Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2011-37

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Mike Yeager writes about the challenges confronting returning soldiers
• Catherine Nesbitt forwards a hurricane warning applicable to any disaster
• Tom Williamson sends a list of little-known "facts"
• ;Pat Moore´s story is a feminine version of a fishing tale
• Catherine Green forwards the story of a rabbi taking confession
• Sites are recommended by Bruce Galway, Carol Hansen, Catherine Nesbitt, Kate Brookfield, Pat Moore, and Zvonko Springer

Mike Yeager writes in his blog (http:// www.aretiredboomer.blogspot.com) about

A FAMILIAR BURDEN OF WAR VETERANS

We´re enjoying being in Seattle again. I am more familiar with and more comfortable in Seattle than any other large city. I´ve only actually lived here a few times. The first time was in 1975. I had graduated from the University of Oregon the year before with a BA in General Social Science. This was a wonderful program that allowed me to take a wide variety of courses, but provided me with absolutely no specific skills or knowledge directly applicable to the job market.

So after graduating, I accepted a job in a factory that produced irrigation systems. I did a variety of bone weary menial tasks, but after about six months, I wanted out. I quit and moved from Eugene to Seattle. By this time I had been out of the Army for five years. College had provided a sanctuary away from the everyday world that I was having trouble relating to. Vietnam had changed me. I was confused, angry and traumatized by what I had experienced there. But this side was hidden way down deep under a "normal, nice guy" persona.

In Seattle I got a job as a taxi driver for Yellow Cab on the evening shift. Through map reading and much trial and error, I learned my way around the city. I enjoyed driving a cab most of the time and fell right into the role. My hair was long and my uniform was a tee-shirt, jeans, and leather jacket. I worked off the "extra-board". I´d go in well before the shift started, sign my name on the board and wait my turn for the next available taxi. This allowed me to work when I needed money and take time off whenever I wanted.

I bought a 500cc Honda and rode it into work. On days off, and when the weather permitted, I took long rides up into the mountains.

As a cabbie I became familiar with the underbelly of Seattle. In the dark of night, I transported well-dressed, middle-aged men to seedy hotels and apartment buildings where they found drugs and prostitutes. Sometimes they paid me to wait outside. I felt more comfortable in this world than the daylight social world of relationships and commerce. I needed an element of danger in my life to feel alive. I was part of the city and I drove my cab fast and with aggression.

I picked up a fare in White Center, south of Seattle. I took the young man to an address on Capital Hill. He said he didn´t have any money and quickly got out of the cab. I got out too, went around the big car and stood in his way. "You knew you didn´t have any money and still let me drive you all this way?"

"That´s right man; now get the fuck out of my way."

I grabbed his coat and slammed him up against the cab. I didn´t say anything. Looking into his eyes, I saw fear. He could tell I wanted to kill him and he was getting ready to die. With adrenaline strength, I held him this way for what seemed like a long time, but finally backed away.

"Get the hell out of here." And he shuffled off.

This was the first time I´d experienced a part of me that I now call "the angry vet". I would have many opportunities to get familiar with this part over the next 40 years.

I got a second job at The Fish & Chip Company in Leschi on the western shore of Lake Washington. One day as I was starting my cab shift, I drove to the restaurant to pick up my first pay check. While walking back to the cab, a car slowed down and a guy thrust a pistol out the passenger side window and yelled, "Hey, asshole!" and fired directly at me. I hit the ground. I wasn´t hit. Before taking the time to think, I jumped up, slid into the cab and took out after the car. They realized I was after them and tried to lose me.

It was a high-speed chase along the lake and then back into the residential area. My cab was a huge Plymouth Fury. It drove and handled like a barge. In pursuit, I sideswiped a parked car. They were in a black Mercedes, much quicker and more agile. They ditched me in the maze of suburban streets, so I pulled over to the side of the road and turned off the engine. My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I sat there for the longest time until finally breaking down into tears, huge guttural sobs. What was I going to do if I caught up with them? I didn´t have a weapon. The "angry vet" doesn´t think very clearly before acting. I would have charged right at them, even if their guns were blazing away.

Many of the Vietnam veterans I worked with as a counselor avoided a variety of everyday social situations. They would tell me that these situations made them uncomfortable. A big part of that uncomfortable feeling was their fear that the hidden "angry vet" would be triggered by someone and if it was, they were afraid of what it might do. It´s a familiar and disabling burden of war veterans.

