"The Cat or Me!"

Dear Jacqui,

I´ve been divorced several years and recently met a lady much younger than me. It worries neither of us. Ally is forty-five and was never married. We have a lot in common and love each other´s company. Recently she invited me to dinner and made it clear that I would be welcome to spend the night. I had met her roommate, the cat, previously and knew that her pet was important to her. I´m not crazy about cats especially since I´m allergic to them.

However, I was willing to make an effort and took an allergy pill with me. Ally had set a beautiful table and cooked a great dinner. But right from the beginning the cat sat on the table and proceeded to nibble off Ally´s plate. Frankly, that turned me off but I bit my tongue and swallowed my allergy pill.

When we withdrew to the bedroom the cat got right into the action. I suggested we send her outside the bedroom but Ally objected. "Oh no, this would totally frustrate her". It was impossible for me to enjoy the experience; the cat kept interfering. The next morning Ally told me how happy she was that the cat and I had bonded. Oops! I´m taken with the lady but not her cat. Is there a possible solution here?

Wally

Dear Wally,

There is a reason Ally has never been married. Her cat is clearly her true love. Many couples or singles adore animals. But when two people are involved and living with a pet both partners have to establish the boundaries concerning their pet.

Friends of mine have two terriers; they jump into bed with them all the time. But when it comes to romance the two critters are left outside. Ally should not assume that you feel the same way about her cat as she does. Many people would find it unacceptable to let a pet eat from their plates or include it while making love.

You need to broach the subject with Ally now in a caring way. Tell her how you honestly feel, how taken you are with her and that the relationship offers great promise. But also let her know of your concerns and the fact that you are allergic to cats. Explain how bothered you were when she shared her plate with her pet. Admit that you could not enjoy lovemaking because the cat kept interfering. Suggest for her to think it all before responding. The ball is in her court. She must come to terms with what and who is important in her life. She must question what her pet´s role is in her life or should be? Her answers will give you clarity as to your choices. And that´s the cat´s meow!

Jacqui

You can mail your own question to Jacqui at: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Or Email her at: info@veryprivate.com For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Radio Show on the website every Wednesday. (310) 471-7701.

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How to stop hurting and start loving each other!

Dear Jacqui,

Many couples feel trapped in their relationship. They complain about lack of love, communication or sex. Their frustrations and disappointments have piled up for so long, they feel disappointed, desperate and see no way out.

The Problem:

When the original romantic intoxication wanes, the unconscious interactions of most couples changes. Now they see each other as they are, not as they had first fantasized. Often, emotional disappointment and feelings of being unloved result. Conclusion: they believe the cause of their unhappiness is due to their partner´s changing. In fact, nobody changed, they just learned more about each other that´s real, not imaginary:

• Without being aware couples start projecting onto each other what they dislike most about themselves.
• Unconsciously evoking deep childhood hurts and long repressed feelings in each other, causing their partner deep pain and anger.
• Feeling attacked, each partner responds with more negativity; criticism, withdrawing emotionally, blaming, denying sex. Love and trust erode. Hurt and distrust grow and seem un-surmountable.

The 7-Point Turn-Around:

l) Break the negative pattern consciously! Start behaving in a loving way. I can see many of you shaking your head. That´s impossible. It´ll never work. Therapists say it does if the couple truly wants to make a change.

2) Both of you must take responsibility for sharing with your partner what it is you want. Say what makes you happy, what gives you pleasure. Don´t say if she/he doesn´t know by now, what´s the use!

3) Each writes down and exchange seven do-able things, specific wishes that you would like your partner to do: Give you a back rub, share events of the day over dinner. Kiss when leaving and coming home. Bringing flowers. Cooking a favorite dessert. Going for walks. Give each other little daily joys.

4) Make a conscious effort, spend l5 caring minutes together, daily. It is essential to start building a body of loving, positive experiences and remember how good that feels.

5) Acknowledge your new feelings. Talk about them. Recognize and validate each other´s efforts. As anger subsides, desire for each other is re-awakened.

6) Make a commitment to hang in even if there are setbacks. Breaking negative patterns is not easy. But we can train our brain. Imagine an alarm going off every time you want to say or do something hurtful. Stop using terms like "You always, you never." Use "I" phrases, such as "I would be happy if, I would love it if..."

7) Valuate your partner´s needs as you do your own. Write down why your partner could be a life-affirming resource, a trusted advisor, a friend, and a lover. Exchange notes and discuss how you can translate your observations into being. Realize daily that you both have a choice to be loving.

Jacqui

You can mail your own question to Jacqui at: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Or Email her at: info@veryprivate.com For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Radio Show on the website every Wednesday. (310) 471-7701.

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"Low self-esteem, is there a way I can change?"

Dear Jacqui,

I´ve been divorced for many years, had several relationships but they all ended in conflict. I´ve come to realize that these break-ups all have to do with my low self esteem which I had all my life. Is there a way I can change?

Dave

Dear Dave,

The beauty of life is that we are never too old to change if we are really committed to do it. I suggest two powerful tools which many health professional recommend as successful strategies. They may seem startling at first, but if you understand them and live by these principles, your self-esteem will improve:

Never lie!

That means don´t put yourself in a situation that compromises you so that you have to lie thereafter. An acquaintance of mine who had your very problem told me this story. He was in a relationship and things were not good. The trust had been broken too many times. One night he went to a bar and started talking to a woman for several hours. When he got home, his live-in confronted him at the door. "Where have you been? It´s 1:00 am?" He remembered the lesson about not lying. For the first time he mustered up his courage and told the truth.

He immediately was overcome by the power of how good it felt to be truthful. He began to understand to avoid compromising situations. He stopped creating fabrications or make statements that lack integrity and lead to dishonesty. Once he followed this path his feelings about himself slowly changed positive. Eventually he found self-acceptance and self-respect so he was able to approach his next relationship with confidence. To love and accept a partner is predicated on being able to love and respect your self first.

Start building a body of positive experiences that make you feel worthy and proud of yourself.

Meg, a woman with low self esteem, systematically shied away from any involvement that required personal courage. She ducked sticky issues rather than stand up be counted and ran the other way. One day her friend at work was wrongfully blamed for a foul-up and was in jeopardy of being fired. During their lunch break her friend asked Meg to speak up. Meg was terrified. She found all kinds of excuses why she couldn´t do so. Her friend got up. "I thought I had a friend in you. I guess I don´t," and left. In her panic Meg ran to her superior and blurted out the truth. After she did it, she felt ten feet tall. That experience changed her life. She started talking responsibility for her thoughts and actions. This powerful, positive experience made her realize that she had choices, always, to do the right thing. Positive thinking and positive doing are the building stones that are the basis for a good sense of self and caring relationships with friends and love partners.

Jacqie

You can mail your own question to Jacqui at: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Or Email her at: info@veryprivate.com For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Radio Show on the website every Wednesday. (310) 471-7701.

I feel lonely and can´t keep my ex boyfriend off my mind!

