Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2011-18

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Lyle Meeres continues his account of their tour of Ireland
• Gerrit deLeeuw claims that older men are very helpful
• Catherine Nesbitt forwards examples of how the recession has hurt
• Rafiki´s story gives the answer to an age-old question
• Dick Monaghan sent these examples of fighting words
• Sites are recommended by Bruce Galway, Catherine Green, Catherine Nesbitt, and Tony Lewis

Lyle Meeres has just stayed overnight at a hotel in Galway on their trip

THROUGH IRELAND BY BUS AND CAR

Aran Isle of Inishmore

In the morning we took the bus to a ferry, which took us to the Aran Isle of Inishmore. What started off as a cool, foggy day burned off to become a hot, sunny one. Vans met us and took us to the so-called seven churches. Some of the buildings were more likely storage, built between the ninth and 15th centuries. The basic limestone of the fields was crisscrossed with drystone fences. The inhabitants mixed sand, seaweed, and manure to create enough soil to grow grass to feed cattle and a few sheep. Eventually, some fields supported potatoes and other vegetables. Talk about a rocky existence!

The main feature of the island is Don Aonghasa, a rock fort protected by a series of stone walls and by being set on a 300-foot cliff. I took pictures of our 40-minute walk up and bought a postcard aerial shot of the Iron or Bronze Age fort. One can see the island by renting bicycles, or by taking vans, or by riding in jaunting cars, which are carts pulled by horses.

September 7: roads were busy until we got away from Galway. We ate our first pub lunch in Sligo in a pretty area by a stream. Pat and I had smoked salmon on a bap (like a bun); Pat had a half pint of Smithwick´s (pronounced "Smithick´s") while I had a half a Guiness. Lunch cost about 15 Euros. Later we stopped to see a 5000-year-old tomb and then went to Beleek, where we toured the pottery making plant, admired their standard (no seconds - they break all rejected pieces), and Pat bought a bowl-like rectangular plate that could hold fruit. When she found that it was twice as much to mail it as it cost to buy the plate, Pat decided we would carry it with us.

Then we had a pretty drive in the heat along Loch Erne to Enniskillen. This is Yeats´ country and not as rocky as Dingle. Farms looked prosperous and the trees were a pleasant change. When we arrived at the hotel, there was a big construction site so I announced, "Sorry, your room´s not quite ready yet." Donna´s room even sported a balcony with a pretty view. Literally "cool."

On September 8 we drove to the Ulster-American Folk Park. The first part was indoors with figures, photos, displays, and sounds such as the snoring of sleepers. Displays moved from the first Irish going to North America (including Grosse Isle), through the 1885 famine, to modern times. The second part was outside and included some original buildings.

We drove back to Omagh for lunch. Since we knew we would cross the invisible border into Northern Ireland, we tried to change Euros into pounds. The second ATM worked with our cards. A second folk park was closed so we drove back and visited Enniskillen Castle, which has been redone so many times it is not much to look at from outside. The military history inside was fine. Dinner was ordinary. Later, we watched rooks swing over the sky like a magician´s cape, vanishing into the trees. They look like underdeveloped crows. At dawn they made lots of noise defending their territory.

In the morning we went to Castle Coole, just blocks from our hotel. The National Trust opened for a tour just for us. The grounds, mostly forest, included nicely-shaped beech trees. The castle itself is like a long manor house, with large rooms and high ceilings. The architect designed it so everything is matched, taking symmetry to the extreme. If there are two doors on one side, there will be two doors on the other side, even if half of them are false doors. The bus took us downtown and we left to find lunch. We chose, logically enough, Pat´s Pub.

The Giant´s Causeway

September 10 started with Drew, the bus driver, saying, "Some of your suitcases have become pregnant." He drove us to the Giant´s Causeway, where we saw a short video that gave a scientific explanation of the hexagonal basalt columns. The columns run the gamut from short to tall. We saw columns set in rock, making up the "pipe organ." I liked the legend the film told to explain the 37,000 columns and similar columns seen on Staff in Scotland. My guidebook said the giant Finn MacCool built the causeway as a path to see his love. The video told a different tale. Another giant lived in Scotland. Finn thought he would like to defeat this other giant, but when he went over the causeway to Scotland, he discovered that the other giant was bigger and looked stronger. Without being seen, Finn hiked back to Ireland, where his wife disguised him as a baby and put him in a huge carriage. Shortly after, the giant from Scotland arrived, roaring threats. When Finn´s wife showed him her "baby," and said that her husband would be back soon, the Scottish giant had second thoughts. If this was just the baby, he didn´t want to meet the daddy! Clever woman ... clever story.

I took lots of pictures of the Giant´s Causeway and would pick it as my favourite part of the trip. Most evenings I eliminated poor pictures from my new digital camera.

