"We were perfect for each other, why did he change so much?"

"It felt like I finally found my soul-mate. She certainly fooled me."

Sounds familiar? You meet a thousand people. Not one of them stirs your feelings. Then, suddenly, magic happens. You have just met the ONE you have been waiting for. Your pulse beats faster, your heart opens. It´s a glorious moment of recognition. The ensuing days, weeks or months are sheer heaven. You feel alive and whole and can´t imagine life without your new partner. Then CRASH! Doubts, often it´s the beginning of a long deteriorating relationship. Sadly, 50% of partners split at this juncture and hope for a better result next time. Others stay trapped in an unhappy relationship or marriage. The misery they know seems less threatening than choosing the path of the unknown.

Why do such hopeful beginnings deteriorate so often? Psychiatrists have studied the subject extensively. Research suggests that the motivation for sudden romantic encounters is embedded in our unconscious. Each of us is attracted by a partner that has very specific positive and negative characteristics of our first caretakers, our Mom and Dad. An area called the limbic brain stores our earliest attachment patterns, the feelings of love that we experienced as newborns. Our brain records how we experience a parent´s love or lack thereof. This record becomes the blueprint in our search for love later in life. When we meet a person seemingly with the same positive and negative characteristics of our parent, our unconscious signals us, it´s a match! We both feel something clicked. Here are the problems. No parent is perfect. Nobody can satisfy all the baby´s needs. So most human beings grow up feeling wanting. This sense of loss translates into a compelling unconscious drive to make up for the loss to become whole and happy. A potential mate with similar positive and negative characteristics as our parent actually tricks our brain, signaling us to believe that this person can remedy the imperfect love we experienced as a baby. What we secretly yearned for all our lives seems suddenly attainable. That´s a powerful motivation. No wonder we are flooded with positive feelings toward this "stranger". Unfortunately this motivation is based on the wrong premise. We cannot heal the wounds of our partner. We need to heal our own wounds to be whole. We need to learn to be in touch with our feelings and question why we feel wanting or lacking. This is how we can achieve self-acceptance, to look critically at ourselves. We can learn to embrace who we are so we can grow and feel unified. It´s the essential step to accepting and loving our mates. The pursuit of happiness is not outward oriented. It is centered on becoming one within ourselves. That means connecting with our feelings daily, acting from our own truth.

Becoming whole puts us in a position to recognize the right love partner. Even if we´re involved with a partner who we chose for the wrong unconscious needs, we now have the means to reverse a relationship mired in pain and misunderstanding. It is not our partner that disappointed us; it is our unconscious needs that created unrealistic expectations in each of us.

This recognition can start the path to communication. Please avoid accusations, fault finding and negativity. Both of you need to accept the new reality. Work on your own shortcomings. Raise your own self-esteem. Maybe you need a little help from a counselor to start the process. It´s worth the effort. Becoming happier within yourselves will open the way to each other and the promise of a happy life together. Nobody has to be stuck in a loveless life. As you heal and accept yourself, you will free the energy to love again.

Jacqui

Couples and intimacy go together. It´s a cornerstone of good partnering. Intimacy and personal hygiene go together. It´s a basic for sexual enjoyment. I get many questions about this sensitive subject. Let´s tackle the basics today.

A woman´s vaginal environment is very delicate. A healthy pH balance is one of the body´s own ways to protect a woman´s vaginal area against irritations and infections. Bacteria and fungi are always present and favor moist, tight places like the vaginal area. Under normal circumstances they are kept in check. However, ingredients like fragrance, chemical coloring, plant additives or even vitamins can destroy the healthy pH balance and create the optimal condition for bacteria and/or fungi to grow exponentially. That´s how irritations and infections can occur. Consequently women should use pH-balanced products for daily intimate cleansing; soaps or body washes containing no fragrance, no coloring, no plant additives. They should avoid "douching" at all cost and be cautious about sitting in bubble baths loaded with chemical scents or coloring agents.