Dear Jacqui,

I am a 62-year-old woman, been divorced for almost 13 years. I had my "first relationship" since my divorce with a bachelor of 30 years. He seemed very adept at the "game of love."

We ended it, however, after I realized it was not going to work. I felt very insecure with him. He had an attitude and a very short temper, which left me more insecure. The problem is that I really fell hard in love with him in spite of the problems and gave my heart completely.

He was great in bed and had a sweet way that made forget all the little or big bumps that came along. I think that I am obsessed with the man and can´t find peace and forget him even though I know it is over.

I feel lonely and want to meet somebody new so I can get him off my mind. I wonder if thinking of him is just an obsession or I need a man in my life so badly and if so why? What are the reasons I feel this way (almost desperate, if I may say so)?

Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Love and attraction are very mysterious. If somebody could figure out why we are so deeply attracted to one person while one million other people we meet don´t raise our heartbeat even one single degree, that person would patent the knowledge and every human being would want to own that secret. Clearly, nobody has unlocked the mystery. However, there is now a broad scientific body of knowledge that documents that our feelings of attachment and love are first experienced in our very earliest stages of life, possibly even in the womb. These feelings then shape an inner-pattern that we go by as we grow up. You could say these patterns are "hardwired" in our brains. Something within you resonated when you met this man and is still resonating which is why it is so hard for you to "let go." So maybe the issue is to focus on these earlier patterns that seem to drive your actions, as if you had no choice. But you do. We always have choices. Your choice is to focus on why you feel that way. Maybe share these thoughts with a professional therapist or counselor so you may achieve some clarity. It is also a good idea to concentrate on you and your own life. Think about what´s wonderful about you and what you deserve in life. Think hard. Write it down. Revisit your list every day. Little by little, if you stay focused and positive, your life will be more colorful, happier, and include people that care about you, possibly even a new accepting partner. Get into some activities you´ve thought about doing. Join a new club, or pursue a hobby with energy. As you become serious about making yourself happy, others will also make you happy. A positive person attracts other positive people. And this wonderful choice, to turn our lives positive, is ours to make at any age and every day of our lives.

Jacqui

You can mail your own question to Jacqui at: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Or Email her at: info@veryprivate.com For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Moments radio show on our web site.

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My husband is 40 years older, can age make a difference when it comes to intimacy?

Dear Jacqui,

I am 21 years old and married to a man 40 years older then me. Throughout our relationship we have always had problems with intimacy. We might engage in sex once every six months, if I am lucky. When we have sex it´s boring and non-passionate. Late at night, he whispers that he wants to be a better lover, but never puts his words into action, he just falls a sleep. I thought his age might be a factor, but his brother is 1 year older and is very sexually active in his relationship. Please help.

Martha

Dear Martha,

A sixty-one year old man shouldn´t necessarily have any problems of a diminished sexual drive because of age. In fact, men can be sexually active into their sixties and seventies. So age is not necessarily the problem, especially since you mention that your sex life has been problematical from the beginning.

There may be, however, a medical condition, which causes his lack of desire or a psychological issue causing his problem. What is most important is for the two of you to discuss his problem openly, frankly and in a loving way. If you cannot do that your relationship will suffer increasingly and the problem may become the source of increased tension, unhappiness and stress or worse.

I suggest you first try to air these issues together; talk openly and see if you can arrive at understanding the problem better and find a possible solution. You might need the help of a therapist or sexual coach to identify the problem. Many couples do, it´s not an embarrassing matter. Matter of fact it´s a positive sign that you both want to make your marriage better, and more intimate.

So please take the next step. I wish you the courage to do so. I guarantee that it is better to talk frankly than to keep this uneasiness between yourselves.

Jacqui

You can mail your own question to Jacqui at: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Or Email her at: info@veryprivate.com For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Moments radio show on our web site.

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I Can´t Keep Up and He Feels Cheated. Shouldn´t a 64 Year Old Male Be Slowing Down?

Dear Jacqui,

I´m a 58-year-old woman and I do not think about sex that often. However, my 64-year-old husband likes it very much. Shouldn´t a 64-year-old male be slowing down? I can´t keep up, and he feels cheated. The stresses of life have taken a toll. What is the matter with me? Too tired at night and too tired in the morning.

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

The sadness in your letter touches me. The fact that you have written suggests that you have the courage to change. Bravo! Here goes. Start by writing down everything you like about yourself and your life. Is it your eyes, your sense of caring and loyalty, your husband´s love and desire for you? From now on revisit your "positive" list every morning and let go of two negatives each day. Good thoughts, like the sun, give your feelings a lift. Little by little you´ll experience that your joy and love of life are not gone, simply buried under heaps of hurt and misunderstandings that you´re letting go. Next, invite your husband to share a journey with you. Your common goal is to build a more loving, more intimate marriage. Together make a list of suggestions on how to put more love in your relationship. They can be as simple as giving each other a hug each morning or holding hands before going to sleep. Enact your ideas daily and talk about them. Avoid accusations! Use the "I" term when you speak, not the "you." Explain how you feel rather than blaming each other. Encourage each other to communicate more positively: "Could you say this in a kinder way" Could you change that habit just a little? Keep the person you love separate from their words and actions. You don´t want to cancel or diminish your love just improve communication. Keep reviewing your progress. Continue what works. Abandon what doesn´t. Be frank, especially when discussing your sexual life. Tell each other what you like. Show how you like to be touched, kissed or stroked and what excites you. There are no limits to loving and enjoying great sexuality at any age, frequency is not a benchmark. Most studies on sexuality report that partners in the fifties and sixties are happier, and more fulfilled sexually than younger couples. Stay in touch with your good feelings. The sun is in your soul. We truly have the power to turn it on by loving, ourselves included.

Jacqui

You can mail your own question to Jacqui at: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Or Email her at: info@veryprivate.com For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Moments radio show on our web site.

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My boyfriend is 20 years older and "peters out" too fast!

Dear Jacqui,

Hello, I´m going out with a man that is 20 years older, I being 40. He has a lot of energy and stamina. I am a very passionate person and I love sex and we share a very health relationship in that regard.

I do find, however, that he "peters out" and I´m still in need. What do you suggest? He is very attentive to my needs before his needs are quickly fulfilled. I guess I need more. I love this man very much and want to explore how we can adapt or change this?

Diana

Dear Diana,

What I suggest is an open and frank as well as loving discussion between the two of you. A great relationship is based on open and clear communication. Great sex depends on it. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you like.

Be specific, show him and learn, in this give and take process about his desires and preferences. I am sure when he knows what you like he will be thrilled to make you even happier in and out of bed.

Jacqui

You can mail your own question to Jacqui at: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Or Email her at: info@veryprivate.com For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Moments radio show on our web site.

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I´m 79 and my wife is 76, we haven´t had sex for 20 years, help!

Dear Jacqui,

I´m 79 my wife is 76, and we have slept in separate bedrooms for the past 20 years. Part of the problem is that neither one of us sleeps well, so we would disturb each other in the same room. The real problem, however, is sexual. We have not had any form of sex, assuming I could get an erection, which I can´t for the last 20 years.

