Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2011-32

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Anaise Bourbon writes about the societal norms of Cairo
• Dick Monaghan wrote this article about warnings in 2006
• Tom Williamson answers questions about pregnancy
• Catherine Nesitt gives hints for understanding engineers
• Bruce Galway forwards the ten commandments of marriage
• Pat Moore sends the story of a five-year-old´s first job
• Sites are recommended by Catherine Nesbitt, Marilyn Magid, Nevil Horsfall, and Pat Moore

Anaise Bourbon shares her do´s and don´ts of Cairo in

EGYPT

Someone asks you if you would like to go to some special place, but you are not feeling up to it, and feeling like an ingrate, have to say no. They respond, "Don´t worry. I didn´t want to; I was just being polite." Don´t be offended. They have a kind of brutal honesty here that takes getting used to (but remember, it cuts both ways - I haven´t got that far yet.)

You go to an up-scale mall and have to pass through the kind of security (scanner and all) you would at an airport. Don´t take umbrage. They do that to make people coming to the mall feel special. Egyptians are security conscious to an alarming degree. One can see a small wooden shanty on the side of the road with an eight-foot wall around it, the price of which could have built them a really nice little shop.

You have to enter a local as opposed to Western mall. You must first go to a counter, where they will seal everything you are carrying into a big plastic bag. This *is* for the store´s security. Don´t take it personally, or feel intruded upon.

You are expecting guests for dinner and you realize you don´t have the main course. Don´t panic. You can get a fabulous dinner delivered. A friend and I had a full grilled chicken dinner with all the trimmings for a very small price. It cost us $2.50 for the full two-person meal. Your guests don´t care and will feel you are doing your hospitality duties well. Hospitality is *very* important here.

You are out shopping and something nice but expensive catches your eye. Your hosts will ask you if you would like it. Don´t say yes. People will put themselves in debt to please friends and guests.

When you are eating at someone´s place, they will keep offering you food until you begin to feel the size of a planet. Don´t be afraid to say no and really mean it. A Canadian friend of mine when he first arrived made the mistake of being too polite to refuse and nearly ate himself to death. Another time they were being served breakfast and he didn´t refuse the offers of more, and later he heard his host asking someone if he could lend him some money because my friend had eaten all the breakfast food in the house and the guy didn´t have enough money to buy more. How embarrassing!

Don´t try to be clever and debate religion. Just about everything important here is based on the Koran, which is the unquestioned true word of God. The people here do not question the precepts which they began absorbing with their mothers´ milk. Everything in the Koran is literally true and there is *no* room for doubt. For everybody - for you too. Remember, remember, remember this.

Do try the local food (except raw greens and salads). It is wonderful. Also, buy locally and don´t get ripped off paying Western prices, which will be inflated wildly above what is charged in the West anyway.

Always bring your hosts a gift. As prestige is very important here, bring something with a Western label if you can, but *not* if it´s made in China. (Good luck with that!)

Remember that at night, your lights are on and people can see in if you have no curtains, or are on the balcony. If you are a woman, do wear a scarf at best, but always, always cover your cleavage. No exceptions.

Do make as many Egyptian friends and acquaintances as possible. You don´t have to avoid the ex-pat community, but so far they seem a timid bunch to me and full of dire prognostications and judgements. Not all of them, just a lot of them. Also, If you don´t speak the language, you will get ripped off.

Do try to learn some Arabic, especially Egyptian. If you walk the walk and at least *try* and talk the talk, you will be embraced.

Do seek medical help if you need it. Cairo has some of the best medical clinics and trained doctors in the world. But if you need help fast and can only get to a local clinic that looks dodgy - don´t worry. My Canadian friend got the best help he could have from one of these places.

Do eat with your right hand if possible. Heh.

Do ask a local person what´s happening politically today (remember, the revolution is still going on and probably will for years). The international news is seriously skewed. My friends were ON the 6th of October bridge during the first stage of the revolution, and the bridge was grid-locked with cars full of people taking pictures. My Egyptian friend´s father phoned him and warned him about the "thousands of people" crammed onto the bridge protesting. Um, no. They were stuck in the grid lock of camera-clickers for two hours but nary a protester nor counter cop did they see. That didn´t stop international news teams from reporting and photo-shopping a bridge full of angry protesters. Do follow the local warnings, but ask a local.

Do forget all the crap movies you´ve seen about Egypt. I´ve seen no scorpions or snakes, and precious few insects.

Do enjoy yourself. Do be open minded and unafraid to blend. People are people everywhere. If you set yourself apart, then apart you will be, and it´s a lonely place in such a populous city to be alone.

To be continued.

Dick Monaghan wrote this article some years ago:

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE...

Lecturing children is not what it once was. When we visited my grandmother´s house during The Great Depression, the children were required to listen to instructive lay sermons administered by aunts and uncles.

