Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2011-31

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Anaise Bourbon writes more about her impressions of Egypt
• Pat Moore forwards an example of male logic
• Rafiki tells of a woman with foresight
• Ron McVey sends some conversations with customer service personnel
• Catherine Nesbitt and Tom Telfer forward a steamy interlude
• Catherine Green reminds us of old-time Jewish comics and their jokes
• Sites are recommended by Bruce Galway, Catherine Green, Catherine Nesbitt, and Marilyn Magid

Anaise Bourbon continues her observations about

EGYPT

There is no middle word between love and hate in Arabic here and in many of the Arabic countries. People either LOVE you, or their dinner, or new shirt, or they HATE you, or their dinner, or their new shirt. This is something I wish people outside of this part of the world understood, as it would help a lot in foreign and domestic relations. Someone might say they HATE the West and - if they are not fundamentalists and really do - they may mean. "There are some aspects of Western culture which I don´t care for." When I was first getting to know Egyptians I thought they were pouring insincere syrup all over me with their effusiveness. They weren´t. That´s just how they speak here - to each other and to strangers. And believe me, if you get on their bad side, you will hear things you think are grossly unfair and uncalled for. But the same rule applies.

If you go into a fancy restaurant or hotel bathroom, don´t use the hand towels. My friend did and now has a cringe-moment which will last a lifetime. One of the things in short supply here is paper (but not water). Quite sensibly, the toilets have a bidet built into them. That row of towels is for use afterwards.

*Nothing* is wasted. There is no recycling of the garbage here because it is done by the garbage pickers. Last night I saw them sorting out all the plastic bottles, which they will sell to knock- off places who will re-fill and label them.

"Arabic" is to the Mid-East (people class any Muslim country, including Egypt, which is obviously in Africa, as Mid-Eastern) what Latin was to Medieval Europe. Egyptians speak Egyptian, Jordanians speak Jordanian, and so forth. People from these countries will not understand each others´ languages. Most will probably understand spoken Arabic, and for sure, if they can read, written Arabic.

The reason people who can read know their written Arabic is because one is only considered to have read the Koran if it´s been read in Arabic - no knowledge of translations in an other language need apply.

Except for basic words like please, thank you, yes and no, don´t try to speak the local language unless you are relatively fluent. The mistakes you will make will haunt you here. For a big city, it´s a small town as far as people knowing you goes, and it´s not as if you can "blend". For example, the word for "pyramid" and "forbidden" is the same, but is pronounced ever-so-slightly differently. You really, really don´t want to offer someone some money so you can tour the "Harem".

Women don´t smoke cigarettes in public here. However, if you go down to the markets you will see very glamorous women in full coverage dresses but minus the face veil at tea houses toking away at a "shisha" (which is a large hookah with multiple hoses and mouthpieces) with their friends. If you smoke, it may look inviting and it smells divine - a bit like incense. However, unless you want the experience of smoking 10 packs of cigarettes in a few minutes, give it a miss.

If you give something to that sweet begging child who seems alone, suddenly 30 more will appear. They send out the ones who will get the most sympathy as the advance people. You will feel as if your heart is made of stone, but you must not respond - or if you do, hope you have Warren Buffet´s bank account because there are levels of living here you cannot imagine on a large scale, and if you give to one, you must give to all.

People live at night here a lot. I had no idea there were so many small stores around until I went for walks at night and saw them suddenly lit up. It is perfectly ordinary and safe for a single woman to be walking to the store at 3:00 a.m., as long as she is dressed properly and looks purposive. No one will bother her. If you are a Western woman, it is better to go out with a man you are related to, even if you are dressed modestly. It is a wrong but general assumption here that Western women are sexually promiscuous. Mind, having got used to the local modes of dress, then seeing a Western woman dressed in what would be considered O.K. in summer in many parts of the world has started to draw even *my* attention. I find myself not condemning, but feeling rather sorry that she looks so out of place and doesn´t know it. Also, it shows a terrible lack of respect for the local culture. Good rule: Speak with your eyes, not your thighs.