My wife is a hopeless romantic, and would like some of the closeness we once enjoyed. I on the other hand am content to live out my life without the burden of playing the part of a lover.

My inability to be what she wants me to be has put a strain on our relationship, and is a bone of contention occasionally. If you should find the time from your busy schedule to respond, it might well be the biggest thrill that I´ve had in awhile since the 1950´s.

Milton

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Dear Milton,

Thank you so much for giving me your trust and thank you also for your kind words. I actually do have some suggestions that might help bring your relationship closer together. The first is that maybe both of you might make an effort in learning to communicate with each other about subjects such as sexual feelings and expectations which are not easy to bring up, especially after years of silence.

First of all, let me tell you that your wife can enjoy sexuality even though she is not on hormone replacement therapy. The vagina does not shrink. The vaginal tissue gets dryer as we age and gets less elastic when we have fewer sexual encounters. As a result, intimacy becomes less comfortable. But that´s why we can use an intimate moisturizer just before intimacy. It will instantly eliminate the problem of vaginal dryness. Many couples enjoy using a lubricant and become very playful when applying it to each other.

It is also true that both men and women´s primary hormones, testosterone and estrogen, diminish with age and thus their sexual drive becomes less potent. But that doesn´t mean that they can no longer enjoy sexual activity, and it doesn´t necessarily have to be intercourse. Quite the contrary, touching, kissing, stroking are all kinds of sexual expressions and can be very exciting and fulfilling to each partner. But it all starts with open, caring communication. You must find the courage and ease to talk and really find out about each other and in which way you can both find sexual gratification. What makes her feel wonderful, in which way does she and do you want to be touched. The more specific you can be the better.

Obviously, your perception is that you are not the lover your wife wants. Maybe nobody has ever told you that penile penetration is just one single expression of lovemaking. Some women find this totally wonderful, but other women might find manual or oral sex much more exciting. I am sure that if both of you could overcome the misconceptions and fears, and probably some anger, that each of you has piled up, you´ll find a way back to a more intimate and romantic relationship. If the hurdle seems a little too steep to handle yourself, it might be worth a visit with a sexual or relationship counselor to help you over the initial difficulties. You seem to be a very caring man and there should be lots of love in your life. My very best wishes to you and your wife.

Jacqui

You can mail your own question to Jacqui at: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Or Email her at: info@veryprivate.com For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Moments radio show on our web site.

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Give Each Other The Gift of Good Communication

Communication is the most important ingredient in a good relationship. It is also the most misunderstood. Let me share the four essentials of good communication that will promote closeness and love in your relationship.

l) Create an atmosphere of caring. The statement "We need to talk" is threatening to most. The message foreshadows trouble and unpleasant, dreaded arguments. Avoid openings that portend hurtful outcomes. Give word signals that indicate to your partner that talking is going to be a positive process, not a battle.

Start by creating a sharing, caring mood; maybe suggest a stroll or a Sunday morning picnic. Choose "I" sentences not "You" terms. "Darling, I feel we need a little talking time to better understand what's going between us. I am not sure I understand the message you wish to convey. I'd like to have this conversation without blaming each other, just focusing on our feelings so we can be closer. What do you think?

2) Winning doesn't work. If you simply go through the exercise to nail your partner and show how wrong he or she is - forget the process. Before you start talking think about what it is you wish to communicate. Are you truly trying to understand your partner better or simply want to prove that it is all the other's fault? If you use the occasion just to express your anger, it's counterproductive. You're seeking common ground, a new connection to each other. Instead write down ten ways to make each other feel more loved and then exchange the lists. Each day review it together. I guarantee your loving feelings for each other will grow.

3) Don't use words to deceive your partner. Good communicating is sharing your feelings, not just revealing the thoughts going through your head. Using talk to create fabrications, exaggerations or feelings of guilt in your partner is not communicating; but simply manipulating. False and misleading statements undermine any relationship. In time it becomes apparent that you don't mean what you say. When your words don't match your actions they loose their meaning. You loose credibility and the trust between you is broken. Without trust relationships cannot flourish.

4) Learning to listen actively. Often couples make believe that they are listening to each other while they are thinking about different subjects or preparing their counter arguments. In fact, they don't hear. Wanting to hear starts with listening actively and without prejudice to your partner's message. A good way to assure you're hearing the right message is to repeat or mirror to what you've just learned to make sure you're actually understanding the needs and ideas your partner expressed. Truly hearing is a most precious gift of love. It will enrich every day of your lives together.

Jacqui

E-mail Jacqui your question: info@veryprivate.com or by regular mail to: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Radio show on our website every Wednesday.

Turning Negative Fear into Positive Energy

Lately I've received many letters expressing fear:

Dear Jacqui,

"I'm ready to make a life commitment to my girlfriend but I'm afraid to find out if she really loves me. So I'm constantly in torment. Robert."

"I'm afraid to tell my partner that I have never been sexually satisfied. We love each other deeply. But many nights I fall asleep and cry. Jenny."

"My wife and I have become like strangers. I hardly feel married anymore. Divorce frightens me. I don't want it but it seems inevitable? Walter."

Fear feeds on fear. By keeping our fears inside they become more disturbing. The only way to stop the emotional torment is to confront our fears before they undermine our lives. The first step is to ask, "what is the worst that could happen by expressing the feelings that cause my fears?"

What could happen to Robert who fears to ask the woman he loves for a commitment? She may tell him that she's not ready for marriage or that she is unsure of her feelings and needs more time. Whatever her answer, to know the truth puts Robert in a position to take charge of his life again and make choices, going forward instead of being paralyzed by fear.

What about Jenny who's never been sexually gratified? Has she so little confidence in her husband's love and understanding? The very act of admitting her unhappiness opens the door for building trust and greater intimacy between them. Solving problems, including sexual problems, together often is an enriching experience for both partners. Keeping feelings of disappointment inside will eventually erode even the strongest love.

To Walter who is estranged from his wife. I would say divorce is inevitable unless both partners agree to confront their fears and start building a bridge to each other. Don't regurgitate the negatives that have accumulated. Don't look to winning arguments. Winning doesn't work in a healthy relationship. Constructing a new life together does. Co-create a list 'how to being loving to each other'. Read your program daily. Hug and kiss each morning and night. Feel your connection.

Fear is negative energy. The best antidote to free ourselves of negativity is being productive in our lives, being loving and supportive starting with the people closest to us. That's how we can turn negative fear into positive energy of love.

Jacqui

E-mail Jacqui your question: info@veryprivate.com or by regular mail to: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA  90049. Visit: www.veryprivate.com.  We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Radio show on our website every Wednesday.

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What's essential to make a relationship work?

Dear Jacqui,

My wife and I had a very active and wonderful intimate life before our marriage and for some time thereafter. Then came the kids. Then came the end of lovemaking. Hugging, kissing, it hardly ever happens. She simply lost interest. I don't want to see this marriage go down. I try my best. I share in all the chores. I want to make it work but I'm stomped. What's essential to make a relationship work? Please help.

