Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2011-35

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Anaise Bourbon goes shopping at a mall in Egypt
• Carol Shoemaker and Pat Moore write to us
• Bruce Galway´s story is about foreign languages
• Carol Shoemaker tells a tale of lost opportunities
• Catherine Nesbitt forwards a dreadful pun
• Pat Moore sends a story that will make women cringe in sympathy
• Tom Telfer shares some signs that you are growing older
• Sites are recommended by Betty Fehlhaber, Carol Hansen, and Pat Moore

Anaise Bourbon writes about an experience in Egypt:

(Click on any image to enlarge to full size)

WE GO TO THE HYPER ONE

Which is not a Ritalin stand, but a local mall.

One of our party decides it´s still too hot to walk (33 degrees) and hails what I *thought* was just an odd kind of taxi. Imagine a van that´s been squished to about eight feet long, and as usual, seats like an army jeep and no seat belts. Our friend hands up fare for seven people, although there are only three of us. Apparently this is a bus, not a taxi, but you can pay the driver not to pick up any more passengers. I hold onto whatever I can find because they drive the limit here. Note: there is no limit. If I wasn´t hyper before I got there, I was by the time we were. Wishing fervently to preserve one´s life can do that to you.

I still can´t get used to going out shopping at 10:00 at night, though it appears that most of this part of Cairo is rocking the mall. One of the reasons we are going is to get me an Egyptian phone. The cell phones are the same brands, but with the show of a passport, one can get Egyptian rates, which break down to about one-seventh of a cent per minute. That´s my kind of rates!

Of course it takes forever, but we amuse ourselves enjoying the air conditioning and watching a documentary on a big plasma screen TV that has chosen a mash-up of Adele songs to accompany the tragedy of those who got crisped when Mt. St. Helens blew her top. They´ve mashed it to a disco beat, and "unclear on the concept of the show" occurs to us.

Scarf slip at perfume stand

Since we are at the mall, I take the opportunity to go to the clothes section of the supermarket to get a long-sleeved shirt. With it I can increase my wearable wardrobe by four items, as I have a lovely abaya and stuff I can´t wear because they have short sleeves. Maybe bingo- arms throw men into states of sexual frenzy. Go figure.

I´m so tired of looking like an former Eastern Block refugee I´m desperate. The clothes here are cheap, but I still want good-cheap, not shoddy-cheap. I also need a scarf that isn´t so heavy it requires a re-breather to wear in the heat, so I examine the sale stand scarves, holding them up to the light to look for tears.

I suddenly notice I´m being surrounded by Ninja ladies and stealth babushkas. They see my obviously Western face and ask my friend if I am a Muslim. The best answer (and really, the only one, because the obvious one will get you shunned) is "Maybe." All the women are very helpful and push the most hideous shirts at me that look like something from a 1950s "sock hop" movie. No, they are not being unkind. They LOVE all things colourful here and look a little askance when my friend explains I want a plain colour.

Reason for scarf slip - read the labels

I am now completely surrounded and being invited to the Cairo equivalent of coffee-klatches and family dinners. I feel panic rising in me. My friend says I am being "courted" because of my "maybe Muslim" status, but I know that women everywhere can spot a hot bargain shopper, especially after they have heard me berate my male friend for the high price of something. Berating menfolk for domestic incompetence is an honourable pasttime among the women here. Too hot for crochet, after all.

They didn´t need to speak English to see me pointing at the price tag and then indicating with my hand that the price was way too high. This little group was broken up finally by the male clerk. It is rare to almost unknown to see a female clerk or cashier here. Not because they can´t, but because they won´t. And the man has to save face by showing he is the clerk who knows about the clothes. I wanted cotton, so he scuttled off to find some long-sleeved cotton shirts, and did find the right style but the colours! I said (In English) to my friend that the style was right, but did he have something in plain blue or purple that was not so butt-ugly? Then the clerk said "Sorry, we don´t have them in blue." Oops. Never assume you are the only one who speaks a language in foreign land.

