Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2011-16

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Terry Remin muses on her life so far
• Catherine Nesbitt forwards the story of a falling-down drunk
• Pat Moore´s story if about the heaviest element discovered by scientists
• Peter Rollo shares the nine words that men should learn well
• Catherine Green sends an example of very fast thinking
• Zvonko Springer forwards a story about a Mexican maid
• Sites are suggested by Bruce Galway, Catherine Nesbitt, and Gerrit deLeeuw

Terry Remin goes camping with friends in her search for

A NEW LIFE

I flew into Rockhampton and there was very little evidence of the flooding that had shut the airport until a couple of days ago. It was Australia Day, so both my friend and her partner were there to pick me up. As we drove into Yeppoon, I discovered that it had grown up in my absence of 20 years and very little looked familiar. They drove me past the private hospital where my friend and I had met when we both worked there, I as the head cook and she as the administrator. It was still there but the house I had lived in had been replaced. It had also multiplied and become multiple housing ... it looked like senior blocks of some kind.

My friend lived in a three-storey apartment building overlooking the ocean and had an awesome view. I was happy to discover I could once again fall asleep to the sound of waves washing up on the shore. It sounded like a remembered lullaby to my ears. The only thing that would have made it more heaven like would have been the rocking of the boat.

Because it was Australia Day we headed to the beach and met up with my friend´s sister and her husband. We wandered around a bit but it was so hot and crowded we decided to retire to a pub for a couple of coldies. I am always amazed by how many people of every age group go barefoot everywhere ... even in the shopping malls in Sydney. I remembered only seeing my skipper in shoes twice in the eight months that I worked on the boat, and he had thick calluses on the bottoms of his feet. They always reminded me of Noddy in the books I had read as a kid.

As dusk approached the lorikeets started to congregate in the trees and were very loud. The pubs shut around 7:00 p.m. because of the holiday so we went to my friend´s sister´s house for a BBQ of chicken breast, sausages, fried bread, eggs and fried potatoes. What a fine Azure feast! The BBQs here are mostly flat metal plates rather than grills. We finished off the night with a walk home along the waterfront.

My friend only works every second week and Mondays and her partner is retired and volunteers for the Emergency Rescue Service. It was her week off so we decided to go camping. My friend and her partner had just spent the last year camping all the way around Australia. They went camping in a tent for a weekend and when the weekend was over they decided to go somewhere else. When they hit a city, they bought a camper van and kept on going. How I wished I could have joined them for that trip! We decided to go to Byfield. We wanted to go to Black- down Tablelands but the floods had washed out the roads and they were closed indefinitely.

We drove around to a few different campgrounds as Byfield was only 20 minutes away and there were a few choices. We finally decided on an area and set up camp. We weren´t there very long when a lone male camper pulled in ... the only other camper in the place. Of course when I saw him over by the sign where we had to pay our fees, I wandered over to check him out. Well, there were three of us and one of him ... the numbers added up. He turned out to be a German doctor, an anaesthetist. I asked him if he would like to join us. We all decided to go for a drive to the beach. At least we tried to go to the beach, but the roads were sand and very narrow. There was a lot of traffic and we ended up getting stuck. He tried to go on by taking the air out of the tires, but there was a young man there who had chewed up the track in his attempt to keep going, and we decided to turn back. It was a bit disappointing, but we did stop on the way back and took a bit of a bush walk.

Our German friend invited me to join him for a coffee while my friend and her partner made chicken curry for supper. My friend´s partner was determined to try to matchmake so was constantly making remarks to our new friend about how he should take me with him, etc. It was embarrassing but I just ignored it. We built a fire after supper and were entertained by a kookaburra and a possum. Eugene and I stayed up talking. It started to rain off and on, and when it was on, we moved under a tree for shelter and then back to the fire when it stopped, but soon it settled in and we decided to retire to our respective tents.

The next day it was still raining off and on so we were lucky there were tarps to sit under. We were trying to break camp so we could head back to town as Kerrie had to work, but it got worse, with rain and high winds as the day progressed. Finally we decided to start taking down the tarps anyway. On top of the tent under the tarp we found a green frog with a smiley face. He was so cute!

We invited our German friend to come with us and spend the night on the couch, but he decided to brave it out in the hopes that he could get his gear dry in the morning before he had to pack up. He was planning to head north to Cairns, but needed to get his headlights looked at. When we got back to town it was even windier and we discovered that there was two cyclone warnings in effect. We were soon to discover that a stage-5 cyclone, the largest in the history of Australia, was only a couple of days away besides the current one.

Our German friend ended up calling us the next day and coming to town so my friend could show him where to get the lights fixed on his car. We drove him around to a couple of places but he was unable to get them fixed. He decided to spend the night and head south in the morning, not wanting to take a chance on running into a cyclone. We got reports from the rescue service that my friend belonged to that it was going to hit north of us and we didn´t really have to worry. The thing about cyclones is they have been known to change direction at the last minute. This cyclone was devastating news for Queensland, following on the heels of the flooding that had just occurred, where whole towns were wiped out and millions of dollars of damage was done.

When I woke up the morning after it hit land we were happy to report that we had survived the cyclone unscathed. A couple of days later, my friend´s partner was dispatched to Townsville to help with the clean-up and my friend had to work the first few days. I found that as I sat out on the deck I started to feel bored, my mind drifting to a feeling of unsettlement. It took a conversation with my friend to realize that what had happened was the inside-the-box thinking creeping in once again. What was I going to do with myself? I couldn´t just sit here all day doing nothing ... I should be doing something.