Vic.

Dear Vic,

It's amazing how little time men and women put into their marriage. If we put as little consideration and focus into our jobs - we'd be fired. You seem to be the exception. So for you and everyone else who is in a relationship that's gone flat, here are my five essentials for making a relationship loving and enduring:

1) Couples don't just happen. They are made of two unique individuals who need to actively participate every day in growing closer together through knowledge, through communication, through reinforcing each other, through loving and trusting.

2) Each individual is unique. Each has experiences, beliefs, a specific sexual style, living habits and values that color that person's feelings about everything that happens. It is essential to be in touch with our own feelings, to know what's going on with ourselves so we have a basis to communicate openly and constructively with our partner who is our friend, not our opponent. It is equally important to consider the other's point of with an open mind and heart and find a constructive solution together. In a relationship, that's winning.

3) We have to have "me-time" and "couple time" and neglect neither. Daily, weekly, couple time is essential and will not happen unless we plan it. Sometimes we need to take a couple break, away from children, work, all the pressures that come between us to rekindle our alliance, to rediscover laughter, playful sexuality and the joy of being together.

4) Romantic love is not enough to sustain a committed relationship. We need to build deep trust, develop intimacy and learn to accept our partner who undoubtedly has weaknesses and strengths, just as we do. If we cannot respect and love the real person, not some fantasy lover she or he never was or will be, we don't have a chance for happiness together.

5) We need to develop and maintain an enjoyable, satisfying sexual relationship. Great intimacy is based on open communication, to really let each other know what makes you happy. Don't be shy about details. Tell your partner just how and where you want to be touched, stroked or kissed. Loving, frank discussions about intimacy never drive partners apart, silence does. Sexuality does not go stale by itself. Partners let it go flat and that has a dynamic negative effect on the relationship. On the other hand, if we stay interested, engaged and make time to learn about sex and pleasing each other, the bond of intimacy and love can grow forever.

Jacqui

Mail a question to Jacqui at: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Or e-mail: info@veryprivate.com Visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved. Tune into the Very Private Radio Show on our web site every Wednesdays at 4:15 PM, PST, 7:15 PM, EST.

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My boyfriend is 20 years older and "peters out" too fast!

Dear Jacqui,

Hello, I'm going out with a man that is 20 years older, I being 40. He has a lot of energy and stamina. I am a very passionate person and I love sex and we share a very health relationship in that regard.

I do find, however, that he "peters out" and I'm still in need. What do you suggest? He is very attentive to my needs before his needs are quickly fulfilled. I guess I need more. I love this man very much and want to explore how we can adapt or change this? Diana

 

Dear Diana,

What I suggest is an open and frank as well as loving discussion between the two of you. A great relationship is based on open and clear communication. Great sex depends on it. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you like.

Be specific, show him and learn, in this give and take process about his desires and preferences. I am sure when he knows what you like he will be thrilled to make you even happier in and out of bed.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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I Can't Keep Up and He Feels Cheated.Shouldn't a 64 Year Old Male Be Slowing Down?

Dear Jacqui,

I'm a 58-year-old woman and I do not think about sex that often. However, my 64-year-old husband likes it very much. Shouldn't a 64-year-old male be slowing down?

I can't keep up, and he feels cheated. The stresses of life have taken a toll. What is the matter with me? Too tired at night and too tired in the morning. Elizabeth C.

Dear Elizabeth,
The sadness in your letter touches me. The fact that you have written suggests that you have the courage to change. Bravo! Here goes. Start by writing down everything you like about yourself and your life. Is it your eyes, your sense of caring and loyalty, your husband's love and desire for you?

From now on revisit your "positive" list every morning and let go of two negatives each day. Good thoughts, like the sun, give your feelings a lift. Little by little you'll experience that your joy and love of life are not gone, simply buried under heaps of hurt and misunderstandings that you're letting go.

Next, invite your husband to share a journey with you. Your common goal is to build a more loving, more intimate marriage. Together make a list of suggestions on how to put more love in your relationship. They can be as simple as giving each other a hug each morning or holding hands before going to sleep.

Enact your ideas daily and talk about them. Avoid accusations! Use the "I" term when you speak, not the "you." Explain how you feel rather than blaming each other. Encourage each other to communicate more positively: "Could you say this in a kinder way" Could you change that habit just a little?

Keep the person you love separate from their words and actions. You don't want to cancel or diminish your love just improve communication. Keep reviewing your progress. Continue what works. Abandon what doesn't. Be frank, especially when discussing your sexual life. Tell each other what you like. Show how you like to be touched, kissed or stroked and what excites you.

There are no limits to loving and enjoying great sexuality at any age, frequency is not a benchmark. Most studies on sexuality report that partners in the fifties and sixties are happier, and more fulfilled sexually than younger couples.

Stay in touch with your good feelings. The sun is in your soul. We truly have the power to turn it on by loving, ourselves included.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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My wife's doctor never mentioned the risks in taking estrogen!

Dear Jacqui:

I recently read that a panel of scientists recommended to the government that estrogen in hormone replacement therapy and in oral contraceptives should be listed as "known" cause of cancer. My wife has been taking estrogen for over ten years? I am very worried that she put herself at great risk. Why didn´t her doctor ever mention the danger? What are the facts and what should she do?

Mike R.

Dear Mike:

You are correct. The quoted scientists indeed recommended that the cancer warning should be included in the "Tenth Report on Carcinogens" to be issued later this year. This is news. What we have known for several years, however, is the fact that estrogen increases the risk of breast cancer. Since l997 I have reported regularly on the results of ongoing studies. So what have we learned about the benefits and risks of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy)?

We know that Estrogen protects against Osteoporosis but so do several new drugs that are risk free. We know that HRT alleviates several symptoms of menopause such as night sweats, mood swings, sleeplessness, etc. But various reports suggest that herbal remedies such as Black Cohosh, Primrose, St.John´s Wart, and natural estrogens are effective for alleviating these same symptoms. The problem is which brand can you trust and how can you assess the risk of potential interference with other medications? Many physicians know little about herbal alternatives.

What about the common belief that HRT protects mature women´s heart, heart disease being the number one cause of death of American women? The assertions may be unfounded. Two major l998 studies concluded that women on HRT had just as many heart attacks as those not on the hormone treatment. Both these studies made a strong argument that women with heart disease should definitely choose proven heart protection therapies rather than rely on HRT.

The fact is, every single study done over the last ten years confirmed that HRT increases the risk of breast cancer by at least l0% to l5% for shorter-term use and over 30% for longer term use (6 to 8 years or more). The National Institute of Health also cites increased risk of uterine and endometrial cancer linked to estrogen.

