Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2011-03

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Lyle Meeres begins a story about their trip around New Zealand
• Betty Audet and Dick Chenot send letters
• Gerrit deLeeuw is grateful for all the e-mails he received last year
• Jay sends a Newfie joke
• Noah Green has technical problems
• Catherine Nesbitt forwards a story about two Irish farmers
• Do you know the symptoms for colds as opposed to the flu?
• The editor describes a birthday party
• Bruce Galway, Catherine Nesbitt, Pat Moore and Tom Williamson suggest sites

For anyone contemplating a visit to New Zealand, Lyle Meeres´ account of their own trip should prove invaluable. For the rest of us armchair travellers, it is a look at another part of the world:

AROUND THE ISLANDS IN 21 DAYS

My father planted the idea of going to New Zealand because he wanted to go but never got there, so when our friends, Donna and Gordon, suggested that we make the trip with them, Pat and I thought about it for two minutes and agreed. We had months to plan, and to change plans, because we intended to make the trip in March, New Zealand´s fall.

In terms of the weather that travellers might face, time of year is less significant in New Zealand than in Alberta, since yearly temperatures average a difference of about 10 degrees C summer and winter. Generally, the north is sub-tropical, the south is more temperate, and the west is wetter than the east. We quickly agreed that early fall was best for us because we would have a chance of getting reasonable temperatures and some places would offer us better rates than we would get during the busy New Zealand summer. On our trip, we woke up to frost twice, but daytime highs of 20 to 25 C were not uncommon.

We used several travel guides and the internet to identify the highlights of the North and South Islands, and drafted an itinerary.

Pat and I renewed our passports five months ahead of flight time. We also made flight arrangements, though it was not the cheapest time to do so - but we got a flight that arrived in Auckland at 8:30 a.m. and returned to Calgary about 4:00 p.m. 24 days later. We reduced jet lag by staying up to normal times both in Auckland and in Alberta. We also picked up New Zealand money ahead of time, though the exchange rate in New Zealand was fair. We hoped to save a bit of time at the airport. New Zealand dollars looked different because clear plastic covers holes in each of the different coloured bills. There are no pennies and no quarters, but 20-cent and 50-cent pieces are common.

Many New Zealand maps give driving times from place to place. It is wise to match these up with your tentative itinerary so you don´t find yourself trying to locate your accommodation after midnight, as did one couple we know. Of course, you have to adjust your estimated driving time according to the frequency and length of stops along the way. North Americans often expect to cover a greater distance than they can achieve because there is so much to see along the way.

There are too many ways of getting from place to place for an automobile association to designate routes, and some people are willing to travel greater distances than others, and in New Zealand that makes a great difference. Some travellers would see part of one island in three weeks. We intended to see all we could on both islands, basically going down the east side and back along the west side. The passes on the South Island mean that one can choose to cross back and forth.

We briefly considered renting a motorhome (or in Kiwi tongue, a camper van), but they are smaller in New Zealand and we thought we might add too much stress to our territorial imperatives. Once in New Zealand, we saw that the camper van would not have suited us. Not only are they small and slow; the campgrounds we saw did not offer the sense of wilderness that we like.

Gordon got phone numbers for car rental agencies, checked details on the internet (for example, we wanted an automatic transmission), and learned that while some agencies allow you to take the car on a ferry across Cook Strait, others require clients to leave the car on one island and pick up another car on the second island, meaning luggage has to be manhandled. Rental cars agencies and ferry companies charge different rates. Local companies often offer better rates for cars - but renters have to watch what they get for their money. We rented an older car which worked well. The biggest challenge was finding the agency´s office to return the vehicle in Auckland once we were done our trip.

We were allowed to take the car on the ferry, and the Subaru station wagon would hold the four of us and our luggage. Keeping the vehicle and taking it on a fast ferry, the Top Cat catamaran, is expensive, but makes the crossing between the islands in an hour and a half, a real time saving over the slower ferries, and advantageous since the crossing can be rough. Booking well ahead saves money. The ferry and our first hotel confirmed reservations by mail.

Quieter, pleasant months to travel in New Zealand are October, November, February, March, and April. School is out around December and January, so people travelling then need to book accommodation ahead. We did book our first hotel ahead, in downtown Auckland, so we were certain we had a place when we faced jet lag and would want to go to bed early. Once in New Zealand, we generally booked two nights ahead. Twice we had to phone more than one place: one time we hit our best accommodation; the other was not great but had a harbour view. We used hotels, motels, and B&B´s, and even a timeshare condo. If you´re going north of Auckland, reserve at least a week ahead.

Restaurants that serve breakfast are uncommon, so accommodation that provides breakfast is almost a necessity. Many places, even motels, give you a pint of milk when you arrive, for your tea. Bed and breakfast places usually provide a continental breakfast and may give you an option of a hot breakfast, sometimes for an extra charge, such as $8.

The Canadian dollar gives you an advantage so things that look costly may be bargains, and the GST is included in New Zealand prices. Tipping is uncommon. It is easy to use Visa and Mastercard in New Zealand, so cash and travellers cheques are rarely essential. We used cash for taxi fares, groceries, lunch, and small gifts. "EFTPOS" signs means that credit cards are accepted. Once we saw the sign, "No EFTPOS on Ferry," but since the ferry in the Bay of Islands cost $10 NZ for the car and four people, it was unimportant.

We bought in advance a back-up battery for the camera and plug adaptors for the 240 voltage in New Zealand. We needed these since even the razor outlets that provide for either current do not work for appliances such as hair dryers. If you use film, it is expensive. Take sunscreen and insect lotion because sandflies and the hole in the ozone layer make protection essential. Small Kleenex packs, hats, sunglasses, small containers of shampoo, and Ziploc bags may also be useful. Take an International driving permit. We read that dress clothes were required in some eating places, but we found that good casual clothing is the norm.