Men are less susceptible to these common bacteria and fungi. Their private organs are external and exposed to air. If they become infected, their symptoms are often so minor that they are not aware of them. If a woman has recurring vaginal infections, her partner should be examined and treated as well.

Over forty million women suffer from vaginal dryness. It is a very common and natural condition due to a woman´s changing hormone levels. Intimate dryness may cause discomfort, even pain for the woman and can interfere with a couple´s lovemaking. It is due to changes in a woman´s estrogen levels that largely control the moisture in a woman´s body. Less Estrogen means less moisture in her skin, hair, and most importantly in her vaginal area. The solution is simple. An intimate moisturizer used daily and always before intimacy can eliminate this problem instantly. Many couples report that an intimate moisturizer/lubricant can add measurably to the overall pleasure during lovemaking.

Every human being experiences sexual pleasure differently. Statistics show that women take fifteen to twenty minutes to be really open and ready for penetration. Men are usually ready in two minutes. For a couple to fully enjoy the love experience, penetration should not occur till both partners are really ready. Many couples add a little moisturizer during sex for comfort and enjoyment.

Intimate moisturizers, unlike regular moisture lotions, are not cosmetics. They are classified as medical devices and require FDA approval because they end up inside the woman´s body. Consequently, avoid lubricants or moisturizers that are not FDA approved or not pH balanced. Read the label copy. If it says external use only, or cosmetic use only, the product is clearly not approved. Some companies simply try to get around the law. Avoid products containing fragrance, flavors, plant additives or vitamins. . Finally, the most important ingredient to make intimacy wonderful is open and caring communication. Be clear be specific with your partner. Tell each other what you like, how you like to be kissed, touched, stroked and exactly where. Guessing won´t work. Showing and talking in a loving way will. Intimacy is about giving each other pleasure. Good hygiene is the first step to make good loving enjoyable. Good communication will assure magic to happen.

Jacqui

A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association asserts that 43% of American women are experiencing some sort of sexual dysfunction during a 12 months period. As a result, female sexuality has become the new mass media debate. With all that exposure many women are wondering if something is wrong with them? What´s going on?

The term "sexual dysfunction" actually describes seven specific sexual problems: Lack of sexual desire, difficulties getting aroused, inability to achieve orgasm, anxiety about sexual performance, climaxing too quickly, not finding sex pleasurable and experiencing pain during sexuality. However, most medical professionals agree that these conditions can only be diagnosed as sexual dysfunction if the problem is ongoing for at least two months in a given year and causes the individual true distress.

Many situations cause temporary changes in sexual behavior. Being exhausted during a particularly stressful life period and consequently less desirous of sexuality does not equate with sexual dysfunction. Many women who balance a job, family, social obligations, charity work or take care of a newborn may simply feel too exhausted at times to engage in sex. Women coping with menopause are in general less sexually active than females in their twenties and thirties. Further, women´s desire and sexuality is often directly connected to the quality of the relationship in general. Women´s sexuality tends to bloom in an atmosphere of trust and intimacy. If partners are having trouble, women are more likely to have problems with being sexually open and vulnerable. Partnership stress dampens a woman´s desire and makes arousal and orgasm difficult to achieve. However, this does not make her necessarily dysfunctional. When relationship problems are unresolved, they may lead to extended periods of sexual withdrawal or even abstinence.