Being in Seattle this time is about visiting with friends and relatives, enjoying the August weather and taking in the beauty of the surrounding water and mountains. Some of those seedy areas I used to be familiar with, like Belltown, have been transformed into upscale condos and shops. I´ve noticed cab drivers around town and wonder what their lives are like.

ED. NOTE: According to the Veterans´ section in the Hunger Site (http://www.thehungersite.com/), there are 176,000 veterans seeking shelter on the streets on any given night in the US.

In view of all the recent news about hurricanes, this bulletin forwarded by Catherine Nesbitt is illuminating:

OFFICIAL SOUTH CAROLINA LAW ENFORCEMENT BULLETIN

URGENT - URGENT - URGENT

OFFICIAL SOUTH CAROLINA LAW ENFORCEMENT HURRICANE BULLETIN

(FOR IMMEDIATE DISSEMINATION STATEWIDE)

Warning to all South Carolina residents of a possible hurricane threat. The path of impending hurricane Irene is still unclear and may be a threat to our state. Although meteorologists are predicting landfall somewhere to the north of South Carolina, state emergency preparedness officials are making two basic but important points:

(1) There is no need to panic
(2) We could all be killed.

Hurricane season is an exciting time to be in South Carolina. If you´re new to the area, you´re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we´ll get hit by "the big one." Based on experience, we recommend that you follow this simple three- step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food, beer, and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in South Carolina.

We´ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS´ INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Carolina, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you´ll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I´m covered by the Bubba and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bubba and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and - if it´s a major hurricane - all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they´re cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they´re very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don´t have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low- lying area, look at your driver´s license; if it says "South Carolina," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don´t evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! South Carolina tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (We don´t know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it´s traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken pieces, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Hugo. After the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It´s great living in Paradise.

Tom Williamson asks

HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%. Now get this: The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world´s youngest parents were eight and nine and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. (ED: And if it has all four legs off the ground, you had better consult your doctor!)

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. (Ed: Some wag suggested that the longest sentence is "I do.")

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand.

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn´t spoil? A. Honey.

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father´s Day.

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

In Shakespeare´s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase, "Goodnight, sleep tight."

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

AND FINALLY: At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

ED. NOTE: As always, there is no guarantee of the validity of the "facts" in this list.

Pat Moore forwards the feminine version of a story about

THE GETAWAY WEEKEND

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls´ getaway trip: shopping, casinos, massages, facials....

Two days before the group is to leave, Mary´s husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn´t going.

Mary´s friends are very upset that she can´t go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the hotel, only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow! How long have you been here, and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I´ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said, ´Guess who?´

"I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles, and rose petals all over. On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, ´Now, you can do whatever you want.´

"So here I am."

Catherine Green sends this ecumenical story:

THE RABBI TAKES CONFESSION

A priest is called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he calls his rabbi friend from across the street and asks him to cover for him.

The rabbi tells him he wouldn´t know what to say, but the priest tells him to come on over and he´d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What did you do?"

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $50 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest:"How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $50 in the box, and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he´s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi:"What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week: three for $50."

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

This site suggested by Bruce Galway illustrates the kind of help I get from my cat when I am trying to work on the Spinner:

Carol Hansen sends this link to a prank played by two young women and two aged men:

Carol also suggests this site for a challenge to name the most commonly-used words in the English language. There are other games on the site also, all designed to stimulate our grey matter:

Catherine Nesbitt asks: Is Google wonderful, or what? Here´s a video of the perfect listener:

Kate Brookfield recommends this site: It´s not every day that you see a true classic car, let alone one still driven by its original owner. But after eight decades, Margaret Dunning still drives around town in her creamy 740 Packard roadster. Not only that but she also does regular maintenance on it like changing the oil and spark plugs. Not bad for a woman who´s 101 years old:

Pat Moore forwards this link to a video of senior jitterbugging in great style:

Pat also suggests this link that shows how big ships are launched:

Zvonko Springer sends this link to a performance on the Cirque de Soleil´s wheel of death:

Back-yard inventor in Newfoundland devises a way to store solar energy using recycled pop cans:

On May 2, 2011, the Copenhagen Philharmonic amazed commuters at the Copenhagen Central Train Station, as they created a kind of orchestral "flash mob" - performing Ravel´s famed Bolero, with the musicians gradually assembling in place as the work progresses. The video -which shows not only the assembling orchestra, but also the delighted faces of the commuters - has generated overwhelming interest, and indeed has exceeded the orchestra´s expectations:

Here is a heart-warming video of a mass adoption of cats rescued by the Humane Society:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which changes daily, go to