I thought about when I had been in a drug and alcohol treatment centre where I had chosen to go to learn about co-dependent behaviour. I had thrown off the pot-smoking habit many years before but had not got rid of the underlying issues that caused the need to hide from myself ... the need for substance abuse. It was a very self- revealing time for me and I specifically remember the exercise during our final group session where we had to write something about each person and how the comments about me centred on the business mask I used to keep people away. It was a revelation to recognize the unconscious tactics I used. One of my biggest complaints was that I often had this feeling of being on the outside looking in at all the people interacting with each other, and wishing I was part of it. Was it that I was sad to feel as if I did not fit in, or that I knew that I was different and had to hide who I really was to fit in and be accepted. It was a shock to learn it was self-imposed - that I used the masks to keep people away. I remember how devastating that was to take in. So the question became, "How do I remove the masks?"

When I got my last job I came to realize how much energy it took for me to stay in that role - how much I had to keep my business mask in place just to function there. I refused to get caught up in that and simply focused on doing the best job for my client, but every training I went to and every staff meeting battered at me as they continued to try to slot me in their box. I had been doing this for years, working in fields that really didn´t suit me just to be able to make enough money to have a standard of living I wanted to have for my daughter and me. By pushing myself, I could do really well and it became a trap. In a straight commission job, people measure success by the amount of money they are able to make.

Sitting here, I was trying to think back to when that started. Ah, when I became a single mom a court order was put in place by my ex- husband to prevent me from leaving the area. That was a death toll to a gypsy. I also felt very strongly that I could not take my daughter, who was adopted, away from her sisters and her birth mom and dad and all the people who loved her. Besides, I would need their help to raise her.

In the past, when I got bored with my life or did not like what I was doing any longer, I had no problem with pulling up stakes and moving homes or jobs. My father had done it so many times. I counted it up one time - we moved 13 times when I lived at home, and I had probably doubled that in my life away from home. Some counsellors felt that I had run my whole life. When I talked to my friend we tried to work it out. Do adventure travellers run from what they don´t like, or do they do it for the adventure of it all?

After I had found a group of people that I really resonated with, who supported my wish to be real, and I started to get a glimmer of the me I had hidden from myself and the world to feel as if I fitted in, my philosophy in life started to change and I became no longer willing to do the necessary contortions to fit into the box.

When you start to become true to yourself, you begin the process of throwing off all the thinking that you have adopted from other people over the years. That does not feel natural, because it has become such an integral part of you. It has been a very long process to get here but one I am willing to continue to pursue.

So while I was just sitting on the deck doing nothing and the feelings came, I thought they were boredom, or were they guilt that I was not working? I wondered if the longer I stayed off work and felt I did not have to have work as an identity, would I really get to know the person I have hidden away from? Will the real Terry Remin stand up!

I think when I got close to that, I had the tendency to run from it. When someone asks me who I am, I can no longer say something that relates to a job. So what do I say now? I am a caring, compassionate person living in the world, allowing myself to just be and not have to place a label there. Simply I AM will do.

Catherine Nesbitt sends this story about

THE DRUNK

Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as it was possible to get?

A group of guys noticed his condition and decided to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lived, but he kept falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they got to his house, he fell down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife came to the door, and one guy said, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asked, "Where´s his wheelchair?"

Pat Moore sends this timely explanation of the newest element in the US:

GOVERNMENTIUM

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named "Governmentium."

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of Lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes 1 reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal 1/2-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium´s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become Neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

Peter Rollo suggests that men should learn what these words mean when used by women:

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don´t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That´s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That´s okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you; do not question, or faint. Just say, "You´re welcome." (I want to add in a clause here - this is true, unless she says, "Thanks a lot." - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say, "You´re welcome." That will bring on a "whatever".)

(8) Whatever: Is a woman´s way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don´t worry about it, I´ll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking, "What´s wrong?" For the woman´s response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it´s true!

Catherine Green sends an example of

VERY FAST THINKING

A man boarded an aircraft at London´s Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello," he blurted out. "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I´m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What´s your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it´s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I´m sorry," she said. "I really shouldn´t be discussing this with you. I don´t even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Zvonko Springer forwards this story of

THE MEXICAN MAID

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I wan´ an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor husband say so."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense; who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor husband did."

Wife: "Oh...."

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed."

Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora ... the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

RECOMMENDED WEBSITES

Bruce Galway and Gerrit deLeeuw both forwarded this link to a shortened remake of an award-winning movie about the power of words to make a difference in someone´s life:

Carol Dilworth recommends this video of a group of "ethnics" singing about their dislike of being courted for their votes in the coming Canadian election:

Catherine Nesbitt suggests this site for unique photos from around the world:

Gerrit deLeeuw forwards this link to a video of beavers working on the Bow River in Alberta, rebuilding their dam and ignoring the cameraman:

In a moving and madly viral video last year, composer Eric Whitacre led a virtual choir of singers from around the world. He talks through the creative challenges of making music powered by YouTube, and unveils the first two minutes of his new work, "Sleep," with a video choir of 2,052. The full piece premiered April 7 (yes, on YouTube!):

For an official update to the original "Shift Happens" video, go to this completely new 2009 version, which includes facts and stats focusing on the changing media landscape:

For lovers of classical music, this site features a number of videos of performances of Giuseppe Verdi´s music:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which change daily, go to

http://members.shaw.ca/vjjsansum/freedictionarytestpageV2.html