Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2012-06

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Kay Deedrick describes the art of bathing cats
• We get letters from Don Henderson and Eve Cassidy
• Carol Dilworth describes the elements of gothic novels
• Catherine Green forwards important health information for women
• Gerrit deLeeuw´s story suggests that we respect old men
• Pat Moore sends some interesting facts about death
• Sites are suggested by Bruce Galway, Carol Hansen, Catherine Green, Gerrit deLeeuw, and Pat Moore

For all you cat owners, Kay Deedrick sends a refresher on

CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Whisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I´ve spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I´ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odours that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: - Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength and intelligence.

Capitalize on those advantages by selecting the battlefield. Don´t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If you bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding- glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. In narrow strips. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. (Failing that, in an emergency a full one-piece leather motorcycle riding suit, including helmet, may be used.)

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.

Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for the Bay.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single fluid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.

He´ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don´t expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That´s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel, and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn´t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defences and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

CORRESPONDENCE

Don Henderson comments on the TED talk by Chuck Collins in last week´s issue. Collins is the great-grandson of Oscar Meyers, the meat magnate, and he points out that the rich do not become so by their efforts alone because they too rely on the society in which they live:

No one can refute the truths this man says; it applies in Canada as well. If you think through his thoughts, you can see why we are a complete community because of all the efforts of everyone.

Eve Cassidy writes: I was interested in the piece from Betty Audet on croquet. I would like to say that the game is very much alive and kicking in Great Britain and many other parts of the world.

Indeed, it is played in the next village to me, Bottisham in East Anglia. For more information look at https://www.croquet.org.uk/.

Thanks for all your interesting articles, etc. They are much appreciated.

These descriptions by Carol Dilworth should prove invaluable if you are contemplating writing such a book, or watching a horror movie:

ELEMENTS OF A GOTHIC NOVEL

1. Setting in a castle. The action takes place in and around an old castle, sometimes seemingly abandoned, sometimes occupied. The castle often contains secret passages, trap doors, secret rooms, dark or hidden staircases, and possibly ruined sections. The castle may be near or connected to caves, which lend their own haunting flavour with their branching, claustrophobia, and mystery. (Translated into modern filmmaking, the setting might be in an old house or mansion - or even a new house - where unusual camera angles, sustained close ups during movement, and darkness or shadows create the same sense of claustrophobia and entrapment.)

2. An atmosphere of mystery and suspense. The work is pervaded by a threatening feeling, a fear enhanced by the unknown. Often the plot itself is built around a mystery, such as unknown parentage, a disappearance, or some other inexplicable event. Elements 3, 4, and 5 below contribute to this atmosphere. (Again, in modern filmmaking, the inexplicable events are often murders.)

3. An ancient prophecy is connected with the castle or its inhabitants (either former or present). The prophecy is usually obscure, partial, or confusing. "What could it mean?" In more watered down modern examples, this may amount to merely a legend: "It´s said that..."

4. Omens, portents, visions. A character may have a disturbing dream vision, or some phenomenon may be seen as a portent of coming events. For example, if the statue of the lord of the manor falls over, it may portend his death. In modern fiction, a character might see something (a shadowy figure stabbing another shadowy figure) and think that it was a dream. This might be thought of as an "imitation vision."

5. Supernatural or otherwise inexplicable events. Dramatic, amazing events occur, such as ghosts or giants walking, or inanimate objects (such as a suit of armour or painting) coming to life. In some works, the events are ultimately given a natural explanation, while in others the events are truly supernatural.

6. High, even overwrought emotion. The narration may be highly sentimental, and the characters are often overcome by anger, sorrow, surprise, and especially, terror. Characters suffer from raw nerves and a feeling of impending doom. Crying and emotional speeches are frequent. Breathlessness and panic are common. In the filmed gothic, screaming is common.

7. Women in distress. As an appeal to the pathos and sympathy of the reader, the female characters often face events that leave them fainting, terrified, screaming, and/or sobbing. A lonely, pensive, and oppressed heroine is often the central figure of the novel, so her sufferings are even more pronounced and the focus of attention. The women suffer all the more because they are often abandoned, left alone (either on purpose or by accident), and have no protector at times.

