Home  >> Stories  >> The Tale Spinner #2012-50

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IN THIS ISSUE

• If you have not yet bought your gifts, consider this article
• We get letters from Carol Dilworth and Jean Sterling
• For all dog lovers, Rafiki sends an explanation of their short lives
• Here´s why you should not let Granny bake your holiday pies
• Anne Rahamut and Tony Lewis clear up a matter of definitions
• Sites are recommended by Bruce Galway, Catherine Nesbitt, Catherine Green, Don Henderson, and Tony Lewis

George Monbiot, a columnist for the Guardian, wrote this article about Christmas giving:

PATHOLOGICAL CONSUMPTION

There´s nothing they need, nothing they don´t own already, nothing they even want. So you buy them a solar-powered waving queen, a belly button brush, a silver-plated ice cream tub holder, a "hilarious" inflatable zimmer frame, a confection of plastic and electronics called Terry the Swearing Turtle, or - and somehow I find this significant - a Scratch Off World wall map.

They seem amusing on the first day of Christmas, daft on the second, embarrassing on the third. By the twelfth, they´re in landfill. For thirty seconds of dubious entertainment, or a hedonic stimulus that lasts no longer than a nicotine hit, we commission the use of materials whose impacts will ramify for generations.

Researching her film "The Story of Stuff", Annie Leonard discovered that of the materials flowing through the consumer economy, only 1% remain in use six months after sale. Even the goods we might have expected to hold onto are soon condemned to destruction through either planned obsolescence (breaking quickly) or perceived obsolescence (becoming unfashionable).

But many of the products we buy, especially for Christmas, cannot become obsolescent. The term implies a loss of utility, but they had no utility in the first place. An electronic drum-machine t-shirt, a Darth Vader talking piggy bank, an ear-shaped i-phone case, an individual beer can chiller, an electronic wine breather, a sonic screwdriver remote control, bacon toothpaste, a dancing dog: no-one is expected to use them, or even look at them, after Christmas day. They are designed to elicit thanks, perhaps a snigger or two, and then be thrown away.

The fatuity of the products is matched by the profundity of the impacts. Rare materials, complex electronics, the energy needed for manufacture and transport are extracted and refined and combined into compounds of utter pointlessness. When you take account of the fossil fuels whose use we commission in other countries, manufacturing and consumption are responsible for more than half of our carbon dioxide production. We are screwing the planet to make solar-powered bath thermometers and desktop crazy golfers.

People in eastern Congo are massacred to facilitate smart phone upgrades of ever-diminishing marginal utility. Forests are felled to make "personalized heart-shaped wooden cheese board sets". Rivers are poisoned to manufacture talking fish. This is pathological consumption: a world-consuming epidemic of collective madness, rendered so normal by advertising and the media that we scarcely notice what has happened to us.

In 2007, the journalist Adam Welz records, 13 rhinos were killed by poachers in South Africa. This year, so far, 585 have been shot. No one is entirely sure why. But one answer is that very rich people in Vietnam are now sprinkling ground rhino horn on their food, or snorting it like cocaine to display their wealth. It´s grotesque, but it scarcely differs from what almost everyone in industrialized nations is doing: trashing the living world through pointless consumption.

This boom has not happened by accident. Our lives have been corralled and shaped in order to encourage it. World trade rules force countries to participate in the festival of junk. Governments cut taxes, deregulate business, manipulate interest rates to stimulate spending. But seldom do the engineers of these policies stop and ask "spending on what?" When every conceivable want and need has been met (among those who have disposable money), growth depends on selling the utterly useless. The solemnity of the state, its might and majesty, are harnessed to the task of delivering Terry the Swearing Turtle to our doors.

Grown men and women devote their lives to manufacturing and marketing this rubbish, and dissing the idea of living without it. "I always knit my gifts," says a woman in a television ad for an electronics outlet. "Well you shouldn´t," replies the narrator. An advertisement for Google´s latest tablet shows a father and son camping in the woods. Their enjoyment depends on the Nexus 7´s special features. The best things in life are free, but we´ve found a way of selling them to you.

