| Award Name: |
April Fool's Grant in General Biomedical Research: Request for Applications: (B.S.-M.B.S.-Ph.D.) |
|---|---|
| Organization: | Brooklyn Bridge Foundation (BBF) |
| Contact: | J. Haman Pierce Boondoggle XIV; Brooklyn Bridge Foundation; 666 Pie in the Sky Road, 13th Floor; Washington, DC 20006-1492 Tel: (202) 666-1818 Fax: (202) 613-0202 E-mail: peter.piper@hamlin.mars.com Web: http://www.genie.mars.com/fantasy.html |
| Application Deadline: | 01 APR 1998; 31 OCT 1998. |
| Source: | University of Washington Funding Bulletin (a real newsletter with about 100 grant announcements each issue), Research Funding Service, A Joint Project of the School of Medicine and the Health Sciences Library, University of Washington, Seattle, WA 98195. Volume 9, #9, April 1, 1997 |
| Total Funds: | More than $666 million will be available for FY 1998. This is more than double that for FY 1997 (compare that to the NIH budget increase). |
Maximum | $666,666.02. Make sure you get your two cents worth.
| |
| Eligibility: | Only persons who have been turned down for at least one federal grant or contract are eligible to apply. Graduate students are eligible and do not need a faculty sponsor (we trust you). Contrary to popular belief, the foundation will not collect .45 kilos (we are, after all, supposed to be a metric country) of an applicant's flesh, their soul, or their chosen, known, or unknown biological first-born this year due to excess funds from last year and the foundation's desire to maintain their 501(c)(3) status. |
| Restrictions: | None. The foundation does not have a particular disease axe to grind or ideology to support. Grants may be used for any form of general biomedical research (including the unrestricted use of Thumpers, Bens, and other animals), speculative grants for equipment or instrumentation (more fun than playing the market, eh?), unrestricted foreign study or domestic travel (including first class airfare), and general graduate support. Recipients who overspend are urged to submit a revised budget, which will still be paid. Recipients who underspend get to keep the saved money, free and clear and tax-free. Unlike the federal and state governments, we reward thriftiness. There are no restrictions on research or any censorship. The foundation does not care what you experiment on as long as it does not get loose. This includes genetically engineered specimens of proxmiritis policitis homo sapiens, a new breed of rat. Direct or indirect costs can be any percentage (but not less than actual cost) and for any amount. |
| Proposal Format: | Applicants should write their research proposal in 25 words or less in plain English or any other language of their choice on the back of a business card and the amount requested, up to $666,666.02. Postcards are also acceptable. |
| Selection Process: | Upon receipt, all cards will be placed in a large fishbowl. At 12:01 a.m. on the day following the application deadline date, cards will be randomly drawn by members of the drawing committee (which by the way, is perfectly balanced in its makeup of Microserf employees, former politicians, ex-cons, bureaucrats, weight watchers, gamblers, aliens, women, minorities (including dead white males), and the physically or mentally challenged) until funds are exhausted. |
| Notification: | Applicants will then be either sent a check the day of the drawing with instructions on how to dance the hora and flowers. This will reduce the waiting time, anxiety, and psychiatrist bills for applicants and members of NIH Study Sections and save 14.85 trees per applicant (based on the average NIH submission of 6 copies and 10 drops of wine spilled for each formal research proposal). |
| Start-Up Date: | Immediately. No waiting eighteen months for someone to make up their mind or for Congress to finally getting around to finally appropriate the funds with or without new plagues of more restrictions. |
| Follow-Up: | There is no follow-up paperwork or other kilos of forms to spend productive sunny summer days completing in obtuse English, like this sentence. Furthermore, there are no 6 centimeter thick forms from 14 federal agencies, 5 state agencies, 8 committees from your university or college, or the RWJ Foundation to fill out. Consequently, PAWS (the overProtective Animal Welfare Society) will never know what you are working on so they can stage a media protest outside your door. Therefore, applicants will have no excuse to be unproductive. |
| Clinicals Trials: | Unlike NIH and ADAMHA, applicants are not required to certify that for studies involving former politicians, ex-cons, bureaucrats, alcoholics, gamblers, weight watchers, and aliens, that the same groups of people will be adequately represented in these studies of diseases, disorders, and conditions which disproportionately affect them. |
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