Especially my uncle Leo, whose breath could age cheese. Whatever Leo nipped on out in the woodshed had not been manufactured with the permission of any government. The younger children got the usual admonitions against cigarettes and booze, despite Leo´s breath, which was even richer for having sucked in unfiltered Camels since the age of 10.

The teenagers were given guidance about money and driving:

"Remember to get your arm all the way out the window when you signal, and don´t forget the arm is straight out for a left turn, and straight up from the elbow for a right turn, and straight down from the elbow if you want the guy behind you to slow down...." Turn signals, side mirrors, seat belts and airbags had yet to be invented.

Sex and anything connected with it was a taboo, but I did find it interesting that only the boys were allowed to sit on Leo´s lap. I thought for a number of years this was just another prerogative reserved for the superior male sex, but I found out from a female cousin that the girls´ mothers thought Leo was "funny." "Funny," in that house and time was not a compliment and had nothing to do with humour. Leo was lucky that the police and social workers were not involved. People then thought it was wiser to keep some things within the family.

My estrangement from Leo had nothing to do with the outskirts of perversion, however. Leo lied to me. Someone had given me a wind-up phonograph and a record of Carson Robinson singing "The Wreck of the Old 97" on one side and "The Prisoner´s Song" on the other. Leo promised he would get a part and fix my record player, but he never did, and I never forgave him. I did learn to appreciate his having introduced me to an unsavoury aspect of the real world, but he was long dead by then.

Recently it was my turn to do a little lecturing, despite the schools having taken over many of the topics that lend themselves to instruction. (We now have drivers´ ed., sex ed., and school counsellors.) My granddaughters are 10 and 16, and they just got a new computer, which lead me to the following:

"If you get an e-mail from a man who says he lives in Nigeria or South Africa, and knows where he can lay his hands on something like twenty-five million dollars, if only you´ll help him by depositing it in your bank account, because he can´t touch it otherwise - don´t answer the letter...."

"Oh, grampa!" the older girl said, shaking her head at the absolute balderdash the old man was dishing out. "Who would be silly enough to fall for something like that!"

"Well," I said, "according to the paper, a dentist was out $100,000; a woman lost $70,000; and an entire town council down in Oregon nearly gambled the city´s resources on this scam."

"Why is it a scam?"

"Because they will promise you to share a significant part of that twenty-five million or whatever, but you have to keep putting up ´expense´ money, or pay ´fees´ or bribes, or whatever. As soon as they have bled you dry, they disappear and you´re out your money."

"I can´t believe there are people so stupid they would believe a complete stranger is going to write you a letter and let you share in a big bunch of money...."

"That´s because you´re a sensible girl and haven´t yet learned the power of greed...."

Uncle Leo had it easy, telling young people how to signal for turns.

Tom Williamson ventures into perilous territory:

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I´m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby´s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she´s
borderline irrational.
A: So what´s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it´s not pain I´ll feel during
labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you´re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby´s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Catherine Nesbitt forwards these hints for

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ´Take what you want.´" The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: the clothes probably wouldn´t have fit you anyway."

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What´s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don´t know, but I´ve never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let´s have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What´s wrong with that group ahead of us? They´re rather slow, aren´t they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That´s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That´s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I´m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there´s anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can´t they play at night?"

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Normal people believe that if it ain´t broke, don´t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain´t broke, it doesn´t have enough features yet.

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I´ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I´ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I´ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I´ve told you I´m a beautiful princess and that I´ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won´t you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I´m an engineer. I don´t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that´s cool."

Bruce Galway forwards these

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Commandment 1: Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3: Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least a 100 grand!

Commandment 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens; in the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens; in the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9: Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10: A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Pat Moore forwards this story of

A FIVE-YEAR-OLD´S FIRST JOB

Here´s a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little five-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family´s five-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother, who suggested that she take the ten dollars "pay" she´d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious!" said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe´s ever deliver the damn sheet rock."

RECOMMENDED WEBSITES

This site recommended by Catherine Nesbitt, which shows a jet boat skimming at speed through the narrow Shotover Canyon in New Zealand, illustrates my contention that you don´t have to be crazy to do this, but it helps:

Nevil Horsfall forwards the URL for a panoramic view from Mount Everest:

Marilyn Magid sends this link to remarkable close-up photographs which reveal for the first time the incredible beauty of ordinary sand. Viewed at a magnification of over 250 times real life, the grains are shown to be delicate, colourful structures, each as unique as a snowflake:

Pat Moore forwards a link to a video of a kitten hunting scary apples:

Lovers of Verdi´s music will find a number of videos of performances of his music at

In our louder and louder world, says sound expert Julian Treasure, "We are losing our listening." In this short, fascinating talk, Treasure shares five ways to re-tune your ears for conscious listening - to other people and the world around you:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which changes daily, go to