To choose or forego HRT is a difficult decision that should be discussed between a woman and her doctor and then monitored carefully. It must include a thorough analysis of a woman´s health history and that of her family. It must give equal weight to a woman´s feelings and instincts as well as her doctor´s recommendation, especially if there are no clear-cut indications. In either case, I recommend yearly mammograms and pap smears and yearly reevaluation. Early detection is still the best protection.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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Sex After Fifty - The 5 Most Asked Questions:

 

l) Do women loose their sex drive around the age of fifty?

If a woman is in good health there is no reason why her sex drive has to suffer. While women's estrogen levels recede during menopause many women report that they have never enjoyed better sex than in their fifties. Most women at that age have learned to accept themselves and feel secure enough to express their needs. And, no more worries about pregnancy or the kids next door!

 

2) Can anything increase sexual desire?

Absolutely! Regular exercise clearly helps. It increases your blood circulation, your hormone levels, stimulates your sex drive and improves your sense of well being through the release of endorphins. Creating sexually enticing moments with your partner can make a big difference; talking about positive feelings you have for each other, seeing a sensuous movie together, planning an intimate weekend, touch, hug, hold hands. The best way to keep your sexuality alive is staying engaged in the process. The more you do it, the better it works.

 

3) Is vaginal dryness a sign of sexual impotence?

Not at all. Vaginal dryness happens to a woman naturally as she matures due to diminishing estrogen levels but it can also be caused by stress related or the use of medications to reduce blood pressure or anti-depressants. Lack of moisture during intimacy can be instantly eliminated by using an intimate moisturizer which feels far more natural than regular lubricants. Many couples report that the use of an intimate moisturizer has made their sexual encounters more fun and more pleasurable.

 

4) Can hormones or drugs increase sexual drive?

Often drugs like estrogen, testosterone or Viagra for men may increase sexual desire and function but they also present considerable health risks. Touted hormone creams made from "Mexican yam" do not work. And there is no hard data on Vitamins that increase libido. Often a poor sex drive in men or women can be attributed to a decrease of blood flow and blood supply to the sexual organs or hormone deficiencies.

 

5) What do I do when my partner has lost interest?

How is the communication between you? Close, trusting or uneasy? Usually sexual relations mirror the general state of the relationship. Ask what is happening in his/her life? Emotional or physical problems and medication to treat these problems can put a real damper on a couple´s sexual life. In most cases your physician or a counselor can help. But the first step is up to the two of you. An open caring discussion about the issue is the most dramatic ingredient to reestablish a joyful sexual relationship.

 

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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The Language of the Heart
(Dedicated to the support of our country)

Every week we discuss personal relationship problems and how to solve them in a productive way. But life is not as it used to be. The pain that was inflicted on this nation and thousands of fellow Americans is so deep and so numbing that many of us are just waking up to the grim reality of what happened and how we feel.

All of us have witnessed a many disturbing events in our lives. Our brains have stored a thousand frightening images; tragic fires that kill innocent people, but not fires of rage. Attacks on our citizens- but not attacks of beastly brutality—nothing we have ever seen, nothing we have ever witnessed has prepared us to cope with an act of terrorism of such savagery.

Consequently the images we watch on television or see in the papers seem almost unreal, unimaginable. Now, one week later as the emotional shock wears off we are left with our feelings of rage, of despair, of pain and eerie emptiness. How can we find solace? "What can we do", we ask ourselves?

We can do a lot:

As a nation we can strengthen our resolve, we can be invincible in our determination to ferret out and defeat the enemy and preserve our way of life and liberty.

As individuals we can do a lot:

• We can assure that the language of the heart prevails in our lives.
• We can donate our time and services as so many have already done.
• We can send money to help the distressed recapture the cherished normalcy of life.
• We can share our workspace with the ones who lost theirs.
• We can offer a home cooked meal to the family who greave for their dear ones.
• We can offer a hand to the ones that lost their jobs.
• We can reach out and communicate with friends and strangers.
• We can spread kindness by offering a good word, a smile, and a kind gesture.
• We can hug our partner more often; let them know that we love them.
• We can let go of ill feelings and negative behavior in our own relationships.
• We can embrace our children and make them feel loved and secure.
• We can be productive rather than critical.
• We can be caring and loving to ourselves.
• We can feel connected as friends, as family, as a nation.
• Not just now, but tomorrow and the day after and after and after.

We can assure that the language of the heart prevails in our lives

The language of the heart is a resource that will never run out.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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Vaginal Health is Imperative for a Happy Sexual Life.

During and past the menopause years it is especially important to maintain good vaginal health to assure a continued trouble free sex life. This is the time when women's estrogen levels diminish every year. Estrogen, the primary female hormone, largely controls the moisture in our bodies, especially moisture in the intimate area. Loss of estrogen causes the vaginal tissue to become dryer, thinner and less elastic. Moreover, the vaginal pH changes from acidic to alkaline, especially in post menopausal women. These changes in the vagina increase the risk of infection, inflammation and swelling, also discomfort during intercourse due to vaginal dryness.

Hormone replacement therapy - yes or no?

It is well established that hormone replacement can help keep vaginal tissue in good health. HRT also protects against osteoporosis and heart disease significantly. However, it also increases the risk of breast cancer, especially for women who have been on the standard estrogen/progestin therapy for many years. Based on results of the latest and largest US government sponsored study, it is now clear that this widely used combination hormone therapy substantially increases the risk of breast cancer, actually by 8% every year past the five year mark. If you have been on hormone therapy for a number of years, we suggest you discuss these findings with your doctor and keep up your yearly gynecological checkups.

What are symptoms of vaginal problems?

Symptoms resulting from inflammation or infection may include itching, swelling, redness of the vulva, unpleasant odor or excessive discharge (a small amount of clear, odorless discharge is normal, yet whitish, greenish or yellowish discharge warrants medical attention, especially if it is persistent). Discomfort or pain during intimacy can in most cases be eliminated instantly with a vaginal moisturizer but should be used daily if the tissue is very dry, just like a moisturizer for your face or body.

How to protect your vaginal health?

Regular intercourse helps maintain the vaginal tone. Many women are using a vaginal moisturizer to keep the tissue protected, especially it they engage in extended intimacy and wish to avid irritation or swelling. The body is programmed to produce only enough moisture for procreation, not extended recreational intimacy.

The don'ts:

Avoid irritants such as perfumed soaps or bath additives, powders or feminine sprays or douches. They can destroy the vaginal pH which is important to maintain vaginal health. For some women simple things like nylon panties rather than cotton may cause discomfort. Many women are allergic to certain spermicidal foams or creams so you might have to find a brand you can tolerate. Condoms without use of an intimate moisturizer/lubricant may cause microscopic tears in the delicate vaginal tissue. Antibiotics or diabetic medications often cause or aggravate vaginal dryness. Anti-depressants may result in loss of libido, but not every brand has the same effect. The good news, there is there is no reason that couples at any age cannot enjoy a rich sexual life. Improving intimacy can be learned. There are excellent books and tapes to help. We especially like Lou Paget's straightforward advice. Her books are available in stores or through the web. Vaginal health, however, is a must to enjoy great intimacy.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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Can my yeast infection affect my husband?

