Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2012-39

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IN THIS ISSUE

• Mike Yeager realizes he is showing signs of growing old
• We get letters from Catherine Nesbitt, Jean Sterling, Norma Patterson, and Stan French
• Pat Moore forwards the story of the dam beavers
• Who has not had problems with spell checkers?
• Rafiki forwards an article which extolls the benefits of eating bananas
• Catherine Green sends the story of Bertha and Betty
• Sites are recommended by Bruce Galway, Catherine Green, Catherine Nesbitt, and Gerrit deLeeuw

Mike Yeager has joined the growing ranks of senior citizens, and is having a hard time adjusting to the realities of having to be

CONTENT WITH A LATTE AND AN OCCASIONAL OLDIE

I can remember hiking with my dad. He was probably close to the age I am right now. We would be steadily working our way up the side of some mountain in Oregon, and periodically I would realize I no longer heard him trudging along behind me. Looking back down the trail, there he´d be stopped, pretending to be interested in some unknown specimen of flora. I knew he had no interest in plants whatsoever. If I said anything like, "Are you resting again?", he would reply, with a voice handicapped by gasps for breath, "You´ll get old some day."

Lately I´ve been inundated with mail and phone calls from insurance brokers and HMO representatives trying to convince me that they have the information I need to help me decide what to do about my Medicare Part B. Each one assures me that they have my best interest at heart. I´m turning 65 in a few months and I´d like to get my hands on the person who let all these capitalist scavengers know about it.

The truth is, I have absolutely no idea what to do about Medicare B, but I don´t tell them that. It´s all very confusing, and when I start reading the material sent to me by them or the government, the words quickly turn into blah, blah, blah, blah.

I was at the barbershop a few years ago having my hair cut. It was going along fine until he lifted up the few thin strands of hair on the top of my head and asked, "What do you want me to do with these stringers?" He must have been from the south, because he pronounced stringers, "strangers" rhyming with "hangers". There is a time when one is going bald when you can fool yourself into thinking that you have more hair on top of your head than you actually do. This delusion is perpetuated by only looking at yourself in the mirror straight on. From this angle, there appears to be somewhat of a lush growth of hair on top. The truth reveals itself if you use an additional mirror and view your reflection from any other angle. I nurtured this delusion for years.

Recently I told the 14-year-old beautician at Super Cuts to just cut the off the "strangers". She did it immediately and without comment. In an instant my delusion evaporated and I turned into a bald guy. When I got home, Katie, my wife hardly noticed the change. When I pointed it out, she said I looked fine and there really wasn´t that much of a difference. My delusion ran deep. And to think I´ve been less than kind in my thoughts all these years toward men who sported comb-overs. Now I embarrassingly realize that I was guilty of a version of this desperate attempt to remain young and attractive.

I am writing this blog in a coffee shop in Boulder, Colorado. The young college students all around me are working on their computers. Most avoid eye contact with me, but every once in a while, one of them catches my eye and smiles. It doesn´t seem that long ago when I was a young college student like them. I know none of them have the same perspective that I do. What´s that saying, "youth is wasted on the young"? In the blink of an eye they will be where I am now.

My dad realized it and tried to tell me, but like these young people around me, I didn´t get it at the time. I really have no interest in going back in time, but I don´t want to go forward either.

This coffee shop´s name is The Laughing Pig. They make a hell of a good latte. The attractive young barista instantly created an intricate design on the top of the foam. It was a fern leaf that wrapped around the inner edge of the cup. When she handed it to me, she gave me a warm smile.

I don´t recognize and don´t like most of the music that´s played on their sound system, but they just played an early Leonard Cohen song that I hadn´t heard for a long time. I´m tuning the music out for now and waiting for the next oldie. I guess I will continue my practice of being content with where I am right now, even if I am an aging bald guy.

ED. NOTE: This is an entry in Mike´s blog at http://www.aretiredboomer.blogspot.com

CORRESPONDENCE

Catherine Nesbitt writes: The story of the vicious squirrel, forwarded by Pat Moore, made me laugh heartily. This does not happen as often as I would like, so many thanks to the author and to you.

As always, I enjoyed this issue of The Tale Spinner. Thanks for your work in producing it.

Jean Sterling, referring to the photo of me attacking a giant tomato in last week´s issue, writes: Jay did a fantastic job with PhotoShop!

I´m not the only one having problems with a new computer. Norma Patterson writes: I can´t believe this! I have a new laptop as my other gave up. I am sure there was a picture of you when I looked this morning, and now it isn´t there! Anyway, the tomato was great and so are you with the beautiful hat!

Still on the subject of tomatoes, Stan French writes: At a garden centre in June I purchased a six-pack of Jet Star tomato plants and tried them in a variety of outside containers ranging upward from one small 6"-deep plastic pot through to a larger 16"-deep pail that would drain properly.

Some experts said one tomato plant would feed two of us, but there were five good plants in the pack and I wanted to experiment to see how well they would do in "premium quality potting soil with reserve hydrogel and fertilizer" instead of soil. (I also wanted no more weeding responsibilities - Creeping Charlie has invaded our lawns and it gets worse every year.)