The growth of inequality that has accompanied the consumer boom ensures that the rising economic tide no longer lifts all boats. In the US in 2010, a remarkable 93% of the growth in incomes accrued to the top 1% of the population. The old excuse, that we must trash the planet to help the poor, simply does not wash. For a few decades of extra enrichment for those who already possess more money than they know how to spend, the prospects of everyone else who will live on this earth are diminished.

So effectively have governments, the media, and advertisers associated consumption with prosperity and happiness that to say these things is to expose yourself to opprobrium and ridicule. Witness last week´s Moral Maze programme, in which most of the panel lined up to decry the idea of consuming less, and to associate it, somehow, with authoritarianism. When the world goes mad, those who resist are denounced as lunatics.

Bake them a cake, write them a poem, give them a kiss, tell them a joke, but for god´s sake stop trashing the planet to tell someone you care. All it shows is that you don´t.

CORRESPONDENCE

Carol Dilworth writes: I have just dropped a scalding half-size pan of Christmas cake all over the kitchen floor. I was sure I could lift it out of the oven with only one mitt. My Great Dane is in paradise, as are the animals (I don´t want to think about what varieties) that will eat it up from the front lawn. (It´s intended for the birds, but I´m not sure that they ever get any.) I am happy that part of my kitchen floor is cleaner than for some time, thanks to the dog and then soap and water.

Last week the three pans that I did together in the oven were a total write-off, so I cut back to half the amount today.

If the batch that is still in the oven doesn´t turn out, I am going to use Pat Moore´s recipe from here on in. And omit any ingredient that sounds like a solid or non-alcoholic liquid.

Jean Sperling, commenting again on the article on Vagueness in speech in a recent issue, writes: We forgot "whatever". Whatever seems to be used to answer a question when one doesn´t want to give a definite answer. If I asked you if you wanted to go to a movie that you weren´t enthusiastic about, you might say, "I guess, like, whatever."

Finally, "…throw the bowl through the window. Finish the vodka and wipe the counter with the cat…." Wipe the counter with the CAT? Can you imagine wiping a counter with your cat? Sounds like a sure-fire recipe for disaster.

Rafiki shares this explanation of

A DOG´S PURPOSE

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog´s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer.

I told the family we couldn´t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure as they felt that Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker´s family surrounded him.

Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker´s transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker´s Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him.

What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I´d never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life - like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?"

The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don´t have to stay as long."?

Whatever you do, please

DON´T LET GRANNY BAKE PIES THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

Grannie made such beautiful pies!

One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"

"It´s a family secret," she said, "so promise not to tell.

"I roll out the dough, then cut a bottom layer and carefully put it in the pie plate. Then I slowly pour the filling, making sure it´s not too full. Next I cut a top layer and put it over the filling.

"Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust, and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see."

Anne Rahamut and Tony Lewis forward this story about the

DEFINITION OF COMPLETE AND FINISHED

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between complete and finished. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between complete and finished. Please explain the difference between the two words in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are complete. But when you marry the wrong woman, you are finished. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation.

SUGGESTED WEBSITES

Bruce Galway sends this link to a video of a new super-cooled engine which will allow airplanes to fly at unbelievable speeds:

Bruce would have loved to have this scooter about 50 years ago. The Ryno is a one-wheeled motorcycle regulated in the city at 12.5 miles per hour, and for off-road use it can do 25 MPH: It looks like fun:

Catherine Green forwards the URL for a video of an orchestra whose instruments are made from landfill junk:

Catherine Nesbitt suggests this URL for a video of a precision drill by Norwegian police - on ice:

Don Henderson sends this link to a site that allows you to see snow falling on your home. Click below to get something for Christmas you won´t get anywhere else this year:

Tony Lewis forwards this link to a video of Jeanne Robertson talking about bungee jumping in Nanaimo on Vancouver Island:

Tony also suggests this site for a video of people doing some awesomely crazy things:

Author Michael Shermer explores the intersection of science and morality, live on stage at TAM 2012:

To check out the features of the "freedictionary", which changes daily, go to