Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2012-35

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IN THIS ISSUE

• The editor gets a new computer
• We get letters from Betty Fehlhaber, Kate Brookfield, Jean Sterling, and Norma Patterson
• Carol Dilworth forwards a story of a redhead with an unusual affliction
• Stan French sends a story of an embarrassing senior moment
• Tom Williamson forwards this ode to believing.
• Betty Audet reminds us of these stories about growing older
• Don Henderson forwards examples of human idiocy
• Sites are suggested by Bruce Galway, Carol Hansen, Catherine Green, Catherine Nesbitt, Pat Moore, and Tony Lewis

THE EDITOR GETS A NEW COMPUTER

And a new operating system, and without the help of my daughter, Judith, and son, Jay, I would be tearing out what little hair I have left. As it is, I am suffering from brain strain, and nothing about this issue is guaranteed.

Jay bought me a new Mac, and between him and Judith, they have set it up and retrieved many programs, and tried to calm my shattered nerves. In changing from one OS to another, I have lost many programs and options, and it will be some time before I adjust to everything. My aging brain has atrophied, and whenever it is confronted by new technology, it curls up in a corner and whimpers.

So please bear with me while I struggle to adjust to the changes and produce a Spinner which bears some resemblance to those that have gone before.

CORRESPONDENCE

Betty Fehlhaber writes about the site in last week´s issue which showed how to separate egg yolks from the white of eggs: I sure wish they had taught us how to separate eggs like this in home ec, rather than the messy way.

Kate Brookfield writes about the death of Dixie Augusteijn: What a beautiful tribute Sarah gave, reinforcing what we all knew - that Dixie was a remarkable woman. I am so happy that she remained the same person right to the end of her long full life and did not end her life not knowing who she was or who was with her at the end.

She told me that she was looking forward to my stories on our year in India, and was disappointed when I started on it, then stopped. So in a way, it was her encouragement that made me finally get down to the task of finishing the project.

She was certainly one of your first Spinner writers and her stories are now properly recorded for history! Congratulations to you, too for encouraging her story to be told.

Please thank her daughter for the text of Sarah´s tribute and the photo.

Jean sterling writes: I was sorry to read about the passing of Dixie, but glad that her passing was peaceful and surrounded by loved ones. She certainly was a very likeable "with it" lady. She would be proud of her granddaughter.

Commenting on the video of a 100-year-old woman on the Jay Leno show, Jean writes: This lady was fantastic. What a great sense of humour! And perfect timing. She is an inspiration!

Re buying Canadian. I recently bought a GE toaster, but when I removed it from the box, I found out that it had been made in China.

Norma Patterson writes: I would like to express my sincere sympathy to the family of that dear lady, Dixie Augusteijn. And what a wonderful tribute by her granddaughter!

To add to the tomatoes stories..... When we moved in to our town house, we planted one tomato plant in a pot on our balcony. We had beautiful tomatoes ready to ripen! Well, one morning I noticed tomatoes in the eavestrough and wondered how they got there. When I went outside, I realized the raccoons had had a field day with the tomatoes! We were able to pick the few they left and ripen them inside.

Carol Dilworth admits that she fell right into this one:

THE REDHEAD WITH THE GLASS EYE

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre, followed by drinks.... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replied.

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Stan French forwards this oldie but goodie:

MY MOST EMBARRASSING ´SENIOR MOMENT

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized that I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right.

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," I stammered. (I always call her "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice, "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will ... as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car!"

Tom Williamson forwards this:

I BELIEVE

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn´t mean they don´t love each other.
And just because they don´t argue,
It doesn´t mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don´t have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,
they´re going to hurt you,
every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe.....
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe....
That it´s taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always
leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe....
That you can keep going
long after you think you can´t.

I Believe....
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I Believe....
That heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I Believe....
That my best friend and I
can do anything or nothing
and have the best time.

I Believe....
That sometimes the people
you expect to kick you when you´re down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I´m angry
I have the right to be angry, but that
doesn´t give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you´ve had
And what you´ve learned from them
and less to do with
how many birthdays you´ve celebrated.

I Believe.....
That it isn´t always enough,
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn
to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how badly
your heart is broken,
the world doesn´t stop for your grief.

I Believe....
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are, but,
we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn´t be
so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed
in a matter of hours
by people who don´t even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think
you have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most
in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...
´The happiest of people don´t necessarily
have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything they have.

Betty Audet writes: Some of these are old but they are good for a laugh:

GROWING OLD

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he´d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant´s question about his "garage door."

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ´When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"

She smiled and said, "No, I didn´t. All I saw was an old mini-van with two flat tires."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to his doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven´t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I´ve changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: "Slim, I´m 83 years old now and I´m just full of aches and pains. I know you´re about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim said, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple´s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... the one that´s red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that´s the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what´s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn´t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don´t know," he said. "She´s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they´re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I´m in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don´t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I´d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.´"

"I´d also like whipped cream. I´m certain you´ll forget that. Write it down," she says.

Irritated, he says, "I don´t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where´s my toast?"

A senior citizen said to his 80-year-old buddy: "So I hear you´re getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can´t cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse.

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don´t know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn´t it?"

Second one says, "No, it´s Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let´s go get a beer."

Don Henderson reminds us of all the

IDIOTS ON CALL

This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn´t see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren´t working. (Helloooooo, anyone awake in there?)

Idiots at Work: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. (I think she´s waited on me before too!)

Idiots in the Neighbourhood: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn´t want them to cross there anymore.... (Obviously the deer can read in that area.)

Idiots in the Food Service: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiot Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That´s why we ask." (???)

Idiot Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it´s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" (Don´t you wonder what she did at the office?)

Idiot Sighting #3: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

Idiot Sighting #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn´t understand why her system would not turn on. (Hey now, that wasn´t me!)

Idiot Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver´s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it´s open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Now, don´t you feel better?

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Bruce Galway sends this link to a spectacular flight over the US in five minutes and 44 seconds in a small plane:

Carol Hansen forwards the URL for a video of the history of the world in two minutes:

Catherine Green asks that you buy Fairtrade chocolate, because child slavery is involved in chocolate production:

Catherine Nesbitt sends this link to a very clever video about a robot motorcycle:

Pat Moore forwards this link to a source of old music favourites:

Tony Lewis sends the URL for a video showing how they made the RONA Olympic cross-country commercial, but first watch the commercial itself, which was a tribute from RONA to the Canadian Olympic Team and recognizes the efforts of the athletes participating in the London Games. Watch the adventures of Canadian DIYers as they run to complete a grand relay from the Pacific to the Atlantic!

Now watch how they did it:

Britta Riley wanted to grow her own food in her tiny apartment, so she and her friends developed a system for growing plants in discarded plastic bottles - researching, testing and tweaking the system using social media, trying many variations at once and quickly arriving at the optimal system. Call it distributed DIY. And the results? Delicious.

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which changes daily, go to