Back on the road, I was disappointed that the bus cut off before the eerie ruins of Dunluce Castle. We drove through rain that became quite hard, so I probably would have seen little anyway. When we reached Belfast, I was glad I wasn´t driving since we had to do several circuits before arriving at our hotel, the Europa. My suitcase didn´t arrive. I phoned the concierge and Bev and Andy, our tour guides, to put them "on the case" so to speak. Nothing. Bev phoned to see if a case had been left at our previous hotel; Drew took a taxi back to the bus and searched it. Eventually, Andy came to me in the lounge and said, "Check your room. If the case isn´t there, I vanish." He didn´t have to disappear. The suitcase had been sent to room 519 instead of our room, 719. I relaxed at dinner, which was nicely served. Breakfast was not. It was Jekyll and Hyde.

Bev and Andy got us seats on a city tour bus where the commentator told us what was coming up rather than what we were seeing, adding to Donna´s problems with his accent. The bus stops made it clear that Belfast was no place to be during the "Troubles." We were told that the city is safe, but the streets did not look it. There were flags everywhere with the colours indicating whether it was Protestant or Catholic territory. Even the curbs were painted red, white, and blue - or orange, green, and white. Police stations were armed camps with razor wire along the tops of walls.

There was a big physical wall between flashpoints. The wall started one level high, but then people added two more levels to "stop kids from throwing things over the top. Pat saw it as a new Berlin Wall. There were ugly murals with threatening words and pictures on many walls, all illegal of course, but portraying dead heroes and armed men. At this time, it was easier for police to ignore the murals than to risk a riot by removing them.

Then we went into St. Anne´s, a Protestant cathedral with unusual and attractive mosaics. Apparently the church invites people of any faith to come in and say a prayer for peace. Very nice. However, further into the church there were numerous flags hanging high along the side aisles. Lots of flags. We were left with the hope that the peace would hold somehow. The bus tour then showed us Stormount, the Irish parliament, with a long stretch of road, interesting street lights, and greenery leading uphill to the building itself.

To be continued.

ED. NOTE: For some of Lyle´s pictures, go to http://members.shaw.ca/vjjsansum/

Gerrit deLeeuw shares this example of

HELPFUL OLDER GUYS

I was in Costco the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I´m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn´t paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That´s OK. It´s a coincidence. I´m looking for my wife, too. I can´t find her and I´m getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, and she´s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn´t matter - let´s look for yours."

Older guys are helpful like that.

Catherine Nesbitt forwards these examples of how

THE RECESSION HITS EVERYONE

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO´s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient funds", you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald´s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children´s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn´t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, climate change, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Rafiki sends this one:

WHAT WOMEN WANT

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur´s youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur it seemed an impossible query. But since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch´s proposition to have an answer by year´s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch - only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he´d have to accept her price first: she wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur´s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises.... He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur´s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur´s question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur´s life would be spared. And so it was. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a Wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he´d ever seen lay before him.

The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she´d appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

The moral of this story is: If a woman doesn´t get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

Our good friend Dick Monaghan, whom we lost last year, sent this post back in 2009:

...AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What´s on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started....

~~~~~~~

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started....

~~~~~~~

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive ... so I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started....

~~~~~~~

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "she´s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split upthose many years ago, and I hear she hasn´t been sober since."

"My God!" said my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started....

~~~~~~~

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I´ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren´t you worried about the mad cow?"""Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

~~~~~~~

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees andsays to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight´s damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

~~~~~~~

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

~~~~~~~

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

And that´s when the fight started....

~~~~~~~

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o´clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Holy crap! That must be my husband!"

So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"

And that´s when the fight started....

~~~~~~~

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven´t been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that´s when the fight started....

~~~~~~~

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn´t even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I´d like to phone a friend."

And that´s when the fight started....

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Bruce Galway sends the URL for the first computer animation of the old Roadrunner cartoons, "Coyote Falls", for the grandkids, or for those who fondly remember the original coyote and roadrunner:

Catherine Green suggests this video of a gutsy underwater trainer feeding - and petting - sharks:

Catherine Nesbitt sends this link to a video of Nazis discussing bike lanes in Vancouver:

Tony Lewis suggests this site for those who have nostalgic memories of the jive era, by a British group called the Jive Aces. There is familiar music and jiving by very talented dancers:

A number of communities have started printing their own money, which is accepted by local businesses, with the objective of increasing local buying:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACV0pAmWTHE

Salt Spring Island, off Vancouver, with a population of 10,000, has also launched a local currency, the Salt Spring Island dollars:

You have probably read about the tax cuts handed out to banks, oil companies, and other highly profitable corporations by the Harper government, and his plans to provide even more tax cuts if re- elected. To sign a petition calling for a stop to corporate tax cuts, go to

What was the greatest invention of the industrial revolution? Hans Rosling makes the case for the washing machine. With newly designed graphics from Gapminder, Rosling shows us the magic that pops up when economic growth and electricity turn a boring wash day into an intellectual day of reading:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which changes daily, go to

http://members.shaw.ca/vjjsansum/freedictionarytestpageV2.html