Dear Jacqui,

I have a yeast infection and have already used an over the counter the cream, it hasn't gone away. My anniversary is coming up and I would like to be with my husband. Is it ok or can it affect him, thank you.

Shannon

Dear Shannon,

Happy anniversary! Hopefully your yeast infection will be gone by then. Yes, it is possible that men get affected through intercourse though it is rare. I suggest the following. Before engaging in sexual activity cleanse the intimate area with Very Private Body Wash. This very mild unscented wash contains an ingredient to help protect you against vaginal irritations. It is not a medication, but many women with recurrent yeast infections have told us that they never had another problem after they began using the Body Wash. You can find it on www.veryprivate.com under products. I also suggest that both of you use the body wash after intimacy.

In general, I suggest you avoid using any product containing fragrance, chemical colors, flavor or plant additives in the vaginal area. These kinds of ingredients often destroy your own natural healthy pH, which protects you against vaginal problems. Also, avoid sitting in scented bubble bath and avoid douching or vaginal sprays and deodorants. Use a pH balanced soap or the Body Wash I mentioned.

Always void after intercourse. And, it's a good idea to drink a glass of unsweetened cranberry juice daily to help you keep the urinary tract in good health.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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The space in bed between us grew larger and larger

Dear Jacqui:

My second husband and I have been married nine years. I have been loosing interest in sex some time ago, partly because I've been experiencing increasing discomfort during intercourse. I kept inventing excuses to avoid intimacy and then felt guilty. To bury my anxiety. I found solace in snacking became more and more distanced from my husband. The empty space in bed between us grew larger and larger. We even began to avoid going to bed at the same time. I have recently discovered that he sees another woman and I am panicked. I still love him but there is so much between us. I just feel paralyzed with fear.

Nancy F.

Dear Nancy:

You have taken the first step, looking at yourself, and I congratulate you for facing up to the issue. Yes, there is a lot between you, positive and negative. If it were all negative and you wanted out of the marriage, you probably would welcome "the other woman" as an excuse to make the final break. It is clear that you are still vested in this marriage and possibly your husband too is willing to put his energies into "mending rather than breaking". It is possible to recapture feelings of love. Not easy, but possible, and it requires that both of you commit to a serious effort. Right now you are hardly talking. You have started by looking at your true feelings.

Now both of you have to find the courage to reach out and open a new discourse, be willing to bare your feelings to each other in an open and frank way that might have been lacking in your marriage from the beginning. Maybe the guidance of a marriage counselor could make it easier to start the process. Your sexual withdrawal is clearly intertwined with your emotional distancing but it also has a physical aspect. Women in or past menopause have low estrogen levels and therefore not sufficient moisture in the intimate area which makes sexual activity very uncomfortable. This problem, however, is easily solved by using an intimate moisturizer. As you resolve your emotional issues, your desire will naturally come back, maybe stronger than ever.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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What can help a woman in her 50's to establish a new sexual relationship, thanks.

Dear Jacqui,

What can help a woman in her 50's to establish a new sexual relationship.

Martha

Dear Martha,

A woman in her fifties can be as desirable as a woman in her twenties. AGE is not the issue. Your own persona is. How you feel about yourself is. How confident you are. The energy you project, your radiance that gives you a special aura. Examine these feelings first. These are the feelings you communicate. If they are not positive -- you probably won't attract a lot of admirers. So then you have to work on your inner self first. Your question to me suggests that maybe there is some shyness or hesitation. Think positive. Make your life positive. Focus on all the wonderful things you are. Write them down. Read them every morning.

And, if there is some correcting to, this is a wonderful time to turn every day into a positive adventure. You are the star of your own life. If it's good and desirable you'll have lots of people wanting in. New friendships grow. As you get to know somebody new and become closer it should naturally lead to intimacy.

Expand your circle of friends. Let them know you want to "meet" somebody. Ask for their help. Join a new group. Take up a hobby you've been thinking about. Change your cultural menu, maybe a museum visit instead of a movie, or a concert. The energy you create will be contagious.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. All correspondence is kept strictly confidential. © Brandwynne Corporation 2001, All Rights Reserved

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I've been seeing a guy on & off for 12 years, but now a new guy is interested, should I go out with him?

Dear Jacqui,

Here's my dilemma...I've been dating this man off and on for about twelve years now we really Love each other. The problem is there is a Guy who's interested in me and I'm seriously thinking about going on a date with him. Please give me some feedback. Thanks.

Hillary C.

Dear Hillary,

Going out with a new guy is no crime, the real issue is, why do it if you REALLY LOVE YOUR PARTNER, AS YOU SAY. You've been in your current relationship for 12 years. Are you happy in the relationship? Why would you want to see someone else, just for the thrill of it or because you have certain doubts about your current liaison? Be in touch with your feelings, find some quiet time, ask yourself the hard question and become clear with yourself. Your inner feelings will never betray you. They will tell you what's going on. Then act.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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I feel if I stay in my marriage I may end up hating myself for life.

Dear Jacqui:

I am married but not happily and I have met someone else who is perfect, as perfect as perfect can be. He's sweet, sincere, honest, loving, everything my husband is not.

I haven't been with him in a sexual manner but my heart is very confused. I feel if I stay in my marriage, I may end up hating myself for life. What do you suggest?

Candice

Dear Candice:

I am happy for you that you met a man you feel so good about. Sometimes in life we need to make changes. Having made a bad choice should not mean that we have to live with it forever. The question you should ask yourself is how sure you are about this new man? How long do you know him?

Do you believe, deep in your heart, that you could have a happy life with him or are their any feelings of doubt? If you are not completely sure, maybe time will tell. If you are sure, you might want to enter a period of separation. Have you ever told your husband how deeply unhappy you are and have been. Maybe he would be relieved. Maybe he too would like a different life.

Maybe he would be different if you could voice your needs and discuss your feelings. Sometimes partners have no idea how the other really feels. If you choose to have a frank conversation with your husband, do not, at least at this time, discuss the other man. Your problem is not the other man. Your problem is your current marriage.

And that has to be solved first so that you have clarity about your feelings and what to do next. Would you still want to leave your husband if "the other man" didn't exist? I suggest that you discuss the situation with a very good friend you can trust or a marriage counselor. We have a resource list for psychological or physiological help resources on our web site.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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Vaginal Dryness & Relationship Problems

Often men believe that when a woman is not aroused she no longer is interested in him or doesn't love him anymore. Also, many women who lack moisture before intimacy believe that there is something wrong with them.

In most cases both partners have made the wrong conclusion. Non-response in a woman is most often caused by a lack of available vaginal moisture due to low estrogen levels. Estrogen, the primary female hormone which is created by the ovaries varies throughout the life of a woman. Estrogen levels are extremely low right after the birth of a child, they gradually diminish as the women enters menopause until the ovaries stop producing estrogen when she is finished with menopause.