But finally the deeds are done. I have found a shirt (I was tempted by a nighty that had "Happy New Your" on the front!) and some light head scarves.

Then it was time for the men´s wear department. One of my friends needs new shirts desperately but will only wear two colours and also, he is larger than the average Egyptian, quite tall and slim. They could not find a size that fit his size and his height. The clerk was a broken man when we left as he kept looking at my tall friend, looking at his shirts, and shaking his head. He finally gave the address of a tailor somewhere in Cairo.

Apparently my tall friend is well known at the Hyper One and people waved to him and nodded. He is known as the "Movie Star". Some may still think he is an Eastern star he´s been mistaken for often, and some may be just be a little, hmm, awed by his pale tallness. Whatever, we got a great reception. I will not ask what I am becoming known as. Probably that "cheap bland woman from the former U.S.S.R."

I startled myself by backing into a mannikin that was wearing a suit so black an undertaker would adore it, and white rubber boots. It had no hands; its legs were positioned in clog-dancing position; and it had creepy long lashes.

When advertising misses its target demographic

When the name means nothing, just choose one

No, organic food doesn't make you pale like that lady

We regretfully left the air conditioning and walked home via the juice bar. The waiter said that because we were such good customers, he would advise us which fruits were best today. I got a drink made with ice and dates. I know, it sounds weird but it was heaven. The dates here are different - they have a taste between chocolate and dates and make a fantastic smoothy.

I didn´t want to out tonight, but I´m glad I did. It gets mentally more surreal all the time. It never fails to astonish me, but I get - emotionally? - more comfortable.

I have decided not to go to Alexandria tomorrow because it´s humid as well as hot there. So I shall be alone here (hence the need of a phone). My friends are worried about me, but after months of living other people´s lives, so to speak, the idea of a few days alone with a book and nothing to do but try to stay cool and learn more Arabic sounds good. Sure, it´s a little scary being alone in a place where if there is an emergency you have to give directions by landmarks, as there are no real addresses, and of course there is the "Persistent Revolution" (as they have named it). I only hope my friends don´t get stuck in Alex (it´s even called Alex in the papers here) and that nothing goes wrong. But I have to try sometime, and if things get too weird, I can always hail a Mach 3 cab to the Hyper One and find those ladies again. Heh.

ED. NOTE: For pictures of the mall, go to http://members.shaw.ca/ vjjsansum/ or

http://nw-seniors.org/stories.html

CORRESPONDENCE

Carol Shoemaker writes from somewhere in California: The beach in the Coolest Dog in the World video in last week´s issue is where I live, and so do those dogs. I do not live on the ocean front, but do have a glimpse of the ocean from my deck.

Pat Moore writes: I am loving Anaise Bourbon´s "Impressions of Egypt". Please pass along my compliments for her very interesting and insightful story.

Bruce Galway forwards this story about

FOREIGN LANGUAGES

A Swiss tourist who was lost asked two British men for directions while they were abroad:

"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" he asked, and when that got no response he then asked, "Parlez vous Francais?" Again no response, so he made the same enquiry in Spanish and Italian. Still no reply, so finally he walked away in disgust.

One of the two British men watched him walk off and said to his friend, "You know, we really should learn a foreign language."

"Whatever for?" said the other. "That guy knew four and it didn´t do him any good."

Carol Shoemaker forwards another version of

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

A married couple was travelling by car from Victoria to Calgary. Being seniors, after many hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room in Kamloops. But they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.

The man exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He told the clerk although it was a nice hotel, the room certainly wasn´t worth $350 for four hours. Then the clerk told him that $350 was the standard rate. The man insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared, listened to him, and then explained that the hotel had an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for use.

"But we didn´t use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. He went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel was famous. "We have the bestentertainers from Vancouver, Merritt, and Calgary perform here."

"But we didn´t go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn´t use it!"

The manager was unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn´t have the cheque book, he asked his wife to write the cheque. She did and gave it to the manager.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But ma´am, this is only made out for $50."