They had full sun, and were watered morning and/or evening daily if we had no rain - which was often the case this hot summer. Now there is small green fruit on all the plants; the smallest has 3/4"- diameter tomatoes and the larger containers have tomatoes not yet 2" in diameter. Squirrels have sometimes left chewed small red fruit on the ground, but we have had none.

ED: I´m sure your crop will be much better than mine, Stan - it could hardly be worse! I hope you get enough tomatoes to can, or if you´re not into that, to give to all your neighbours.

Pat Moore forwards this story which we have read before, but which is well worth reading again, if only for the realization that government departments sometimes initiate proceedings without preliminary investigation:

THE DAMMED BEAVERS

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan De Vries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. The man´s response is hilarious, but read State´s letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. De Vries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department´s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. De Vries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers?, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren´t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department´s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers´ Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank you, Ryan De Vries & the Dam Beavers

ED. NOTE: The story is almost too funny to be true, but according to Snopes, it is essentially correct, with a few minor discrepancies.

From Jane Straus´ site, Grammarbook.com, here is a common complaint from veteran copy editor Tom Stern:

SPELL CHECK OVERREACH

My spell check has been drinking again. It just told me "déjà vu" should be "deejay."

Everyone who uses Word software probably has some form of spell check. Mine - I call him "SC" - also makes occasionally helpful (but often just surreal) suggestions about grammar and punctuation. To be fair, SC sometimes saves me from my own carelessness. But all in all, I think I´d rather get dating tips from a praying mantis.

For less-experienced writers, spell check is a mushroom in the woods: be careful what you swallow. I once typed "public enemies" and SC wanted "enemy´s." Nouns ending in y are tricky enough without bogus advice from a clueless tool. It pains me to think of all the insecure people who follow blindly.

SC is no panacea to grammar-challenged Americans. He changed "how is it possible" to "how it possible is," and "all of the above" became "the entire above."

The word snarky, referring to a snide attitude, has been in popular usage for a long time. But no one told SC, who thinks my hand slipped while I was trying to type "snaky" or "snarly." Come to think of it, those two words pretty much sum up snarky. But that´s beside the point.

Another familiar term is "A-lister": someone who´s show-business royalty. SC doesn´t get out much, so he thinks I must mean "lifter" or "luster" or "blister" - or even "leister," which is a three-pronged fishing spear. That´s no way to describe Angelina Jolie!

And it´s not just trendy words that SC botches. The French word chez, referring to home or headquarters, has been prevalent in English usage since the early 18th century. So why does SC think I mean either a revolutionary ("Che"), a singer ("Cher") or some bloke named "Chet"?

For several decades, Luddite has been a handy word for someone who rejects or is confounded by modern technology: "I´m such a Luddite I can´t program my DVR." You´d think SC could do better than "landsite" or "audited."

Clearly, at this point, spell check is too erratic. The irony is that it´s least valuable to those who need it most.

Recently there have been ads online for losing weight which include bananas in the list of five things you should never eat. These claims forwarded by Rafiki suggest that bananas´ effects are more positive than negative:

PASS THE BANANAS

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fibre. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world´s leading athletes.

But energy isn´t the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND among people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat high blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit´s ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex, England) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fibre, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach, and with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking andTobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6 and B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain, and regulates your body´s water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

So a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around. So maybe it´s time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

ED. NOTE: As always, this information is not verified, but if you like bananas, go ahead and eat them, and they may benefit you in the ways claimed above.

Catherine Green sends the story of

BERTHA AND BETTY

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favour: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there´s women´s softball there."

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, "Betty, you´ve been my best friend for many years. If it´s at all possible, I´ll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Bertha died.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty! Betty!"

"Who is it?" asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Betty - it´s me, Bertha."

"You´re not Bertha. Bertha just died."

"I´m telling you, it´s me, Bertha," insisted the voice.

"Bertha! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.

"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there´s women´s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we´re all young again. Better still, it´s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That´s fantastic," said Betty. "It´s beyond my wildest dreams! So what´s the bad news?"

"You´re pitching Tuesday."

RECOMMENDED WEBSITES

Bruce Galway forwards the URL for a video of a father sending his son´s favourite toy to outer space and back:

Catherine Green recommends this site for a story of a random act of kindness which has garnered international attention:

Catherine also sends this link to a video of Emperor penguins in a setting which few will ever have the opportunity to visit:

Catherine Nesbitt suggests this site for a video of a clever card trick:

Gerrit deLeeuw sends this link to a video of a precocious four-year-old performer:

The big question, "What is the single best thing we can do for our health?" is answered by Dr. Mike Evans, founder of the Health Design Lab at the Li Ka Shing Knowledge Institute, an associate professor of Family Medicine and Public Health at the University of Toronto, and a staff physician at St. Michael´s Hospital:

Remember this song from away-back-when? Here the Tokens perform "The Lion Sleeps Tonight":

More Danes bike to work per capita than any other people in the world; 80% of Denmark´s energy used to be dependent on imported oil, but now they´re a net exporter of energy. The average Danish family consumes less than half the energy of the average American family; and Denmark´s economy has grown 78% in the last 20 years, while NOT increasing energy use and cutting carbon emissions in half:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which changes daily, go to