The exploration of female sexuality was literally ignited by a little blue pill called Viagra, the revolutionary treatment for male sexual dysfunction. Its success for millions of men, not to mention its commercial success, started many investigating female sexual function. In turn sexual treatment centers opened everywhere and a myriad of sex enhancing products hit the market. Few delivered what they promised, to cure sexual dysfunction. Many of these remedies, such as male hormones to stimulate sexual desire in women, may prove to be potentially dangerous to women. The positive outcome is that once the issue was exposed it encouraged women to ask for help if they needed it. Sexuality is a complex and deeply personal experience. Each of us has different sexual expectations. I am concerned about the negative influence these stories have on women. I fear they may pressure many women to feel sexually inadequate so they rush out to buy a new magic potion to become sexually perfect? Panacea doesn´t come in bottles. The key to sexual happiness lies within ourselves. Each of us knows if there is a sexual problem in our life. We have a pretty good sense if the problem is connected to our head, heart, relationship or may be a physical dysfunction? Listen to your inner voice to look for answers in all things including sexuality. If we can resolve the underlying issue, the national female dysfunction rate will shrink fast while your own sexual happiness may rise to unknown heights.

Jacqui

When "suddenly single" most men and women have been out of the dating game for some time. They often feel awkward, stymied or fearful when it comes to start looking for companionship again. Here´s my re-entry advice:

l) First, find balance within you. Whatever the reason for your sudden singleness, you need to deal with grief, anger, and find your equilibrium before you´re emotionally able to turn outwards. Time and talking will help. Sometimes a little therapy is best. That said, do not lock yourself off from life. Instead be active. Share with friends, pals and family. Don´t be shy to ask for help, even people you haven´t seen in ions respond when you ask to be included. You´ll know when you feel strong enough to venture out again beyond your intimate circle.

2) Accept that life will never be what it was. The opportunity is to create a new, exciting life. Expand the boundaries of what you know and who you know. You are the main participant, an interesting, alive person. The more you exude life and energy, the more others want into your life. Try something you´ve always been passionate about but couldn´t pursue; photography, swing dancing, maybe a writing course. Join a non-for-profit organization in medicine, the arts or education. Your contributions are appreciated while you´re making new connections. Now is your time to open up, explore and try the unexpected.

3) Push the single connection. Singles know singles. It´s a numbers game. The more people you meet, the greater your chances to find a new friend or new love. Explore single weekends, hiking groups, singles that like horseback riding or a thousand other things. You´ll find them through singles or community newspapers, single clubs and the Internet. Give a singles party. Every man brings a great lady that is not his romantic interest and vice versa. The girls are responsible for appetizers and main course, the guys bring wine or other drinkables and something chocolate. There is no man without a sweet tooth? It´s an easy and fun way to meet and get going. Be an initiator. Get a group together for a movie or a scrabble night. Assemble your slightly overweight friends and plan a communal meltdown. Weigh-in weekly, discuss what works, feel good about yourself. Remember, walking, swimming, tennis, all physical exercise improves your appearance and frees your inner energy, including sexual energy.

4) Ready for dating? Think of it as an experience and don´t take it too seriously even if some dates turn out to be duds. Dates are like movies; some have potential, some end in friendship rather than romance, some are awful but give you something to laugh about. Enjoy the encounter and low-key the expectations, then dating can be enjoyable. Eventually one feels right. If so, explore. Don´t rush things because you feel lonely or needy. Take time to know a person and focus on what you want. Then be guided by your heart and enjoy the discovery. Singleness is not an interim state between togetherness. It´s a great time to reconnect with yourself and reconsider your future.

Jacqui

Women and men, married or not, have no problems in quickly pinpointing the flaws with their partners affecting their relationship negatively. The complaints I hear most often from women are:

"He never listens, he´s not emotionally available, I can´t get him to open up, he has no clue about intimacy." Sounds familiar? If so, I propose a new approach to reshaping your relationship; focus on yourself. Make yourself happier by becoming more accepting and less judgmental of yourself. As you learn these tools, you automatically become more accepting of your partner, your mutual trust and feelings of closeness deepen and your relationship moves from negative to positive territory.

It is a fact that we tend to attract partners that mirror parts of ourselves. If we are judgmental about ourselves we usually criticize similar flaws in our partner. Being non-judgmental means giving your partner the gift of letting him be who he is, not your fantasy of who you would like him to be. After all, that´s what both of you want! Only then will he feel free to talk from the heart, to trust that you are truly his friend. If the tone of your communication is threatening, he will surely recoil.