Having written that about Western dress, many Egyptian women, so long as they have their heads, arms and legs covered, wear the most skin-tight hoochie momma clothes one can imagine. It´s a bit of a shock, this modesty disconnect. But I´d give tight clothes here a miss anyway - much too hot (at least in summer).

If a middle-aged or older woman should ask you (but they would only if they knew you), "Does my butt look big in this dress?", the correct answer would be something along the lines of, "Butt? I thought you had a chest of drawers hidden in there! Your butt looks so wonderfully big in that dress you will put other women to shame for their lack of a good figure. I wonder if I eat more candy if someday *I* can have a figure like yours - I am so envious!"

To be continued.

Pat Moore forwards an example of

MALE LOGIC

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Rafiki forwards this tale which shows that

WOMEN THINK OF EVERYTHING

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practised magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone´s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as though there were no tomorrow.

Her neighbour, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren´t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.

"And you know men won´t ask for directions."

Ron McVey forwards these examples of conversations which are claimed to be actual calls, which is highly unlikely, but they are funny anyway:

ACTUAL CALL CENTRE CONVERSATIONS

Customer: "I´ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can´t get through to enquiries. Can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."
Operator: "Sir, they are our operating hours."

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I´m sorry, sir; I don´t understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone jack on the wall."

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: "Doesn´t the product name give you a clue?"

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France: "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I´d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please."
Operator: "I"m sorry, there"s no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ´B´ fell off."

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That´s what it says on the label; ´Woven in Scotland´.´"

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:"I haven´t got a pen, so I´m steaming up the window to write the number on."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point.?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write ´click´ and I wrote ´click´."

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ´OK´ button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"

Catherine Nesbitt and Tom Telfer both forwarded this excerpt from an updated

HARLEQUIN NOVEL

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn´t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking ´No´ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay ma´am, you can board your flight now."

Catherine Green asks if we remember the

JEWISH COMEDIANS OF VAUDEVILLE DAYS

They included Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, and many others.

And there was not a single swearword in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I´ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she´ll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she´s making love? "Honey, I´m home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won´t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn´t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The doctor called Mrs. Cohen, saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You´ll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don´t answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You´ve been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let´s get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They´re worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don´t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I´ve been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven´t eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That´s terrible. Why haven´t you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn´t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in a play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don´t bother. I´ll sit in the dark. I don´t want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let´s eat.

Now that was good humour!

RECOMMENDED WEBSITES

We have seen this before, but it is well worth watching again: Bruce Galway forwards the URL for a video of a group of high school students playing silent monks "singing" the Hallelujah Chorus:

On the same site you will see links to many videos of other choirs which have been inspired to emulate the original idea.

Catherine Green forwards a link to a video of penguins in the Antarctic, which illustrates the amazing adaptation of these sometimes-ungainly birds to a harsh environment:

Catherine Nesbitt suggests this site for a video of a Pakistani orchestra´s rendition of Dave Brubek´s Take Five, which a note in the comments claims is Brubek´s favourite version of the piece:

For a video of Dave Brubek Quartet´s version of Take Five from 1961, go to

Marilyn Magid recommends this ad from the UK about cats with thumbs, a very funny video which has gone viral:

Plenty of robots can fly - but none can fly like a real bird. That is, until Markus Fischer and his team at Festo built SmartBird, a large, lightweight robot, modeled on a seagull, that flies by flapping its wings. A soaring demo fresh from TEDGlobal 2011:

On the same subject, this video shows the robotic gull flying outdoors, where it attracts the attention of wild gulls:

They make an unlikely trio, but Baloo the bear, Leo the lion, and Shere Khan the tiger have forged an unusually strong bond. Rescued eight years ago during a police drugs raid in Atlanta, Georgia, the three friends were only cubs at the time, barely two months old. Delivered to the Noah´s Ark Animal Rescue Centre in Locust Grove, Georgia, the decision was made to keep the youngsters together, because of their budding rapport. Living with the zoo´s founders for the past eight years, Shere Khan, Baloo and Leo have now moved to a purpose-built habitat where the US public can now witness first hand their touching relationships:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which changes daily, go to