack TRS80. The whole thing was contained in a keyboard, which plugged into an ordinary TV set, which served as the monitor. None of our kids knew anything about computers then, and I encouraged them to learn about and use the TRS80, which they all did in varying degrees. The rest, as they say, is history. All of our kids are now much more computer savvy than I am, or ever will be, and have much more sophisticated machines than I have.

I was also the first in our family to go online, in 1995, after fooling around for several years with the old BBS´s. A year later, when I retired, I took up the Internet as a hobby, and enrolled in a course in HTML programming at Virtual U. This resulted in the first of my own web pages, which has since grown into a rather extensive collection. I have, however, never progressed beyond very basic web pages, bereft of complicated tables, frames, Java, etc., etc.

When I first started making web pages, free web space was available without any ads. Since then, of course, all kinds of advertising has been added by the host companies to the point where the web pages themselves are almost obliterated. But I figure most people are so used to ads on TV, radio, and newspapers that web page ads have become just another fact of life. I´m too cheap to pay for web page space anyway, and besides, we retired journalists need all the freebies we can get.

I have been a fan of Tale Spinner since about 1996 or so, and even contributed a few items back in 1998. Still enjoy it, glad to get it in e-mail form (which I prefer to the web version). So thanks for your many years of dealing with a weekly deadline!

CORRESPONDENCE

Doreen Stone writes: Had to tell you how much Jack and I enjoyed the story of roping a deer [in last week´s issue] as my step-father tried that here in Qualicum many years ago.

He also was dragged into the woods but had not tied the rope around his waist and finally had to let go. I have always hoped that deer somehow managed to get the rope off its antlers

ED. NOTE: So Snopes was correct in saying that the story was feasible.

Peter Rollo, who served as officer in charge of the Roebourne police station for three years in the early 60s, forwards this story about an

AUSSIE TRACKER

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of Canadians tourists around Roebourne on their way to Broome. He was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, and under the sea.

The Canadians were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line, while his left leg was held high in the air.

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It´s red. The left front tire is bald. The front end is out of whack, and it has dents in every panel. There are nine blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are three kangaroos on the roof rack and six dogs on the front seat."

The Canadian tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"Goddammit, man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago!"

Shirley Conlon and Jack Peaker both forwarded questions supposedly asked in advance of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. In spite of the claim that these questions were really asked, they are updated versions of questions about other Olympics. The last one I remember was in Australia. So take them with a pinch of salt:

QUESTIONS ASKED OF THE OLYMPIC ORGANIZERS

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you´ve been drinking.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it´s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Ca- na-da is that big country to your North. Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we´ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys´ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)A: No, WE don´t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada but I forget its name. It´s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It´s called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Gerrit de Leeuw forwards this

SCOTTISH JOKE

A wee Glesga wumman gaes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

"Nay," replies the butcher. "It´s jist ma haun´s ah´m heatin´."

Dick Monaghan sends a revealing story about

PRIORITIES

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you´ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won´t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You´re going to be okay, you´ll walk again and everything, but ... something happened. I´m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You´ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn´t come cheap. It´s $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it´s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it´s something you´d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine- incher, she might be a bit put out.

"But if you had a nine-inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it´s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day."So," he says, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"Yes, she has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We´re getting granite countertops."

Bruce Galway forwards these examples of the results of growing up:

SADLY ENOUGH, THESE ARE PRETTY ACCURATE ...

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can´t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 14 days of vacation time to 365.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You´re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won´t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don´t know what time Burger King closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald´s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can´t drink the way I used to," replaces "I´m never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate her instead of asking, "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"

THIS WEEK´S SUGGESTED SITES

Barbara Wear writes: Many people thought Bob Hope was just a comedian, and that Jimmy Cagney was a real bonafide gangster. This video should change their minds, as well as show they were both superb dancers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOoNOs8Ql28

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Jean Sterling suggests this cute video of a dog and a baby:

http://arunaurl.com/3202

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If you have not already seen the panoramic photo of President Obama´s inauguration, Tom Kyle forwards the site with these instructions: Click the image to open the picture, then scroll around, zoom in and look at the detail. As you zoom in, give the image a chance to clarify itself. Just under the main image are some snapshot images you can click that will take you where the image is in the picture.

http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2009/02feb_gigapan.htm

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Tom Williamson sends the URL for a video of a man with an incredible raport with lions:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wso13n4kHZ4

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For another video of the sensational Scottish singer, Susan Boyle, see

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI2DxkrgpgQ