The flight over seemed endless despite books and movies. None of us slept much, but excitement helped us to stay awake when we arrived in Auckland, New Zealand´s largest city with a population of about one million. Because we crossed the International Date Line, we lost one day. It seemed odd to us that duty-free shopping was available on arrival, but then we didn´t see many bargains. We chose a van as a taxi because there were four people with luggage, and paid $42 NZ to get from the airport to our downtown hotel. Despite the morning hour, we were allowed to leave our luggage in our room.

To be continued.

CORRESPONDENCE

Betty Audet writes: I quote your quote: "My aim is to look after myself for as long as I can, to help others in whatever way I can, and to have a lot of laughs in the process. Laughter is the best medicine I know."

This is one Maurice and I try to live by.

~~~~~~~

Dick Chenot writes: Congratulations on your upcoming birthday. Even though I´m at the other end of the octogenarian decade, I know exactly what you´re saying, and I sympathize with you. We´ve known each other for a couple decades now and, as much as I try, I can´t catch up with you! In all sincerity, I am amazed at how you do keep going! Your magazine is as wonderful as ever!

ED. NOTE: Thank you, Dick, and all those who wrote wishing me a happy birthday, and saying kind things about the Spinner. I appreciate both very much!

Gerrit deLeeuw sends this heart-warming expression of thanks for

E-MAILS FROM 2010

As we begin the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can´t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can´t touch any woman´s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa´s Novena will grant my every wish.

I can´t have a drink in a bar because I´ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can´t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn´t crawl into my back seat when I´m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE, I can´t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

AND LASTLY, I keep my toothbrush in the living room because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over six feet out of the toilet.

If you don´t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour´s ex-mother-in-law´s second husband´s cousin´s best friend´s beautician.

Jay forwards another

NEWFIE JOKE

These two Newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away.

This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end."

The buddy gets exasperated and says, "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"

ED. NOTE: Poor old Newfies! It used to be blondes....

It is not only us mature types who have problems with technology, as this excerpt from Noah Green´s blog shows:

TECHNICAL COMPLAINT

Technology is conspiring against me. Like the fiendish offspring of the Terminator and The Happening, my gadgets have become sentient and are now attempting to drive me to suicide. Or at least to string together all the curse words I know in an eruption of Tourette syndrome that will leave me breathless and those around me speechless.

My telephone plays dumb, my internet plays hooky, and my computer does what it feels like. Acting in concert, they have reduced me to a whimpering mass of frustration, rocking back and forth in my padded cell.

I´m having to do things like write with a pen! Read a book! It´s so anachronistic. Like jousting.

I´m like a way less cool Han Solo patching together the Millennium Falcon with gum and duct tape. I promise we´ll make the jump to hyper-space any second now. I´m resourceful. I´ll figure something out.

Noah´s blog: ....

Catherine Nesbitt forwards the story of

THE FARMER AND THE TRACTOR

Paddy is passing by Mick´s hayshed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea-stained vest underneath, and with a final flourish, he hurls his cap onto a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin daylights out of me!" says an obviously-embarrassed Mick. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!"

As a public service, I am including this chart so that those who suffer the indignities of a cold or the flu will know the difference and act accordingly:

FROM THE EDITOR´S DESKTOP

I wrote before about the lunches I and the ex-aides in the library where I worked for 17 years have been enjoying for the past 40 years. The difference between the number of years I worked there and the number of years we have been socializing is the number of years I have been retired - 23.

Among those women were three others whose birthdays were within a week of mine, so every year we got together to celebrate. On Monday we had the latest, though with a greatly-reduced number. One of the birthday "girls", Dorothy, was the only one of the group who has died, and we still miss her cheerful presence. Another, Anna, now lives quite a long way off, and she had a doctor´s appointment that day. The only one who was actually at the lunch besides me was Loreta.

Five of us met at the Old Spaghetti Factory in New Westminster. It is a large restaurant near the skytrain station, so it is handy for the women who come from North Vancouver. I used to go there, but since I quit driving and no longer get around very handily, they now come over here.

Norma co-ordinates the group on the north shore, phoning to make sure they know which seabus they are catching. This time the group consisted of only Carol and Loreta, besides herself, and Jean was driven over by her son because she had broken her ankle and was still wearing a boot.

This was my birthday party, and I felt privileged to be joined by old friends - who are all younger than I, by the way. They expressed surprise at how well I am bearing up, and I admit I feel the same way - surprised.

We made plans to meet again in June.

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Bruce Galway sends this link to video of a talented young basketball player:

Catherine Nesbitt writes: Life in North Korea is unlike life anywhere else. Because the country it so closed off, we don´t see much of it. But the pieces that leak out are strangely fascinating. That´s especially true when it comes to children. North Korean children are extremely disciplined. Take Kang Eunju, for example. She is an amazing guitarist. But even more amazing is the fact that she´s still in kindergarten:

Pat Moore forwards this link to a video of a National Geographic photographer getting close to a leopard seal:

Tom Williamson forwards this link to a video of some of the disastrous flooding in Australia:

Luis and Ashley´s Grand Illusion - the mystery of the cardboard box:

After the horrifying shooting in Arizona this week, a debate rages about the nature of political discourse. Michael Sandel teaches political philosophy at Harvard, and his lecture is illustrated with a debate over a recent Supreme Court case involving a golfer who wanted to be allowed to use a cart. This should be of interest to golfers as well as to people interested in politics: