Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2012-04

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Joy Coetzee describes her South African homeland
• Betty Audet writes about a long-lived chair
• Jim Olson discusses the problem with selecting canes
• Zvonko Springer sends a story about seniors
• Bruce forwards a smart kid´s answers to exam questions
• Pat Moore shares a story about a Canadian blonde
• Don Henderson forwards some truly atrocious jokes
• Sites are suggested by Bruce, Carol Hansen, Catherine Nesbitt, Don, and Pat Moore

Joy Coetzee enthuses about

THE COUNTRY WHERE I LIVE

I live in South Africa...

Our time is two hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time, one hour ahead of Central European Time, and seven hours ahead of Eastern Standard Time, USA.

The Republic of South Africa lies at the southernmost tip of the African continent, flanked by the Indian Ocean on the east coast and the Atlantic on the west, and bordered by Namibia, Botswana, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, and Swaziland.

We do not refer to ourselves as the "Rainbow Nation" for nothing. Blacks, whites, Asians, and those of mixed origin all live here. This heterogeneous composition embodies a unique diversity of cultures, religions, languages, and lifestyles.

There are eleven official languages but currently English, Afrikaans, Zulu, and Sotho appear the most widely used and English is spoken and understood by many throughout the country. Many foreign languages are spoken in the larger hotels and shops.

The climate is generally sunny and temperate and the average number of sunshine hours each day is among the highest in the world. Winters are mild and clear, although occasional snowfalls occur on the higher mountain ranges of the Cape and Natal, causing brief cold spells in the surrounding areas. Over 40% of South Africa lies more than 1210m above sea level, and this factor exerts a significant influence on temperatures and rainfall in the interior of the country. The south- western Cape Province enjoys a Mediterranean-type climate (dry summers and winter rainfall), while on the whole, the remainder of the country experiences summer rainfall, mostly in the form of short afternoon thunderstorms. As the country lies in the southern hemisphere, seasons are the reverse of those prevailing in the northern hemisphere.

South Africa has an extraordinary wealth of flora and fauna. Some 22,000 species of flowering plants (of which 730 are classified as trees) are endemic to the country, and about 900 species of birds, representing 22 of the world´s living orders, are found here. Indigenous animals include many carnivores, as well as a large number and variety of antelope and other herbivores - the largest being the elephant. Among them, the country´s game parks preserve an amazing diversity of habitats to which different species have adapted over hundreds of thousands of years: desert and semi-desert, mountain, savannah, bushveld, temperate and subtropical, coast, lake, estuary and river. Apart from 22 major game reserves and national parks, there are several privately-owned sanctuaries. More than 100 wildlife sanctuaries have been proclaimed, where conservation is strictly enforced.

Accommodation varies from 5-star up-market luxury to rustic simplicity. The range encompasses hotels and holiday flats, guest farms, beach cottages, game park bungalows, and rondavels and camping and caravan parks. Standards and services are generally high.

South Africa´s fresh produce, meat, and wines are of superlative quality. Most restaurants offer English, French, and particularly in Natal, Indian dishes, while in the larger cities, a broad cosmopolitan selection is available. Many establishments specialize in traditional Italian, Chinese, Greek and Portuguese fare. Throughout the country there are restaurants which serve South African dishes such as sosaties (a type of kebab), bobotie (a curried Malay delicacy), various bredies (meat and vegetable casseroles), and seafood dishes, including a large variety of fresh deep-sea and line fish, cray fish (Cape rock lobster), langoustines, and oysters.

The vineyards of the Western Cape produce wines which rank among the finest in the world.

South Africa´s excellent road network encompasses 82,000 km of fully- tarred roads. Comprehensive tours of the country, taking in all major attractions (except game reserves), may be made without leaving the tarmac. A wide selection of reliable, up-to- date air, rail, and motor coach services, linking the major centres, are available, as are combined air and land tours. One of the world´s great luxury trains, the Blue Train, links Cape Town with Johannesburg and Pretoria.

Car and caravan hire firms operate in all cities and most of the smaller centres in major tourist areas.

And since I hope I have not bored you to tears but have actually pricked a little interest in our beautiful country, I think I should tell you how to visit us, too.

Getting to South Africa is no problem. South African Airways and other international airlines link this country with the Far East, Europe, Australia, and North and South America several times a week, arriving at Johannesburg, Durban, or Cape Town.