But there are other reasons for dryness: above all stress. Statistics tell us that 95% of all sexually active women have occasional symptoms of vaginal dryness due to stress. For more information on vaginal dryness, please read our wonderful articles featured in our Vaginal Health section.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. All correspondence is kept strictly confidential. © Brandwynne Corporation 2001, All Rights Reserved

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He admitted he still loved his ex but wasn't "in love" with her anymore.

Dear Jacqui:

I've been seeing a new man for a few months. He had known his wife for eleven years and divorced one year ago. We like each other very much from the beginning. As we became closer he kept assuring me that he wanted a committed, monogamous relationship. During our last date he asked me if I had ever loved someone so much that I didn't want to be with anybody else? Then he admitted that he still loved his ex but wasn't "in love" with her anymore. What's the difference? Ever since that night he's been pulling away from me. I am hurt and confused. I'm 67, and I don't have time for games. Do I have a chance to having a solid, complete relationship with this man?

Frances

Dear Frances:

Your new man can't have his cake and eat it too. It is quite clear that he is still emotionally bound to his ex-wife even though legally free. Before he is able to engage in a full and committed relationship he needs to address these issues. I suggest that either he or the two of you seek help from a professional therapist or marriage counselor to clarify the problem. If he's not willing to face the music you'll know pretty quickly that he is just dancing around the issues. You need to be clear with your message. Tell him in a loving way that you are seeking a partner for life not just for a round on the dance floor.

As to your second question; yes, there is a difference between being in love and loving. At the start of a relationship people fall in love if the initial attraction is strongly positive. When magic happens both partners feel enveloped in this wonderful rush of feelings that "being in love" is. Such an emotional high is hard to sustain. If the relationship has validity it turns into a deeper sense of love over time, a love that can endure and grow but only if both partners are ready and free to be devoted to each other.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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The problem in my relationship is lack of intimacy

Dear Jacqui:

The problem in my relationship is lack of intimacy. I know we need communication and I am often pouring my heart out to my partner and he never has anything to say and I become very upset and angry. How can I get him to open up to me more because simple discussion does not work. Are their certain techniques or games to help us move forward and improve our communication?

Monique

Dear Monique:

Lack of intimacy is probably the number one problem women complain about. I can well understand your issues and have listened and appreciate the male side too. What women have to learn about men is that, in general, it is very difficult for them to achieve emotional intimacy or to share their inner self. Ever since they were little boys they have been conditioned to be strong, self sufficient, go out and be competitive, and fight their own battles. They have been told over and over again not to cry, not to show their emotions, So what they've learned is to hide their feelings. These are the behavioral patterns they know and feel comfortable with.

Women, on the other hand, have been trained in developing intimate relationships from the time they were little girls. They constantly interact with their Moms, and later with their girl friends. They share all the details of their intimate feelings constantly. "Just talking" about anything and everything that's on their mind or soul is a mechanism that makes them feel good and gives them a sense that the person they are sharing their innermost thoughts with is special in their lives. They feel close to that person and trusting. Later in life, when a woman becomes involved with a man she actually expects the same response she used to get from her intimate friends and family members. The intimacy she seeks is the intimacy she has known. That's usually when the problem starts.

Men and women have to learn to communicate in a language they can both understand even though they come from different places. You should approach your partner with this new understanding. Invite him to participate in a learning experience to bring both of you closer. You might be more successful in reaching him rather than becoming upset and angry. Don't expect radical changes but little by little emotional patterns can be adjusted to make a happier more fulfilling relationship

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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My husband is on Viagra...and sex becomes uncomfortable

Dear Jacqui:

My husband has been on Viagra for several months. Before that our sex life was practically non-existent for quite some time. Now it's quite lively and I'm happy about that. The problem is that when he is ready, he gets going quickly and enjoys having sex for a long duration. I can't just switch it on like that and sex becomes uncomfortable and afterwards my intimate area is really swollen and irritated. Please help.

Janey F.

Dear Janey:

The first step to solving your problem is communication. Great intimacy cannot happen unless partners feel close, trusting and are able to tell each other just what they feel, what makes them happy in bed or out. Share with your partner that you enjoy the new excitement in your relationship but that you would welcome more foreplay. You may also try to use a few drops of an intimate moisturizer before or during intimacy to keep the delicate tissue protected so you can enjoy the experience without worries.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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A spreading waistline...I worry

Dear Maryann:

There are several medical studies that suggest that if a woman's waistline approaches the circumference of her hips, it signifies an increased risk of diabetes and/or coronary heart disease. Additionally, having a large waistline independent of hip size is a risk in and of itself. According to the Nurses' Health Study which began in l976 and involved over one hundred and twenty thousand nurses between the ages of 30 and 55 these are the findings:

A waist of 30 inches and more or a waist/hip ratio over 0.76 doubled the risk of coronary heart disease. A waist measuring 38 inches and/or a ratio of 0.88 increased the risk threefold.

If your waistline has been expanding consider embarking on a high veggie, low carbs, low protein program, especially proteins containing animal fats. Combined with regular exercises, you will enjoy seeing and feeling your waistline shrink. There are probably quite a few candidates among your friends who want to join your "inches off" club if you make it into a positive and fun experience. Positive reinforcement is half the battle.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2000 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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Black tie function...which guy to take?

Dear Jacqui:

I have an exciting black tie function to attend for my company and some of our top management will be there. In the past I have always asked the same reliable " just friend" to be my escort for business related social events. However, three weeks ago I met a new man. He's very attractive but...I don't know him, and he seems to like keeping me guessing. After we went out the first time he didn't say a word if there would be a second date. I was a little surprised that he called again. I'm attracted to him and would like to spend this special evening with him. On the other hand, if he turns out to be just a passing fancy, I would prefer not to introduce him to the head of the company. If I only knew...Karin B.

Dear Karin:

I think you do know. Listen to your inner voice. Something tells you to go easy otherwise you'd feel more sure about your decision. It seems that Mr."X" is taking his time and probably contemplating if and when to take the next step. That's a guy thing. Furthermore, during the "let's get to know each other better" phase the process of discovery is easier without onlookers, especially your business associates and superiors. If he turns out to be the right one you'll have lots of time having your friends and associates get to know him. And remember, men like to hunt!

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2001 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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Sex After Fifty - The 5 Most Asked Questions:

l) Do women loose their sex drive around the age of fifty?

If a woman is in good health there is no reason why her sex drive has to suffer. While women's estrogen levels recede during menopause many women report that they have never enjoyed better sex than in their fifties. Most women at that age have learned to accept themselves and feel secure enough to express their needs. And, no more worries about pregnancy or the kids next door!

2) Can anything increase sexual desire?

Absolutely! Regular exercise clearly helps. It increases your blood circulation, your hormone levels, stimulates your sex drive and improves your sense of well being through the release of endorphins. Creating sexually enticing moments with your partner can make a big difference; talking about positive feelings you have for each other, seeing a sensuous movie together, planning an intimate weekend, Touch, hug, hold hands. The best way to keep your sexuality alive is staying engaged in the process. The more you do it, the better it works.

3) Is vaginal dryness a sign of sexual impotence?