8. Women threatened by a powerful, impulsive, tyrannical male. One or more male characters has the power, as king, lord of the manor, father, or guardian, to demand that one or more of the female characters do something intolerable. The woman may be commanded to marry someone she does not love (it may even be the powerful male himself), or commit a crime.

9. The metonymy of gloom and horror. Metonymy is a subtype of metaphor, in which something (like rain) is used to stand for something else (like sorrow). For example, the film industry likes to use metonymy as a quick shorthand, so we often notice that it is raining in funeral scenes. Note that the following metonymies for "doom and gloom" all suggest some element of mystery, danger, or the supernatural: wind, especially howling, rain, especially blowing, doors grating on rusty hinges sighs, moans, howls, eerie sounds, footsteps approaching, clanking chains, lights in abandoned rooms, gusts of wind blowing out lights, characters trapped in a room, doors suddenly slamming shut, ruins of buildings, baying of distant dogs (or wolves?) thunder and lightning, crazed laughter.

ED. NOTE: Part of the pleasure in reading a gothic novel or watching a horror show is the knowledge that no matter how frightening it is, you know you are safe.

Catherine Green forwards this

IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you´re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn´t mind becoming pregnant or nursing are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

Gerrit deLeeuw sends an example of why it is

BEST NOT TO MESS WITH OLD MEN

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you´re gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man´s feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man´s hands as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule´s ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but I´ve always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don´t waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you´re smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don´t mess with old men. They didn´t get old by being stupid.

Pat Moore forwards these supposedly-true facts which indicate that the things we worry about may not be that scary [or that we are worrying about the wrong things]:

THE FACTS OF DEATH

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

More people are killed each year by coconuts than sharks. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

Fleas have the distinction of killing more people than all the wars man has ever fought. The "Black Death" plague killed 1/4 of Europe´s population in the 14th century, caused by germs transmitted from rodents to humans by fleas.

The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male´s head off.

A hundred years ago, the average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

Today, only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.

Your statistical chance of being murdered is one in 20,000.

There are five times as many deaths due to the negligence of doctors as there are deaths due to firearms.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

Robert Hershey, of Hershey Chocolate fame, died when he fell into a vat of chocolate and drowned.

Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote "Nutrition for Health" and numerous books on the science of proper eating, died of malnutrition.

Adolph Hitler´s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands.

When Thomas Edison died in 1941, Henry Ford captured his last dying breath in a bottle.

In 1845, President Andrew Jackson´s pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing.

Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his father´s, President Garfield´s, and President McKinley´s. After the last shooting, he refused ever to attend a state affair again.

When Mark Twain was born on Nov 30, 1835, Halley´s comet was visible over Florida, Missouri. Mark Twain predicted in 1909 that he would die when it returned. He was right. When he died on April 21, 1910, Halley´s comet was once again visible in the sky.

"I´m not afraid of death. It´s just that I don´t want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Bruce Galway writes: Tom Herbert is an amazing golfer who hasnt let the fact that he doesnt have any hands stand in his way of playing three rounds of golf a week at Tot Hill Farm Golf Club, located in Asheboro, North Carolina. Tom is an inspiration to all of us even if you dont play golf.

Bruce thinks the following skit would have been perfect for Abbot and Costello. In it, Tim Horton´s new cup sizes are explained by This Hour has 22 Minutes:

Carol Hansen thinks that green walls which create new urban jungles are beautiful:

Carol and Catherine Green both send this link to a video of a Swedish sheep-herding bunny:

Catherine also forwards the URL for a clip of a very possessed little girl talking to emergency services while waiting for an ambulance she called for her father, who had had a heart attack:

Gerrit deLeeuw forwards this link to a video about cheap flights:

Gerrit also recommends this site for a video of a goshawk flying through tiny spaces in slow motion:

This lovely little piece of viral video distraction blends a multitude of precisely-chosen movie clips with a fabulously retro Lionel Richie tune. It draws on cinematic references ranging from Elvis to Avatar, Alfred Hitchcock to Paul Verhoeven, The Matrix to Toy Story 3:

Andy Keller, president and CEO of Chico Bag, shares his philosophy on triple bottom line and leading a business that tackles the problem of one-time-use plastic products which are producing a floating mass of garbage in the Pacific and choking our landfills:

In this video, Cristina Zenato calmly feeds fish to cruising sharks:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which changes daily, go to