Winter and early spring, June to September, are particularly suitable for visiting the Kruger National Park and other game reserves, as well as the sub-tropical regions, including Durban, the Natal coastal resorts, and the Zululand game parks. Spring, summer and autumn are ideal for exploring Cape Town, the wine routes, and the coastal resorts of the south-western Cape. The wild flowers of the western and northern Cape are at their best in September and October, and the beaches of Natal and the Eastern Cape are enjoyed throughout the year.

Even in winter, daytime temperatures throughout the country are generally warm, and except in the sub-tropical regions, cool conditions are experienced at night and in the early morning. At game reserves, holiday resorts, and on tour, casual clothing is the order of the day, while at city hotels and restaurants, dress is more formal, especially in the evenings. To make the most of a visit to a game park, binoculars and cameras are a must.

After all that talk about food above I hope to have whet your appetite for some traditional South African cuisine, so next week I will give you the recipes for a few favourites for you to try out.

Betty Audet writes about

THE CHAIR

There are chairs that are very ordinary, chairs that have value, and chairs that have a history.

The chair I want to talk about set out in life as special horsehair chair. That tells you something of its period of origin. I believe it may have been bought in 1888, the year my grandparents married.

It was one of a set, but definitely the most imposing. I can imagine them being set around a dining room table with this armed chair at the head, awaiting the arrival of my grandfather and guests.

It was very sturdy. Its legs were carved. The wood outside the black horsehair was artistically decorated. The horsehair covered the seat, covered the padded arms and the back. But modern people regard horsehair as very uncomfortable.

By the time I remember it, the chair was already considered to have passed the prime of its life. The grandmother, who may once have been proud of it, was gone. Grandfather now had his youngest son and family living in his house. Newer-style furniture held the place of prominence.

The old set of chairs had been offered to his eldest son, who may have felt embarrassed by them and stored them in the barn. This chair and one other had probably been rescued from there, to be tucked into corners where a chair was needed. The small one served as a bedroom chair. This big one had been set by the radio in the far corner of the dining room for children who wanted to listen when the adults did not want to be disturbed.

It probably grew shoddier and shoddier through the depression, but during the war it was rejuvenated with a new covering. This covering was a mulberry-coloured plush with tiny black stripes. It certainly made the chair more comfortable. It continued its life as an odd chair in the corner of the dining room until eventually retirement time came and the adults of this family moved to a modern home. It moved to a basement near a big fireplace, and remained there until ill health meant another family move.

This time it was given to the eldest family daughter, who had recently married and was transferred some eighty miles to another old- fashioned home. When this home was redecorated, the mulberry plush began to look out of place and a new covering was needed. This time it was a blue and turquoise taffeta with a bit of black patterning. It sat proudly in that living room for more than thirty years. But again health problems suggested a move, and again the chair was passed on to new home with a nephew, in another old-fashioned house, and again it found a spot in a living room.

That chair has served four generations and should still have a life expectancy, although it may never have the life in a museum that a twin has had, still wearing its original horsehair.

Jim Olson wrote this article some years ago, and I appreciate it more now that I occasionally have to resort to

WALKING WITH A CANE

I´ve recently had to start using a cane to assist in walking as one of my knees is giving out, and while it isn´t a new experience as I have had bouts of arthritis in the past that caused some mobility problems, it has given me food for thought.

For example, there is this pretty, perky young lady at the local Department of Natural Resources that I sometimes visit and discuss such things as storm water runoff and the need for an infiltration strip vs retention pond in the development south of town; stuff like that.

I´ve always tried to impress her with my knowledge and enthusiasm for the environment - without making much of an impression. Now I thought, as I visited the office for other reasons, I´ll just drop in and see her with my cane and I´ll get some sympathy.

Hah! - I made a mistake. My cane is one my brother made for me from some wood he found in the desert near Tucson. Maggie added a strip of buckskin for a grip from her Indian doll material stockpile, and a little piece of turquoise and a silver feather on a rawhide string. The gal looked right past my feeble intellect and fell in love with my cane. So it goes - I tried for sympathy and got envy. Things don´t always work out in life the way you plan them.

Meanwhile, one of my e-mail friends, Jan Freitag, from Seattle, heard of my failed attempt at using a cane as an emotional crutch and gave me some advice from her experience as a person who has been using a wheelchair and a cane for a number of years and needs no emotional support from either, as she functions quite well along those lines, using both simply as mobility devices.

Well, not quite. She did reveal some tinge of wanting a cane that makes a personal statement in her reply to me.