"That´s correct. I charged you $300 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn´t!" exclaimed the manager.

"Well, too bad; I was here, and you could have."

Don´t mess with senior citizens. They didn´t get there by being stupid!

ED. NOTE: Or should that read, "Don´t mess with older women"?

Catherine Nesbitt sends this groaner:

THE GIRL AT THE BEACH

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk on the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn´t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing - she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn´t know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn´t, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she´s really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she´s not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She´s a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes!" he replied.

"She sells C cells down by the seashore!"

Pat Moore forwards this story which we have heard before but which women will enjoy reading again:

JUSTIFIABLE ASSAULT

While conducting some business at the court house, I overheard a woman, who had been arrested for assaulting a mammogram technician, say, "Your Honour, I´m guilty but ... there were extenuating circumstances."

The female judge said, sarcastically, "I´d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too so, I listened as the woman told her story.

"Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, ´Hi! I´m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?´

"I´m thinking, ´Belinda, try decaf. This ain´t rocket science.´ Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

"With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, ´Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?´ Fine, I answered.

"I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two four-inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

"Complete darkness, the power was off!

"Belinda said, ´Uh-oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.´ Then she headed for the door.

"´Excuse me! You´re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?´ I shouted.

"Belinda kept going and said, ´Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door´s wide open so you´ll have the emergency hall lights. I´ll be right back.´

"Before I could shout NOOOO! she disappeared. And that´s exactly how Bubba and Earl, ´maintenance men extraordinaire´ found me ... half- naked with part of me dangling from the jaws of life and the other part smashed between glass!

"After exchanging a polite Hi, how´s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

"Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, ´Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.´

"´OK, you take care now,´ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I´d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

"Two hours later, Belinda breezed in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, ´Oh, I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?´

"And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, "Case dismissed."

Just in case you hadn´t noticed, Tom Telfer sends these indications:

SIGNS YOU´RE GETTING OLD

You´re asleep, but others worry that you´re dead.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You´re proud of your lawn mower.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You enjoy hearing about other people´s operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

The end of your tie doesn´t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can´t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you´re referring to someone´s lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for The Weather Channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbours don´t even realize it.

You find yourself smiling at this list.

RECOMMENDED SITES

Betty Fehlhaber forwards the URL for a site which gives you a tour of Vancouver through bubble views. On the left of the screen, scroll down to see all the choices:

Carol Hansen recommends this BBC site which is unfailingly amusing:

Pat Moore sends this link to an amazing, constantly-changing map of the Middle East region, illustrating how various empires have risen and fallen in the past 3000 years, all in just 90 seconds:

Pat also suggests this site for a demonstration of Scott Walker´s Rolling through the Bay, a hobby that has already consumed hundreds of hours:

After reading a report about the plastic trash in our oceans, eco- adventurer and youngest heir to the Rothchild banking fortune, David De Rothchild launched the Plastiki project to raise awareness about the catastrophe of single-use plastics.

In March 2010, the "Plastiki" sailed on a voyage from San Francisco, arriving in Sydney, Australia, four months later. It is made from 12,500 bottles and other recycled PET plastic and waste products, and runs on solar and wind power, with electricity-generating bicycles.

On the CBC´s Market Place, Erica Johnson investigates one of the country´s fastest-growing alternative health treatments: homeopathy. Canada´s leading consumer program takes a long hard look at the theories, and the remedies. For the first time in Canada, a test of homeopathic medicines is conducted, investigating the science behind these so-called medicines. Johnson met with a rep from the world´s leading manufacturer of homeopathic medicines, who admits that even the company says how homeopathty works is a mystery:

In view of the attacks on Canadian computer access and the proposed sharing of personal information by servers with government organization, OpenMedia.ca has launched a campaign to ensure the freedom of the internet. They are working on growing their pro- internet community, and ask that you sign up, and encourage your friends and family to do the same. Check it out:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which changes daily, go to