Not at all. Vaginal dryness happens to a woman naturally as she matures due to diminishing estrogen levels but it can also be caused by stress related or the use of medications to reduce blood pressure or anti-depressants. Lack of moisture during intimacy can be instantly eliminated by using an intimate moisturizer which feels far more natural than regular lubricants. Many couples report that the use of an intimate moisturizer has made their sexual encounters more fun and more pleasurable.

4) Can hormones or drugs increase sexual drive?

Often drugs like estrogen, testosterone or Viagra for men may increase sexual desire and function but they also present considerable health risks. Touted hormone creams made from "Mexican yam" do not work. And there is no hard data on Vitamins that increase libido. Often a poor sex drive in men or women can be attributed to a decrease of blood flow and blood supply to the sexual organs or hormone deficiencies.

5) What do I do when my partner has lost interest?

How is the communication between you? Close, trusting or uneasy? Usually sexual relations mirror the general state of the relationship. Ask what is happening in his/her life? Emotional or physical problems and medication to treat these problems can put a real damper on a couple's sexual life. In most cases your physician or a counselor can help. But the first step is up to the two of you. An open, caring discussion about the issue is the most dramatic ingredient to reestablish a joyful sexual relationship.

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2000 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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Even while we're making love, I feel like I'm not really participating

Dear Jacqui:

We celebrated our first anniversary last week. Before we married we lived together two years because, having both been divorced, we wanted to really get to know each other well before jumping in. One of the things that made our relationship so exciting was our incredible sexual attraction and enjoyment. We are both highly sexual animals. But...I don't know what's happened. In the last few months I've simply lost it. I have trouble getting aroused and often I am bone dry which is obvious to my husband. I'd give anything to feel like I did before. Instead, I have become anxious about not being able to respond properly. Even while we're making love I feel like I'm not really participating. Please help.

Julia

Dear Julia:

For most couples, sexuality, when it's new, is the most exciting time of intimacy. Hardly anyone can maintain this rush of excitement. As this sexual euphoria begins to fade a little, a new feeling may begin to grow. Both partners may discover greater sexual intimacy, being more comfortable and freer with each and knowing how to better please each other.

If you still love your man, then maybe there is something wrong with your expectation. Maybe you could lessen the pressure if you could accept that nothing is static in a relationship, including sexuality. Instead of worrying about what has gone wrong, concentrate on what's wonderful between you. Stay present during love making. Feel his touch, his kisses, the sexual gifts he offers you. Relax into it. Breathe deeply, feel the sensation of lovemaking, in your mind, on your skin, in your vaginal area. Feel what's happening moment by moment and become an active participant again rather than a passive observer. Embrace enjoyment and pleasure rather than measuring it against sexual memories of the past.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2000 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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This New Year give yourself less stress more joy in your life!

Learning to control stress is based on a determined ongoing pursuit that leads to better health and a more contented life. There are a number of studies that demonstrate that stress reduction reduces the risk of heart attack by a significant number and is a big factor in either causing illness or keeping illness away.

So what can we do about it? First of all we must recognize that stress affects every human being differently so there is no universal formula for everybody. But each of us can learn to deal with stress in a more positive way. There are a number of recognized methods that will help you specifically in reducing stress in your life.

Learn to discern that there is different kind of stress. Some stress situations are in your control and you can do something about them, some are not. The key to coping with the second kind is learning to accept the things we can't change.

If your serious about reducing stress in your life, make a stress list. Put down all the activities and reasons that cause you stress, anxiety, anger in order of importance, most stress  least stress. If you are in a long-term relationship or marriage, you might decide to do the project together and reinforce each other. You start by reflecting which of your stress situations could you eliminate in your life? Really make an effort to let go of them.

Now decide which stress causer you can neutralize, i.e. you can you change the stress situation or your attitude so they become manageable. Finally see if some of these chores or situations or people problems can be turned around so they become pleasurable. To identify and work with your "stress file" becomes your first plan of action. Then let your partner help you or help yourself in making a mental mark for "your bad stress situations" so you recognize them the moment they begin to manifest themselves. In other words, become conscious to words or situations that cause you stress.

Add three positive things each day, banish three negatives. 

Research proves that being good to yourself, giving yourself the permission to enjoy, putting some humor in your day, experiencing the joy of small pleasures each day goes a long way of offsetting stress.

So why not plan a mini vacation over a long weekend, find time for a massage, mark one evening every week for a special dinner with your partner or your friends with pretty table setting, maybe a few flowers, candlelight, a bottle of wine simply because you deserve it. Sign up for a course in a subject you always wanted to know about.

To redress negativity, identify three things to which you regularly have a negative reaction. Work hard on changing your attitude by being in touch with your feelings. Find the right time and forum to express them without anger, even if you have to write them down in your diary, you will feel a lightening of your burden. Your feelings are always real. It is really important to acknowledge them, to share them. If you do not have a partner presently, build your own support group among your friends.

Explore some of the known relaxation techniques: Exercise, yoga, meditation, bio-feedback, different massage therapies, listening to music, engaging in your preferred sport more often, working with your hands, taking time for lovemaking, learning a craft, painting, or improving any activity that you love. Give yourself the gift of time to enjoy.

If you feel "stressed", angry or depressed a great deal of the time, recognize your vulnerability and give yourself the permission to seek professional help. This is an admission of courage and strength, not of weakness. Always remember, you have a great deal of control to affect the fabric of your life in a positive way. Happy New Year.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2000 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

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My girl friend has a fear of intimacy

Dear Jacqui:

We have been seeing each other for eight months and I am in love with Cynthia. She is attractive, has no kids and holds an executive position. She has not had any enduring relationships since her divorce seventeen years ago. I divorced two years ago and am ready to be committed. Cynthia is fifty-five, I am sixty-six though I look younger because I'm trim, have a full head of hair and plenty of energy. When we're together we have a great time but...if I don't call her, I don't hear from her. When I ask her for a date for an evening out or the weekend, she never commits till the last moment, so I'm always on tenterhooks.

When we are together she is warm and loving and intimacy is great as long as she gives me the signal. However, if I wish to cuddle or approach her sexually she's unresponsive or worse, gets angry and stays in a bad mood for the rest of the weekend. The next time I see her she tells me that I'm the most caring, most loving man she's ever known. But when I start a heart to heart conversation about our future together she turns me off.

I'm frustrated and confused.

Ron R.

Dear Ron:

I believe that Cynthia has a serious "intimacy" problem. She hasn't been able to commit to anybody in seventeen years, so her pattern of "going forward  pulling back" will probably not change no matter how caring or loving you are. In fact, your advances scare her, make her feel cornered which is why she becomes angry. Understand that her behavior has nothing to do with you. It is her inability to cope with being intimate that is the cause of your problems.

You have three choices: Continue what you are doing and accept the relationship for what it is, if you can. Change your behavior, stop calling, stop being so available and see what happens. The best choice, however, is for both of you to see a couples therapist. If she's not willing to try, you know what the third choice is.

Jacqui

For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2000 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.