Once we confront and correct our own shortcomings we are equally able to extend acceptance and forgiveness to our partner. Letting go of negative feelings about ourselves enables us to see our partner in a different light. As a result we can feel tenderness and love again.

Next time you’re tempted to complain, examine your own behavior that led to the conflict? Can you listen with caring when you two talk, or do you just fake it, or worse, criticize the moment he starts communicating? Can you forgive yourself and him? Can you empty your basket of past grievances? Hording negative material serves no purpose except to build walls between you. Can you stop setting the bar so high for him or yourself; it’s impossible to meet your goals. Can you be happy with realistic achievements? Can you be easy and find reasons to laugh?

Over the years of listening I have learned that men are every bit as fragile emotionally as women, possibly even more afraid of rejection. Just like you, they look for acknowledgement and encouragement. They want to know that they please you. They desperately want to connect. Show you care! Feel it, don’t fake it. Say the magic words that make you feel encouraged and appreciated. Say them, often! Recognize your partner’s contribution to your happiness in bed or out. Loving feelings multiply when partners feel accepted.

There is no relationship panacea. If you change and he doesn’t – then maybe is the time to move on and find the partner who can grow with you.  But there is a high probability that you can change your relationship for the happier if you truly take stock and embrace change. The knight on a white charger to solve your problems is hidden in your own heart and soul.

Jacqie

With Valentines Day approaching many couples yearn for the feelings of love and intoxicating passion they once felt. For singles the desire to find that wonderful partner takes on new urgency as the “V” day draws closer. Can we recapture love? If we put our minds and determination to the task it is possible.  Often our “if only list” is the stumbling block that keeps love away. Once you let go of destructive grudges love and sexuality can be rekindled.

I get lots of “If only” letters!

“If only he were neater, if only she were more adventurous in bed, if only he would open up, if only she would hear me out. If only he had been more aware of my needs… we would still be together.” Let go of your negative fixations to free up love energy. Once you do and experience the surge of good feelings toward each other all you will say is “if only I had done this sooner!” 

Go ahead. Be the initiator.

Suggest to your partner to have a curative “if only” session so you can feel more loving. Each discusses their top three “if only’s”. Both follow the ground rules. No rancor, no accusations, communicate with caring and the intent to really understand what your partner is saying. You want to become closer, happier to be together. Many partners tell me that using this exercise they’ve experienced an instant surge of love feelings. A couple with a history of deadly silence between them admitted they had the most exquisite sex after burying their “if only issues”.

Not all “if only’s” are easy to solve.

Some will take time and patience. In some cases a professional counselor is required to get the process going. Once you start the process keep reinforcing each other. Acknowledge and appreciate even subtle changes with compliments. More hugging and physical contact is a wonderful way to say thank you. Show your partner you’re willing to change. Break calcified couple patterns. Little midweek breaks together work well: movies, concerts, dinner with friends. Change love routines. Switch time or location when making love. Touch or kiss your partner in a place you’ve never paid attention to before. Find a new position or place in your home to enjoy your sexual escapade. Add  passionate music.  Throw the cushions of your couch on the floor to make a new love pad.  Actions speak louder than words.  Words are powerful. They can convey the message you want to give each other.  Make sure you understand the message and agree what you both want to achieve. Then enact the words.

If you have ended your last relationship and feel ambivalent about the break-up, review your “if only” list. Were you too critical, too rigid or too demanding? If there was real love it can be recaptured as long as your effort comes from your heart and you’re both willing to make realistic changes. Real love doesn’t evaporate. But it can’t bloom in a negative climate. Happy Valentine!

Jacqie

E-mail Jacqui your question: info@veryprivate.com or by regular mail to: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2003 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. (310) 471-7701