She writes of canes: "I lose them (left one on top of my car when I unlocked the door), left one in a dingy that was pulled upright on the back of a boat, and that one resides on the bottom of Puget Sound. I have a car cane, one in the house, collapsible cane in the carry case on the back of my wheelchair.

"I get mine through a mail order company and the one I have always wanted to have the guts to order is, and I will quote so I don´t get blamed for ´bad talk´: ´Toroan Makilla. All natural, stretched and tanned Breeding Bull´s penis. Comes with Certificate.´"

I wonder how the bull feels about this use of his personal statement device and if he is the one signing the certificate.

Hmm. I wonder what that gal in the DNR office would think if I came in with one of those canes on my next visit. Nah, not a good idea. I´d better stop while I´m ahead in this cane business with her.

But just in case I lose the one she admires so much, I´ll have to come up with a good substitute. Maybe Jan would lend me that catalogue. She´s already given me a whole new slant on the subject and an attitude that will be very helpful as I hobble along.

ED. NOTE: I find a shopping cart a great substitute for a cane. Not only does it support my tottering steps - it is useful for taking books to the library and picking up kitty litter from the grocery store, along with the other supplies that I run out of regularly. However, I do realize that carts don´t fit into men´s image of themselves, just as carrying their own shopping bags seems below their dignity. Too bad - both carts and bags are great ideas.

Zvonko Springer forwards this story about

SENIORS

A group of seniors was sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I can´t even see my coffee."

"I couldn´t even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can´t hear you!"

"I can´t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I´m going," said another.

"I guess that´s the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully, "at least we can all still drive."

ED. NOTE: There was a front-page story in the Vancouver Sun this week about the large number of drivers over 65 who have impaired eyesight, poor hearing, and slow responses. However, it conceded that the accident rate for this group is lower than that for teenagers, and both groups are lower still than drivers of 40 to 60, who account for the largest number of accidents.

Bruce Galway forwards the

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
   * His last battle.

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
   * At the bottom of the page.

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
   * Liquid.

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
   * Marriage.

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
   * Exams.

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
   * Lunch and dinner.

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
   * The other half.

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
   * Wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
   * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
   * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
   * Very large hands.

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would
it take four men to build it?
   * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without
cracking it?
   *Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

ED. NOTE: I wouldn´t want to be this kid´s teacher!

Pat Moore sends this one about

A CANADIAN BLONDE

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy. 11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they´ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it´s winter in Canada, and I´m driving the salt truck!"

Don Henderson forwards these oldies from Tommy Cooper in answer to considerable reader demand:

ATROCIOUS BUT FUNNY JOKES

Two blondes walked into a building. You´d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message: "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist´s wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you´re nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn´t find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft; it sank, proving once and for all that you can´t have your kayak and heat it.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I´ll give you some cream to put on it."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let´s have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I´m going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he´s cross-eyed?"
"No - because he´s really heavy."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?"I said, "Sure. You look great, the world´s your oyster, go for it!"

Apparently, one in five people in the world is Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It´s either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho- Cha-Chu. But I think it´s Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub; one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat bastard!"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ´Parking Fine.´ So that was nice.

Ireland ´s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 226 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Bruce Galway forwards the URL for a site which asks if you can land a Lufthansa plane at various destinations in Europe. There would be a great number of furious passengers if I were the pilot:

Carol Hansen sends this link to a video showing the results of a new beauty product [I love this one]:

Carol also sends the URL for a video illustrating why people go south in winter:

Catherine Nesbitt forwards a link to a site that suggests that if a dog, a cat, and a rat can happily co-exist, it should be possible for humans to get along:

Don Henderson sends the URL for a game in which the object is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls. If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It´s been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least two minutes:

Pat Moore quotes from the introduction to a site for unusual museums: People collect the oddest things. We humans share our instinctive urge to collect with the birds and the bees, with ants and rats, and even several species of crustaceans. The list below is proof enough that having the world´s largest collection of broken widgets is not cause for concern; in fact, many of our most hallowed museums got their start with someone´s collecting obsession:

Pat also wonders how many of us can relate to this song by Tom Rush:

General Motors veep Larry Burns previews cool next-gen car design: sleek, customizable (and computer-enhanced) vehicles that run clean on hydrogen - and pump energy back into the electrical grid when they´re idle:

For all those of us who long for the good old days, here is a look back at the past 100 years in only 10 minutes which reminds us that many of those days were not good:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which changes daily, go to